Publishings from the Unpublished

As time goes on and erodes the faculties of my mind, I begin to lose track of these archives of posts...With so much philosophy and flashback and fiction and straight up randumb stupidity, I often have to check myself--"Have I written on this subject before?" For instance, my bucket list. Does anyone know what is on my bucket list? I mean, there's the obvious "Get married in the temple and have twelve kids and get translated" shpeel, but I'm talking about the more secular bucket list. For me, there has only been two things:

1. Sing with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir... sort of like a Rudy/Jimmy Stewart sort of dream
2. Get struck by lightning. (I even have a plan for this one, it's phenomenal!)

And not necessarily in that order.
So these were the only two items until about two weeks ago when I was watching a life-changing program called Man v. Food (which I am certain I have mentioned before) where Adam Richman went to Des Moines, Iowa and ate a challenge that featured, among other things, a block of DEEP FRIED CHEDDAR CHEESE! Hello bucket list items numbers three through seventeen!!! Deep fried cheddar cheese... about eight square inches of it or so! Why did it take America so long to think that up, and in Des Moines of all places! What a trip.
And for all those gung ho readers who are still with me on this post, here's the update-ive portion that this blog was originally intended for: Since being back in Texas, I really haven't done much. I mean, I got a job and graduated and stuff, but that's marginal to the real juicy stuff, right? You're all wondering what only my bold nephews can ask out loud after the first trip to the singles ward back in Texas: "Did you meet a girl?" Why yes, Ultra Tiger, I met lots of girls that day. And six months later, I've met even more. Go figure...
I will divulge so much: Chick Flicks don't make me as bitter as they used to. Take what you will from that, it's probably not what you're thinking.
Oh yeah, and there is one more thing. I guess I have to fess up to this sometime...

I am obsessed with Naruto.

In case any of you don't know, Naruto is an anime. As one who used to ridicule Japanamation for its uber-exaggerated emotions and its crap-running-down-a-tree pace, I am ashamed to publicly admit that I have gone Otaku! And I don't even know what that means... So much for Regular Greg and stuff.

What Dreams May Go

The dreams of losing teeth continue to happen like some recurring nightmare. Every time it is the same... one or two of my teeth is loose and I will hypnotically mess with it either with my tongue or fingers until it comes out. The sudden vacancy then causes emotions of extreme depression slash anger at my dentists who didn't get it right AGAIN! What a relief it is to wake up in the morning with yet a full smile.
Then there are the mission dreams wherein I am usually quite conscious of having already served a mission in Sacramento. I always know that this is the second mission that I'm on, but only recently has the thought begun to creep into my subconscious: "Why am I getting called on another mission? Shouldn't I be focusing on a wife?!"

Those are the usuals. Interpret them as you may. However, just recently I remember having a pretty cool superpower that when I had just one contact in, I could look at people and see them as a much younger version of themselves... sorta like a lens that receives light from 10-15 years ago, a reverse Hubble telescope if you will. During the dream, as I was looking at a 22 year old version of my oldest brother wearing his coke-bottle glasses, I kept thinking of how I finally had something to blog about and stuff...

My Posts are Getting Real Short

So I was having a birthday the other day and it was pouring rain in Houston. I had been lost for about an hour or so and the kids in the car were starting to complain. Finally, we arrived at the place and they wouldn't let me be "Snaggletooth Patchbeard the Angry," so "Patchbeard" had to suffice. And even though my laser didn't work in round one, I went to town in round 2 shooting all those complaining kids with lasers! Peeyuw Peeyuw, KABLOOOM!!! Best... Birthday... Ever!! (No children were harmed in the writing of this post)

Witty Retorts

I don't know if anyone even uses this phrase anymore, but if anyone ever tells you,
"Why don't you say that to my face," you should say:

"Turn around and bend over and I will!"

Get it? Cuz they're a buttface?...

Late Night Sports Corner

It's midnight on the day, technically after, that wretched singles awareness shpeel. Some people went on dates and stuff--good for them. I took a huge nap after visiting the temple this morning so I'm finding it a bit difficult to shut down for the night, so I thought I'd call on Mr. Sandman via another boring and horribly misinformed post about sports.
And what's going on in sports that's marginally interesting? Linsanity. That's about it.
So sure, I'll toss in my one cent about the whole shibang that has taken ESPN absolutely by storm, but only because he made a game-winning three tonight (last night?) that dropped a proverbial vat of jet fuel onto the proverbial fire that this kid has lit under the nation. I mean, six game winning streak with superstar-esque numbers, and some of us still think it's a flash-in-the-pan burst benefiting from the brief absence of established talent in Carmello and Amare? Are we all believers now, America?
I don't think Mr. Lin is going away anytime soon. Let me tell you why:
When I read the news about his game-winner tonight (last night), I felt like David... "Is this real life?" I mean, can the stars really align so magnificently for some nobody out of nowhere? The odds are way too off for this whole thing... It only confirms my deepest suspicions.

The NBA is rigged!*

These aren't basketball players... they're actors! This is no different from WWF or whatever they call professional smack talk nowadays. David Stern starts to panic from a lack of interest in a season that everybody feels wasn't supposed to happen. Combine the short and sudden schedule with the increasing taint of player selfishness and top-heavy star power in bigger markets (does Charlotte even still have a basketball team?) and Stern makes a call to all the owners, GM's, coaches, and relevant players: code Papale. Everybody make way for the spark that will ignite the fandom of the nation from their pre-NFL draft stupor! 

I'm on to you, Mr. Stern. For all my readers who actually read when I put the word "Sports" in the title, just remember you heard it first here. And I heard it first from Dave McKean. 

*Disclaimer: I don't truly believe the NBA is rigged... The Pistons and Spurs dominated too much of last decade to ever validate that conspiracy theory.

Just Thinking to Myself

There are so many deep questions I want to ask the universe...

What are possums for?

Why is my cat snoring?

How am I going to get two more pages out of this thesis?

and most of all...

Why does a guy with pastey white arms and no muscles and orange hair growing off his shoulders wear a sleeveless shirt to a church activity?

Book of the Man of Little Consequence

Chapter 11
1. And the man of little consequence was hard pressed to yet make an account of his life of little consequence.
2. But he forebore it, and knew that it was folly to forebore anything, for such was not a word. And he knew not the past tense of the word 'forebear'.
3. And the word was sufficient for bearing only the suffix, 'bore' for naught else would describe his life accurately.
4. For the days and the nights passed on, and he yet looked to the heavens and beheld not the stars.

5. And he spake unto himself in the mirror saying, "The future eludes me, my life becometh a cliche. How soon will the man I almost am hide among the stuff?"
6. And the new year broke, and the man still gave no account of the happenings up to this point. And the audience was vexed by his silence.
7. But seeking to give a pleasure unto the people, he began another chapter of silly mock scripture, but his inspiration waxed dry and he spent the holidays in riotous living.
8. And after the holidays he traveled eastward and spent his days in more riotous living, even learning all the names of the My Little Pony's. And he chastened himself for admitting such publicly.
9. For this the time spent from the last thought of little consequence was for naught, and he documented it not.
10. It is not to say that his heart was depressed within him, for he, being restless, did strive daily to be more of a tool, yea, even a tool in the Lord's hands.

11. And the man of little consequence was a tool.
12. And he began to document his time of naught as if it would be of some interest to his sparse readership.
13. And the names of the ponies were thus: Twilight Sprinkle, Apple Jack, Rarity, and Princess Celestia. And he forfeit his man card, and would thus be known throughout the land as the slightly mannish thing of little consequence, for he yet lived by the saying that all things are made better when deep-fried or combined with bacon.
14. For what man among you would take any morsel, even ice cream, and not think to himself first off of how the morsel would be made better with batter and bacon? I say unto you such a man does not exist. For this purpose, the slightly mannish thing was still slightly mannish.

15. And he gave his account, and the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon their fruit bats, and their sloths, and their breakfast cereals, and their anchovies, and their... wait a minute, I think I've done this before...
16. The account was thus given, and the new year was broken.
17. His life was a cliche and the future eluded him. The man who he almost was yet hid in the stuff. And he wrote in a chiasmus form and his English joy was full.

18. And he looked once more to the heavens; behold, a single star shone amidst the cloud.

*Note: Let the true date of this publication be known as January 18, 2012. It was only begun on Dec. 11.