No School in the Summertime

Wow, has it really been over a month since I last posted? Sorry folks, I know you're sitting on the edge of your seats, but let me explain...
My life just got really boring.
I mean, I could sit here and write about the trippy dreams I have, or about hunting pastors on the internet, or about singing and dancing on the little big stage, or about receiving my diploma in the mail, or about getting drafted to the Phoenix Suns, or about my upcoming trip to North Carolina, or about the fixed NBA... but we've all been there before, right? How about something new--something fresh?
Food!
I made the best freaking burrito things the other day and stuff! Chicken and mozerella with sour cream, grilled onions, tomatoes, and red peppers all on a grilled tortilla. It felt like I was almost eating something healthy! Then again, it was after fasting for 22+ hours, so a shoe might've tasted good at that point.
Ok, it's time to go make up some more nerdy games to play with my nephews.

Announcing the 4,996th View of my Blog!!

I know I just posted yesterday, and it's wierd for me to post two days in a row... and I know I should be working right now and stuff...
But I'm at the 4,996th view of my blog!... since I got that view counter deal! I need to celebrate with some ice cream!
But wait... isn't 5,000 the quintessential milestone that everyone celebrates? Why not wait for 4 more views?
I tried... I even tried refreshing the page but it wouldn't count it... so I said what-the-hey, I'm hungry for dairy over-dose. Let's go celebrate something.
Even at this very moment, you, Mr(s). Reader can find something to celebrate! So go get some Baskin Robbins or indulge in hedonistic activity! You deserve it.

Pretend We're Having a Dinner Table Conversation...

You know what was a good movie? "We Bought a Zoo." Sometime in that movie, Matt Damon said something like, "20 seconds of insane courage is all it takes..." or "20 seconds of stupid courage..." You get the idea. Or maybe I got the idea. Or at least an idea...

You know what was another good movie? "The Avengers." I'm not much of a Marvel guy myself, but man, that movie was soooo good, I just might name my firstborn--"The Avengers." Apologies to anyone that I've already told that joke to.

You know what's a terrible feeling? A burnt tongue.

You know what else is a terrible feeling? When simple things become reeeaaalll complicated. Like missing your exit on the highway, or getting directions from old people. Or like those times when you drive or walk for 20 minutes only to not have the number two pencil you need to take the scantron test final. Or like those times when one day of not shaving means no intramural game. Or like when you're walking to your car and you drop your keys and they go down a drainage grate. Or walking in to a bank with only a check to deposit and walking out with a savings account you never wanted. Or like when presidents who are awfully similar in their policies divide a nation into two polarized forces. Or like when you call a girl to ask her out and you get her answering machine. Or like when you get a ticket for going 29 in a 20. Or like those times when you're baking bread and you waited the mandatory two hours for it to bake only to realize the oven was never turned on. Or like those times when you fail a paper for using the wrong font or margin. Or like how a microscopic scratch on a CD ruins it for life. Or like those times when you get a surprise attack in public... and I'm not talking about from ninjas. Or like when you run out of milk on Sunday. Or like casually riding a bike downhill and then, all of a sudden, your face is ruined. Or like when Super Smash Brothers Brawl becomes real life brawl. Or like when you drive a mile down the road and realize your GPS is gone, so you have to run the mile back to where you were parked cause it's a one-way street in a crowded city. Or like losing your GPS 2 hours into an 18 hour trip because it won't get along with the car charger. Or like errors in a slow-pitch softball league. Or like being a happy, complacent bachelor and then going to general conference.

But you know what? For all those frustrating things in life that you were thinking, "Oh man, I've been there..." 20 seconds of insanely stupid courage can make up for it. Just remember that and stuff.

Continue eating dinner kids.

Racing Lightning

Some of you may be wondering why my bucket list is soooo small... Where's the ambition, right? Why even bother with a bucket list when there's only two grand goals of life?

First of all, I don't share all of my life's ambitions on a blog.
Secondly, perhaps it's because I am sooo ambitious that my bucket list is so small in the first place. Maybe I've already done most everything on there (besides the obvious--get married in the temple and raise my own basketball team and whatnot).
In fact, one of the items could have been become a famous author. Done and done. Reference? "A Booger Picker" written in 3rd grade by yours truly. It's about a kid who got made fun of for picking his boogers until he became the hero by making the girls squeal during quiet time, earning the boys earlier recess and lunch time. The elementary teachers still know me for that single work. The wikipedia page is coming soon.
Also, one of the items could have been to give such an epic wedgie that the underwear tears. Done and done... as of two Sundays ago.
Also, one of the items could have been to recover my dad's black painted astro-van with decorative flames from the car thief who took it. Done and done. I found it at the county fair where my best friend from high school had jacked it, and I introduced said friend to a nearby law enforcement officer. Boy did he feel sheepish! Of course, my dad doesn't really own a black astro-van with flames painted on it... in fact, all this happened in my dream last night, but that counts for my bucket list, right?
Also, one of those items could have been starring in a musical number as Galahad from "Spamalot." Not done... yet. Just wait til June...
Also, one of those items could have been writing a blog post on April 30th and stuff... done and...
Done.

Keep Reading, It Gets Weirder

I was standing outside the other night watching the lightning show and thinking how much I missed the thunderstorms of Texas... then I started scratching this itch on my arm and the thought actually went through my mind, "I hope this is some sort of terrible bug bite." I mean, if it wasn't then it was probably poison ivy. So far, it hasn't spread or anything.
Then I went outside--the smell of the fresh cut grass after rain, bringing in a windy cold front is very specific in this region. I realize I haven't smelt that smell in over eight years. The smell of springtime in Texas... it's so high school! Back in the days when Facebook wasn't even invented yet, kids still called each other on land lines, and the Houston Astros were a relevant team. I drove a 93 J30 Infinity with 350 thousand miles on it, the biggest social events I attended where stake dances, and my only care in the world was to get in to BYU to watch Crowton's Cougars fumble the ball to a frustrating degree.
Yes, this is another one of those pointless nostalgic posts.
Has it really been eight years since I've been home for my birthday, Halloween, general conference, or Easter? Big deal... 26 aint nothing (which I guess means it's something?), so why am I writing this post as if I'm having a mid-life crisis? I'm gonna live to be 120 after all. Maybe it's a mid-bachelorhood life crisis (and there was much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth!).
Maybe it's the dreams I have of fighting ninjas... and losing.
Maybe I don't have a whole lot to write about so I'm getting repetitive and unoriginal.
Maybe I just like saying the word maybe...

BUT!
Since we're on the topic of unoriginality and stuff, let me just make a few comments on some things completely different:

That movie, Hunger Games, was real good. I've never seen a movie stay so true to the canon (the book). It's funny how the audience can get so offended when movies stray from the books they're based on, or vice verse when it comes to Lord of the Rings. Remember, people, it is a movie "based" on a book, not the book put directly into motion picture medium. But with this Hunger Games, it could have been the latter, and quite applaudably* so.

Also, I watched the new Muppets movie. I am a muppet of a man.

Also also:

Dear Mr. Obama,
     Your taxes suck.
     I am moving to Tonga, and you'll be sorry that I left!!

Not that I'm threatening the government or anything, I just think when I'm famous, they'll be like, "Hey, he's an American! Oh wait..."

*Denotes a newly invented word.

Time Skips

As you can see, I put some nifty categorizations on my blog for my favorite blog posts, regardless of what my imaginary audience thinks. I know, soooooo self-promoting, right? Well, the Books of Man of Little Consequence are all involved, so now you (or I) can read them as one book, though there are significant time skips between each chapter.
And then I started thinking about time skips... you know, the sort that show up in books or t.v. shows, telling you a whole summer has passed or maybe two years when in reality, the only time that has passed was you putting down one book and taking the next one off the shelf. Or maybe you're a bit weird like me and you sleep on it, hoping to get more of the feel of the intended time pass so as to make the reunions between the characters more meaningful (Nerd plug here: I actually waited two days before I made the transition from Naruto to Shippuden. Hopefully, you don't know what I'm talking about...) First Nephi has a seven year time skip when they were wandering around in the wilderness, but we move on to the next verse in a second while he and his family lived through all those--probably very uncomfortable--years.

So do we ever wish for time skips in our lives? Like a sort of Adam Sandler "Click" function where we can just pass a few hours or days or years in the blink of an eye, and effectively accomplish great growth without the growing pains?

I kind of wished for that today as I was painting a long stretch of fence. The monotonous tedium was sure to be taxing on my restless soul... Why can't I just be there--two hours into the future when it's all done for today. But then, if that were the case I would have missed the giant painted turtle in the pampas grass, which I "rescued" and placed in the kennel. I wouldn't have been able to invite my nephews over for a VIP pass to my own single-exhibit zoo, and then we wouldn't have gloriously released the turtle to scores of imaginary cheering cheer-people, and ended the afternoon with a strangely victorious feeling. I mean, it's just a turtle... but turtles are soooo cool and stuff.

So I stand by my own axiom, totally original as far as I know: "The greatest blessing of this monotonous and tedious life--and the tedium and monotony only increase as we get older and settle into a routine of handling responsibilities, mind you--is that we get to live every moment of it." For what is life but monotony, punctuated by periods of exaltation? That wasn't original. I did just quote myself right before that like some great philosopher/tool though.

Then again, it's after midnight and I'm about to retire the day, which means I'll time skip from this time til about, say, eight-thirty tomorrow morning (envy me, oh ye workers of industry in locations other than your own home!). So I guess my whole prolix, philosophical quote is bogus. Bummer.

But what about dreams? Does it count as a time skip if I'm hanging out in an RV parked in the middle of an ocean surrounded by scores of show-boating seals? I'll let you mull that one over in your exhausted minds. Until then, thanks for reading, even if you cut out after the first paragraph on this one.

As I Sit Here on My Bum

I've been thinking... Why is it so bad to be a "pain in someone's rear?" Obviously, "rear" is not always the word used in this instance, but since some children read my blog (i.e. myself) I need to censor the more common phraseology. Anyways, isn't the rear your most resilient body part? I mean, if I got shot somewhere, I would want to get shot in my glutes rather than, say, my funny bone. "Man, you're a real pain in the funny bone!" Or what about the fingers? So many nerve endings there... just think of how much a paper-cut hurts compared to a spanking. For those of you reading this who are too old to remember how much a spanking hurts, let me assure you, they're not that bad. "Man, you're a real pain in the finger!"
I guess if you intend to sit down a whole lot, a pain in your bum would be a bit more of a hassel. Like if I had a splinter in my cheeks that just dug deeper every time I found a nice chair, I guess life could get miserable enough to warrant a younger sibling donning that moniker.
Wait a minute... that's all the time... for pretty much everybody!
Way to go, America. Because we are so sedentary, annoying people are pains in our aces instead of pains in our feet.
Speaking of sedentary America, I think it's funny when morning kid shows are all about singing to the kids to go and get up and get outside and run around or dance and stuff... funny that it comes from a kid's show that is all about keeping the kids in front of the TV. How often do you see your nephews or nieces or grandchildren or children what-have-you actually move (much less get up and stretch out) during Hot Dog Hot Dog Hot Diggity Dog? It just doesn't make any sense...
Like GEICO commercials. They often have NOTHING to do with insurance whatsoever. And beer commercials... why don't they depict those parties like what they actually looked like (people breaking things, barfing, walking around with their pants down and going to jail and stuff)? Then again, the whole alcohol industry doesn't make any sense. It's a reckless waste of life, killing more people in the United States than any other factor--thus one way we avoid the destroying angel by living the word of wisdom. And yet, without the alcohol industry, the American economy would collapse much like the Soviet Union did.
Silly America... what a pain in the arsenal.