Cobwebs

"Todd Martin is the real deal!" -someone potentially famous.
"If everyone in the world was like Todd Martin, there would be no war... also no taxes... and we would eat chimichangas all the time." -maybe Mark Twain?
"Everything is better when it is deep fried." -Todd Martin.

I know. There must be sooo many questions. Questions like, "Why did you start your post with these silly quotes?" or "What happened with the whole 'moving away from Atlanta thing' you hinted about in the last post?" or "Why did God give us bodies that produce boogers and poo and hairy armpits?" or

"WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE REST OF 2014?!"

Let me explain... no, it is too much, let me sum up.

Those three lines at the top (there was a fourth that I'm not sure where it went... maybe it didn't get approved?) are what appears on my profile under that "About Me" secion...

...on LDS planet.

Woa! Talk about lines I never thought I would cross!

Is it a New Year's resolution? Is it because I'm turning 29 soon and hit a landmark of desperation?

Kinda...

Here's what really happened.

I moved away from Atlanta.

Not only did I effectively RESTART my whole social life at virtual ground zero, but I am doing so in one of the smallest social-spheres I have ever been a part of. I call it the Brazosport Twig. It's the Brazosport Branch (get it? Twig?! :D), the YSA of the upper Bay City Stake, and its average sacrament attendance is about... 15. And 8 of the 15 are branch presidency or full time missionaries. You get it, right? That's like 8 people, less than half of which are girls. So, my social life becomes very fragile. Even if I was to try and date of the three to four girls that attends, what happens if things go sour? Would I get another chance? With anyone? So, the online dating thing is a way of increasing my... options.

Man I sound like such a tool right now.

Anyways, I'm open to other possibly better site suggestions from any of my... experienced readers.

So let's talk about less weird stuff. Why did I move back to Texas, and back in with my folks specifically... well there are a lot of factors. If you really want ot know them, you probably already know them, but let's just say I didn't come back to become this guy. This is a temporary thing.

And that is life. What more can I say? I'm enjoying being back with family and cats and stuff, but I also really really miss Atlanta in a lot of ways. And though there have been a lot of head-scratchers for me lately, I still look forward with faith and enthusiasm... and maybe even ambition, which is uncharacteristic of me. In the meantime, enjoy your Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever, enjoy your Galavant, enjoy your Over the Garden Wall, enjoy your Super Smash Brothers, enjoy your Josh Smith and Corey Brewer, and enjoy the finale of Legend of Korra (except for the fact that it got sprayed with progressive urine, just like Harry Potter, Adventure Time, and Frozen).

I'll see you again when I have another trippy dream!

Sports Corner with a Dunce Cap

Haha... woops. Remember that one time I had a blog?
So, now that NBA season has started up, I have something to talk about!... with myself... because nobody in Atlanta cares. "Braves! Braves! What's a 'hawk'? Is that something like phlegm in my throat?"
First of all, in the interest of not jinxing the Rockets, I won't say anything about how I used to think James Harden was overrated but now I don't anymore cause he can score in so many ways like outside shooting, step-back jumpers, Euro-steps, and the much maligned impossible-not-to-foul-me drive to the basket and also did I mention his passing being #6 in the league at 7.5 assists/game?
Deep breath
I also won't mention Dwight Howard, the anchor of a defense that was ridiculed last season but stands at #2 right now.
Sure, we're only eight games into the season. Sure, their opposition hasn't been incredibly taxing. That's why I'm not saying anything after all...
So let's focus on a team that I'm ok with jinxing. How about the Lose Angeles Lakers...
Here's a conspiracy theory: Jim Buss is paying ESPN and other sports media to focus on the flaws of Kobe's game. Evidence: Look at all the focus on how Kobe is now the all-time leader in MISSED shots. Like ever. Motive for Buss to do this: He wants to ease the Laker's fanbase out of the Kobe era as he tanks his way into a new dynasty... that will show up around 2024. The more blame that Kobe gets for the Lakers' woes, the better chance Buss has of not getting offed in a "random" Compton shooting when he makes the inevitable and GOOD basketball decision to let Kobe go. Now, since Kobe's contract expires in 2016, the Lakers are in for a solid 3 years of awfulness, four if you count the one disappointing year they had with Howard. Is that enough to sway the Kobe fanbase--not to be confused with the actual Laker fanbase?
I don't think so.
Here's an example of what kind of irrationality Lakers fans wake up with every day--and this also includes Kobe fans. I talked to a Laker fan recently--in person--and he truly believes that the success of the Orlando Magic from 2007-2010 was all because of HEDO TURKGOLU!! Yup. The bitterness for the Dwight departure runs deep and stirs up all kinds of stupid in the lives of people who don't have a whole lot else to invest their emotions in (Get a football team already!).
I have had other experiences with Lakers fans too. Sometimes I think it would be fun to kick up another flame war with Kobe groupies, but then I think, "Do I really want all that profanity on my Facebook page?" It's a lot like bible bashing... it can be fun, but it's really not good for the soul.
I admit, there's no getting past what Kobe did for this fanbase in giving them 5 championships... but I really think the key word of that last sentence was "Past".
So good luck, Jim Buss. I don't think you can avoid being "Public Enemy Number 1" in L.A. With Kobe it's a... Lose-Lose Angeles Lakers situation!! :D Uggg, that was pretty bad... sorry.
Enough about a largely irrelevant team, let's talk about the relevant ones; like every single other team in the Western conference not from Utah or Colorado. Even the Suckramento Queens? (I remember when I came up with this nickname for them and told it to my roommate who was from Sacramento--he responded with "How about those Houston D@#%heads?"!! Lolz). Because the talent is so tightly packed at the top, the Western conference--perhaps even the championship--will be decided by one thing: Injury. I imagine the entire city of Houston glimpsed just how fragile our season was when Harden landed awkwardly on his ankle last night--flashes of the wasted potential of Yao and McGrady probably came to mind for everyone. But how are all the other teams up there different? Blake Griffin gets into trouble at a club... Dirk is getting old... the entire roster of the Spurs seems to be old every year, even with all their depth. Take a look at what is happening in OKC and Chicago. Yes, the winners of this season... and most seasons, for that matter, will be who shows up in the postseason with the most 100% superstars. I'd argue that the only team with more than two superstars on the roster is Cleveland; nobody else can afford to lose even one. Except maybe the Spurs, because superstar coaches are not as much in danger of injury.
So there you have it. I hate to make my comeback from a two month lapse a sports bit, knowing many of my readers are bored to death with this stuff, but there's just not a whole lot going on in life otherwise. Even my dreams are becoming mundane and repetitive... or perhaps so trippy that words cannot make sense of them. Wow... dreams really do reflect our lives.
Then again, I do have this impending exodus and a new chapter of life starting... or restarting... but I'll talk more about that later. The thought of such things will only make me sad and anxious.

Dear Culture

I'm writing this post because I'm looonely!!!!...
...and BORED!!

For real, I suppose it's time to actually put words on here instead of my favorite animated gifs. Since the summer time is over and we're entering the most wonderful time of the year (for everybody not in school), I'm gonna write my thoughts on what went down this summer... because I wrote about how awesome fall is last year.

I did social things this summer--like social things beyond FHE and institute. Yeah, I'm talking YSA conferences. Two of them. Out of state. Social quota for the year FILLED!
Now what is it that most people think in their minds is the purpose of a single person going to single events filled with singles yet unfamiliar to that single person? And just for emphasis, let me say the word six more times until it starts to be phonetically humorous: "SINGLE SINGLE SINGLE SINGLE SINGLE SINGLE!!"
Yes! Single people are meant to not be single anymore, especially so in this church. At least, that is what church culture tells us, and there is some indirect doctrine to support this culture as well, but let me put a disclaimer here: everyone is an individual and is on their own individual path. The 'when'--or perhaps the 'if'--is different for everyone.
That being said, what is everyone's expectations of every single person--sometimes including themselves--when they go to any sort of co-ed social gathering, whether it be a two hour party or a week long YSA conference (which may not actually exist... mine were only weekend-long this summer)? That's right. Everyone expects you to fulfill priority one: GETTIN DIGITS!
Yes, we must speed up the process of perfection for the dudes, cause we all know they ain't gettin  there by themselves! The faster we slap a wife on them and get them out of the bachelorHOOD the better. Therefore, people prolonging whatever relationships developed over an ephemeral get-together can't help but be a good thing, right?
Well, I for one find the cultural mandate (emphasis on 'man') of getting chicks' numbers very shallow. It makes me feel a lot like these guys:

I mean, think about it--you got a girl's number, great! What made you go after that specific girl? Was it her blazing testimony that was apparent after you first laid eyes on her? Probably not.
It's her looks. Even if you just fall in love with someone's charm and wit, what made you go up and talk to them in the first place? In the short span of time that you had to get to know a multitude of potentially worthy females, you picked one, or two, or three, or seven to focus your attention on and risk rejection in case there is chance for more.
You know this is what "getting numbers" is based on. Don't fool yourself and think otherwise.
Does this make it an evil practice? No! It's just, to varying degrees, a shallow one. I'm sure a lot of good things have come from this.
So it's really just me. I never go to these YSA conferences with even the intention of meeting new people, and that statement probably drew a few gasps from my audience. It probably made some of the more austere people in the audience shake their heads and say, "And THAT's why he's still single..." To some degree, you are correct in your deduction. I'll admit to that.
I'll also say that I'm not a super saint that is all about a girl's inner beauty. Heaven knows I got shallowness issues...
So why the crusade here?
Perhaps I am justifying my own social cowardice. Perhaps this is just Bitter-Bachelor Todd railing on the pressures of getting hitched... again. Or, perhaps there are much deeper issues relating to my own family that give me pause before I jump headlong into a relationship with a girl that I've known for less than six months. When it comes down to it, I'm not even sure I truly know.
But the "Hey I just met you and this is crazy but here's my number call me maybe" always just felt wrong to me.
Opinion done. Stay in school kids!

Reason for graduating from bachelorhood number 47: This has NEVER EVER worked!

How About This One?

How Long Will You Watch This Loop Before Exiting the Web Page?

Beauty and the Beast: A Metaphor

Recently I went and watched a locally done musical called "Beauty and the Beast." It made me think about how long it has been since I've actually watched that Disney movie... and yet I could still sing most of the lyrics in my own head. "No one plots like Gaston, takes cheap shots like Gaston, plans to persecute harmless crack-pots like Gaston!"
Then I realized since I was watching this show as a pseudo-grown up for the first time that the whole thing...
...is a metaphor for LDS YSA life!!
Let me explain.
No it is too long, let me sum up.
First off we have Belle:

"I like to study for fun."

Belle is the most attractive girl in town, but where is her personality? She's all about family and books... so she never really progresses in her social life. Is this a bad thing? Maybe not... but it might just take a life sentence in prison and an enchanted curse to ever get her married. Believe it or not, these kind of girls DO exist. You may see them attending your YSA ward and wonder to yourself, "What are you doing here? How are you still single?!!" But in truth, it's all about priorities. One day she may wake up and think to herself, "Well, maybe I should go get a husband..." and she's got enough depth, ambition, and... well... HOTness that she could get it done in a week just by batting her eyes a little and giving a sly-come-hither stare. 

Then again, all she has to do is show up to attract this sort of guy:

"How would you like some... pest control?"

Here is a man who is absolutely confident in everything in life, especially in how to woo the ladies. In fact, apart from his manly job and/or hobby (notice 'hobby' is singular), getting himself a honey is pretty much the only thing that matters. Since he guzzles protein and plays guitar like Jack Johnson (which Jack Johnson does, right?), he can approach any social situation with the CERTAINTY that the hottest girl in the crowd will inevitably be his girlfriend by the end of the month or week or day or hour. And why should anyone else doubt him? He's probably done it dozens of times before. He's got a great track record of lassoing groupies in every YSA ward he's ever been in, and as soon as he showed his face in your ward, a secret Facebook fan club was formed with his face being the main page. So, again, you may be wondering to yourself, "Why are you still here? How are you still single?!!" Perhaps it's because he is so shallow in his relationships that he never really holds one down--and consequently he doesn't want to. Perhaps it's because he invested all his time on the prettiest girl in the ward (since looks are all that matters) whom he is incapable of forming any connection with. Perhaps it is God's way of protecting His daughters from some severe disappointments. 

Either way, the tools belong in the shed. Have some self respect ladies and be vigilant if you are ever approached by Gaston.

You never know, you might just find a guy like this:

Sure, all that hairiness may take some getting used to. Sure he lives in darkness and obscurity in his parents' basement because he's conscious of all that hairiness. Sure, he never really developed any social skills because he lived in his parents' basement all this time because he was conscious of all that hairiness. So when he finally emerges and some girl is forced onto him--probably by a setup from a third party who would benefit from his graduation from single hopelessness (thus Lumiere, Mrs. Potts and company represent his parents), he may be rude and whiney and even demanding... but rest assured ladies, HE IS MORE SCARED OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF HIM. Like way more scared. I mean, it's ridiculous just how scared this guy is of you. He would probably rather be hunted by wolves that shoot lasers and ride velociraptors than go on a date with you. That being said, if you ever get beyond those first few awkward get-togethers with him and he starts to relax around you, you may find that he's actually very kind and gentle, so much that you could even look past all that hairiness. And then he gains a little confidence in himself as a result of the attention he's getting from a female and starts to care a little about his appearance. Suddenly!!:

Voila!! 10 Cow Husband!

Wow! All the sudden he has some real... face value... :D*

And the rest is happily ever after history.

Notice how Beast and Gaston are on opposite ends of the spectrum. One treats women as property and one treats women like they are completely unattainable. Beast had to find some confidence in himself in order to make the magic happen, so he moved a little toward the middle. What if Gaston had done the same? Belle admitted he was handsome at one point... and then followed it up with "rude and conceited." If he wasn't so full of himself, he probably could have successfully courted Belle. And thus it goes for single dudes. We all need to seek that happy medium between the two spectrums, but most of us either have to man up and gain some confidence or shed some arrogance in order to get there. Here's a high tech display to sum it all up:

The line represents "Self Confidence" and it depreciates as you go from left to right.

The rose is wilting guys. Soon as you're 31... game over!

This also helps clear up the age-old argument of whether it's better to be a nerd or a jock when finding true love. The answer is... no.
Also, one lesson you should NOT take from Beauty and the Beast (or Seven Brides for Seven Brothers): Stockholm syndrome is a good way to get hitched.

And then a girl asked me in real life, "But what about the girls who aren't as pretty as Belle? Where's their happily ever after?" All I can say to that is... watch Mulan. That movie is a metaphor about women knowing their worth even if they're not married right off the bat. 

I think... I think I'm gonna use this as a devotional for FHE someday. 

Reason for graduating from bachelorhood number 28: Everything in life doesn't have to become a metaphor and sad reminder for how hopelessly single you are.

* This may be the first time I've ever used an emoticon ever. Like in my whole life. Therefore, you may expect me to methodically continue to use this particular emoticon as a sort of punctuation denoting a pun that I'm particularly proud of.

Happy Fourth of July.

Emphasis on how I put a period instead of an exclamation. By the way, since when did we all start calling it the Fourth instead of Independence Day? Did that 90's movie get the copyright?

I belong in the air!

Or is it that some people out there don't want to celebrate the birth of the country?

Yes, I was feeling kind of unpatriotic this year. Between taxes and that moral disease called 'progressivism' that has run so rampant across this country that it even found its way into my church, I begin to wonder if this country is the same one that the founding fathers fought for and established. I could write whole essays on these issues, particularly the latter and why I call it a "moral disease," but I promised not to get too political on this blog because I failed to vote at the last presidential election. Regardless, I still love America and think it's the best the world has to offer (mainly for theological reasons) and I'm still incredibly grateful that I can enjoy the Restored Gospel without repercussion. Here's to you America! May the future guide you more on the road of what you once were and less on the road of what you are actually becoming.

So apart from hearing the numerous pops outside of my apartment as I worked on the company database, I didn't experience any fireworks. Without family, I think I'd have to go to some over-crowded public event and sit (if I'm lucky) on the grass and sweat for a show of pyromantics. Is that a word? Pyromantics? Or maybe that's just a romantic pirate... snicker. Anyways, the firework show would be cool and all, but a lot of the magic of the whole concept just isn't there. It'd be much more magical if I was setting them off myself, but that would mean I'd have spent money--probably illegally--on something that lasts for just one go and isn't food. Instead I'd have to find friends and parking and bug repellent and Tylenol for watching something that I've basically already seen numerous times.

How did I celebrate the Fourth then? I did give reason to celebrate it after all... Well, in case I haven't already given it away by the general tone and that odd question right after the first Pullman pic, I celebrated by watching "America; Imagine a World Without Her." It's a documentary by Dinesh D'Souza, in case you're familiar with "2016: Obama's America". It both scared the daylights out of me and restored my patriotism for this year. Weird. Time and money well spent, nonetheless. I recommend it to conservatives everywhere.

Happy Independence Day America!!! Football.

What is President Pullman saying here? Put the caption in the comments.

Also

"The water makes the rocks darker!"

Reason for graduating from bachelorhood number 1776: Firework shows are more fun with someone to cuddle with... wait, really? In July? Sweaty... gross.