With Optimism and Gratitude

Perhaps things have calmed down a bit by now despite the uncertainty that continues... My values as a conservative remain unchanged and it is likely that we will have a president that will challenge those values on many fronts going forward. I believe that the majority of Americans will have their lives--at least their financial lives--get worse in the coming four years. But who knows... maybe I'll be proven wrong about this and the leftist establishment. Nothing would be a more welcome surprise. 

Time will tell... 

It doesn't seem like we have much control over these issues outside of a single vote among millions. It's easy sometimes to get lost in despair being blown about by these partisan winds of power struggles. In the words of King Theoden, "What can one do against such reckless hate?" 

I believe in absolute truth. God is the source of it, for where else would it come from? If there is no absolute truth, we are doomed to confusion via moral relativism that will have mankind in constant conflict with itself until extinction (though some could argue this is the condition we live in anyways). In ancient scripture one way God conveyed this truth to his people was through prophets, and part of my church is a belief that there is a prophet today. What have they been saying? President Gordon B. Hinckley, the prophet for much of the late 90's through 2008 often talked about optimism. It was during this time that I adopted the simple word "optimism" as the key to happiness. I know it's probably easy for me to say considering my relatively simple life, but I still honestly believe that happiness is a choice and not a state enacted upon us no matter who we are. It may be an incredibly difficult choice sometimes, and sometimes it might not be "happiness" but rather "peace" that we choose, but I still think that whatever happens it is a choice available to us. All of us. I also believe in modern day apostles. One of our current apostles, Elder Dallin H. Oakes, gave out this portion of truth about finding strength in anxious times: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/new-era/2020/10/strength-and-guidance-for-anxious-times?lang=eng.

Additionally, our current day prophet, President Russell M. Nelson, spoke about gratitude (here). It's easy sometimes to focus on everything that is going wrong. President Nelson said to maybe try shifting our focus, so here's some things I am grateful for:

1. I am grateful for this knowledge: "All things have been done in the wisdom of Him who knoweth all things." -2 Nephi 2:24. And "I know that [God] loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things." -1 Nephi 11:17. These two scriptures combine to let us know that God is in charge and He has our best interest in mind, even if we don't understand why some things happen the way they do.

2. I am grateful for my family and my faith. I have often called these the anchors to my happiness, but more than that they provide me with purpose in life, something I would probably be severely lacking without.

3. I am grateful for modern technology that allows us to take on modern problems like pandemics without having to hit the panic button. Life goes on so we keep living it, trusting that the human innovation and the unconquerable human spirit will move us through the most difficult times. 

4. I am grateful for America. It was divinely founded and the world is a better place because of it. 

Anyways, these are only some of the things I am grateful for. I could get into the smaller stuff like Kraft Cucumber Ranch and lemon scented dish-washer soap, but I'm trying to keep it a little real this time around. 

Before I finish here, this is not to say that we just lie down and take what happens. There are a lot of questions to be answered regarding our electoral process and the people deserve the answers. But after all we can do, hopefully we face the future with optimism and gratitude. I say we choose happiness!

My Theology and Conservatism

 I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I have probably mentioned that a number of times in this blog, but since this is my second entry after a four year hiatus I probably need to reiterate the fact (in case that also wasn't made apparent by my referencing and linking my church's second article of faith in the last entry). My faith is a HUGE part of who I am, and therefore it plays a huge part in the values I espouse relative to temporal matters as well. 

"...Behold, here am I, send me, I will be thy son, and I will redeem all mankind, that one soul shall not be lost, and surely I will do it; wherefore give me thine honor." Moses 4:1. In case anyone reading this is not of my faith, this is an account from the LDS standard work called the Book of Moses which is comparable to the the book of Genesis. This particular line pertains to the War in Heaven (wherein God put forth a plan and purpose for our mortal lives here on earth) and it is credited not to God the Father or His Son Jesus Christ, but to Lucifer. Basically, he offered an alternate plan to God's--"Give me the power and I will MAKE people good."

Does this sound more like the political left or the right?

Of course there are so many out there who would claim that Trump has no shortage of power-grabbing and impositions on the public--hell, you could probably argue that any politician running for office adopts this slogan in some form. However, the universally acknowledged difference between Conservatives (ideally represented by Republicans) and Liberals/Leftists (ideally represented by Democrats) is that one is for bigger government than the other. One of these parties uniquely calls for big government solutions to all of America's big issues (healthcare, gun control, public education, income inequality, climate change. racial injustice, pandemic outbreaks) and a lot of the smaller issues (obesity, gay rights, hate speech regulation). I suppose the exception would be immigration in which the guilty party wants NO government regulation at all, but this relates more to a separate issue I will briefly address later. 

If anyone reading this would dispute any of the above examples, please comment! All of this I have pulled from the media and experienced very little of it first hand myself, so if you can provide evidence to refute or support my claims I will gladly discuss. I am yet looking for more truth.

"Wherefore, because that Satan rebelled against me and sought to destroy the agency of man, which I, the Lord God, had given him, and also, that I should give unto him mine own power; by the power of mine Only Begotten, I caused that he should be cast down." -Moses 4:3. What's so wrong with wanting people to be good? Nothing. FORCING people to be good, however--and not even to be good, but rather YOUR idea of what is good, then we have a problem. It defeats the purpose of mortal life. I believe that in God's plan, it was more important that man be FREE rather than man be good. That way, he may choose for himself, and CHOOSING good is way more impactful than being good at gunpoint (yes, ultimately the government enforces all its policy at gunpoint). This is why I believe that God's relationship to man is primarily manifest through covenant--it's an invitation. His hand is always outstretched and we are free to accept it in our lives--with the greater reward AND responsibility that comes with greater light--or not. So, which party promotes agency and which party restricts it? I know I am now free to choose whether or not to have Health Insurance without paying a penalty. 

Again, up for discussion here. What freedoms have been restricted and granted under separate administrations? 

Some would argue that the freedom of choice is exemplified in a woman's right to choose an abortion. The term "Pro-Choice" however is actually a huge misnomer, but I will keep my argument here along spiritual lines: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has been very clear about abortion. Honestly, I wouldn't have an issue with abortion if it weren't for my theology. Part of me, the harshly practical Ebenezer Scrooge part, thinks that people opting for abortions would probably be bringing the kids into some pretty crappy situations anyways... but what I consider absolute truth has declared the fetus to be a living human, and that's where the matter lies.

When it comes to abortion, Trump may not have always been against it but he is now. He is also attempting to put a very strong pro-life judge in the Supreme Court. The other side... well, just check Planned Parenthood's webpage to see where they stand.

Ok, now let's do a little exercise. You have to bet a thousand dollars on determining which party of the two major parties someone is going to vote for based on ONE thing they tell you about themselves. 

1. "I am an atheist."

2. "I hate America."

3. "I think marriage is a prison for women."

Sure, extreme examples but that's the point of the exercise. The left will never be outright about its anti-Christian, anti-America, and anti-family agenda, but it's all there in Marxist theory. These three things, with America representing small government democracy, all get in the way of the big state. Only Bernie is outright communist, but most politicians on the left have espoused socialist, big state ideals. It's also all there in the demographics, which if you are honest with yourself on the above exercise you could see how the left caters to certain mindsets. According to my theology, America (1 Nephi 13), the family (everywhere), and Christ (also everywhere), are all central to God's plan. Who would be the most invested in attacking these things?

Some evidence regarding anti-Christian theory: 

DNC Resolution Regarding Religiously Unaffiliated Demographic (see Paragraph 5 in particular) 

Legal attacks on Christian/Catholic organizations that refuse to teach or espouse LGBT principles based on religious belief

Obama's remarks--though somewhat justified--about wicked deeds of Christian past when defending radical Islam

I also find that many of my LDS friends defend leftist movements like BLM by citing the teachings of Jesus. There is a big problem with this however, and only by ignoring this critical teaching of Jesus can Christians still wholly support the modern incarnation of the Democratic party: You cannot pull the compassion of Jesus's teachings out while ignoring the personal responsibility! " 'Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?' She said, 'No man, Lord.' And Jesus said unto her, 'Neither do I condemn thee; go, and sin no more.' " -John 8:10-11. Here the compassion of Jesus's forgiveness is also complimented by his admonition for accountability with the instruction to "sin no more". For those who say that "Jesus is going after the 99th sheep" or "We mourn with those that mourn" regarding BLM, consider the personal accountability of each individual upon which the narrative is built. While it is still a tragic loss of human life, 90% of the "victims" had long criminal records, resisted arrest, and endangered the police involved in the altercations. Are the advocates of BLM truly mourning, or are they throwing an unjustified tantrum? I think this nitpicking of Christ's teachings leads to softer, weaker devotion to Christian values, and is therefore another attack on true Christianity.

Anti-American theory:

I don't care what you think Kaepernick or LeBron's intended messages are, when young Americans see their role-model athletes (though they really shouldn't be role models) kneeling for the anthem, the message they are getting is "America is bad. America is racist." Who are these guys' biggest supporters and who is calling them out on their hypocritical elitism? No links needed here.

The policy for open-borders is also an anti-American policy. Apart from the chants of "No border, no wall, no USA at all" just the idea of unmitigated immigration compromises security immensely. Who cares though if it brings in a swarm of blue voters!?

Also Monday is Columbus Day, or as the PC crowd would call it, "Indigenous People's Day". I have talked to a few who believe that Christopher Columbus was a monster and should never be celebrated, but I believe this man was inspired by God to lay the foundation of the discovery of the New World. Why? Well, this particular man is also referred to in 1 Nephi 13 (v. 12).

Anti-Family theory:

The celebration and promotion of the LGBT community may not be viewed as anti-family by most people, however, to deny that the redefinition of the family and marriage does not bear consequences on the family is dishonest. I only came to this conclusion due to the church's stance on such back in 2008 despite many of my friends wanting to treat revealed doctrine like civil rights. What does this have to do with the left? 

I have always believed that feminism up to a point is a good thing. Women should respect themselves and not throw everything away for the first guy that pays attention to them. Then there's bad feminism, which is basically the "all men suck always" mentality. It's pretty obvious how this is harmful to the nuclear family and it's also pretty obvious where these type of people always throw their votes.

In conclusion, I believe in absolute truth. In an age where truth is bent, broken, and outright ignored by both sides of the media and man is motivated by selfishness to manipulate the masses, I find hope in my belief that God still speaks to man and He is a source of truth that cuts through all the noise. This is why my theology plays such a big part in my personal search for truth, even when it comes to politics. Frankly I find it kind of troubling that so many of my LDS friends will support the pro-abortion party because Trump says mean things, but if any of you are reading this please help me to understand more and let me know your reasoning! The leaders of my faith yet remain politically neutral, but I'm not sure that will always be the case as the polarization intensifies and the mask falls away to reveal the leftist party as what I think it truly is: The great and abominable church (1 Nephi 13:4-6).

Why I Am A Conservative and My Thoughts on Primary Issues of 2020

 It has been over four years since I put anything here. What would bring me back except politics in an especially politically volatile time.

I am about to write some conservative stuff here. It's not necessarily pro-Trump, but it's definitely not against the man. I have lived as one who payed $1800 extra taxes due to ACA so he won my vote just by getting rid of that most unconstitutional mandate. I have lived among minorities for the last five years and I have seen the lies affect my relationship with my neighbors more and more--lies not from Trump but from Obama who was the man specifically positioned to end the race debate once and for all (instead he fanned the flames). I see how ISIS attacks went from happening every other month to basically non-existant since the global apology tour was replaced with an America-first administration. I saw how Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Accords while Obama told the American military that climate change would be their greatest adversary. I have also lived long enough to remember when climate change was called global warming and it was caused by aerosol cans instead of fossil fuels and cow farts. More than anything, I have seen the kind of people that are attracted to the democratic left versus those who still believe in the second article of faith. I'm not saying all who vote Democrat are terrible people, it's just an attractive party for people who are down on their luck and decide to blame society for their problems while also depending on society to fix their problems. 

In most political discussions I have had with those on the other side of the aisle, I am often told why I think the things I think. "You only think those things because you listen to right-wing media." It's not that different from an anti-LDS bible basher telling me what I believe before I can let them know. The previous paragraph shed light on the first-hand experiences (even if some were observing patterns of media) I have had that solidified my stance as a conservative, but if I was to sum it all up in one sentence I would use the words of the late Herman Cain: Less government, less taxes, more individual responsibility. No matter what you think about corruption on either side, we can all come to the consensus that the left/democrats/progressives are for bigGER government, and things like the Green New Deal, ACA, and gun bans are strictly leftist policy (though Romney might have done his own version of ACA had he gotten elected... but that's more about Romney being questionably conservative rather than conservatives fixing problems with massive government reform). 

So I want to talk about now the two biggest things that seemed to ruin 2020 for everybody: COVID 19 and racist police government overreach and media fearmongering.

I lost my job directly due to COVID 19. Working downstream from the oil and gas industry when everyone suddenly stops driving their cars and Eastern countries don't raise oil prices to compensate for that steep drop in demand means companies like Chevron have to start cutting hundreds of millions of dollars in expenses (literally hundreds of millions, that's not an exaggeration). As someone working among engineers without an engineering degree, I saw the culture shift in my company from "we're happy to have you if you can bring us revenue" to "we can only afford the best of the best" and knew my time with my company was limited. Now, even though my future is uncertain, even more so in an eviscerated economy, I am one of the more hopeful ones! I can't imagine what it's like for the millions who are supporting families that lost their livelihoods because of mandatory economic shutdown. So I ask the question that nobody on the left will as they swing their emotionally manipulative hammers about having empty seats at your dinner table... how do we balance the cost of economic depression and the cost of human life? It sounds draconian just to ask that question, right? But that's just how much we've been socially engineered to kill these sort of conversations before they even happen. My stance was to leave it up to the individual to assess the risk in their own lives and to their own families and let them make the decision of whether or not they would physically go to work or keep their business open. But individuals suck and would make selfish and uneducated decisions putting others at risk... so, do you trust the government to NOT suck and make educated decisions for everyone? They are fallible people just like us with limited knowledge--and the knowledge on COVID is still pretty limited judging by how one side says it's a moderately more dangerous flu and the other side says it's the end of the world. What's our stance on masks at the moment? Considering this, what's a possible incentive for media and government to overblow this virus into pandemic status and kill the economy? It has nothing to do with it being an election year, right?

The other issue is of course systemic racism and the BLM reaction. I was sure from the outset that all the cases from Michael Brown to George Floyd (and beyond) were all tragedies morphed by the media to cause chaos, confusion, and division among the public. But then a lot of my friends who are also members of my faith came out in support of the movement, so I felt I needed more truth to decide whether or not this movement was really as toxic as I suspected it being. I reached out to five people and had four good conversations with the fifth telling me to "screw off". I asked for specific evidence that they had witnessed in their lives to justify the support of a movement that was resulting in riots and mob rule. Through their collective responses I came closer to the center on this issue, especially realizing that the racist pockets in the deep south are a bit bigger than I thought--but it still wasn't enough evidence to justify the nation's reaction to all this. I remain convinced that the media benefits from our fear and divisiveness, that most left-wing outlets like CNN and MSNBC turn profits and gain influence by showing us an America just as dramatic as the fiction on TV that it competes with for our views. 

Systemic racism is the perfect leftist problem. It is impossible to pinpoint, therefore impossible to disprove, and there's nothing you can do about it... except hate conservative America and vote Democrats into office for all eternity. On the other hand I can point to evidence that America has long since overcome its worst race problems--evidence like the existence and thriving of three major entertainment industries that are participated in, if not dominated by, minorities (those being professional sports, the music industry, and Hollywood). Evidence that on almost every job application I fill out I can put my race down if I want to... why? Why is that relevant again? Evidence in the fact that we had one of the most inexperienced and undeserving politicians become president--twice--and he was a black man (ironically rivaled in inexperience only by our current president). Evidence that no law or social contract actually exists that is racist against people of color. Evidence that we have such an emotional reaction to the word "racism" that it can derail someone's career as quickly as being a rapist. You only have to change one letter in the word... (And for anyone who would argue that Trump is a racist and it didn't derail his career, I know what evidence you would cite and I would destroy that argument with a mere shred of context). But then all this still doesn't disprove it because there's still an ethereal miasma of racism hanging over America holding black people back born from internal biases and leftover consequences of racist policies four generations old... and I am racist just for pointing out these evidences and asking questions about it. Right? 

I didn't vote for Trump in 2016. It's not because he said gross things during his campaign or said gross things in his past but because I didn't think he represented the conservative ideals I am invested in (again, less taxes, less government, more individual responsibility). Since he got rid of the ACA mandate, my vote was his to lose, and after four years of legislating more conservatively than I anticipated him doing despite being a petulant child on social media, he hasn't lost it. Nevertheless, I am still seeking truth amidst all of this so I invite discussion from anyone who made it this far. 

When Are We Gonna Get a Hockey Team?

Houston sports lately has almost been as big of a disappointment as my social life. I wish I had more hobbies to invest my emotions in, cause my heart is hurting every day as I watch the futility of it all. These teams that achieved so much in 2015 just started... not achieving. Seriously, I can't ever remember being this disappointed since I went to a midnight showing of The Last Airbender. Not even the injury riddled Yao/McGrady era made me groan so much every time I checked ESPN.com.
Here come a lot of sarcastic thank you's.
Thanks Astros and Rockets! Thanks to all those all-stars who come to our city only to start performing like you want to get waived (Giles, Gomez, Kazmir, Lawson)! Thanks Khloe Khardashian! Thanks Taylor Swift! Thanks whoever is paying these teams below the table to tank cause nobody wants to see Houston sports succeed! Thanks whoever changed the water in Houston that probably deteriorates lung capacity (I've felt this one personally...)! Thanks universe for making a whole city suffer through mediocre sports just to teach one person (me) humility and patience!
Sigh...

People

People.

People are different.

People have brains that just come to different conclusions on how to deal with certain situations in life.

And I think people can really suck sometimes.

This is not even touching on the political debacle happening in our country right now, I just started thinking about this when I was thinking of one of my old acquaintances--a missionary companion of mine.

Do you know people like this? People that you personally knew, and the whole time you knew them, they just sucked?

Let me put a disclaimer here and just say that this is my limited world view opinion of the guy, but I really felt he never grew out of that middle school bully stage where self-validation came from tearing down others.

Maybe some people you knew didn't suck for the same reason, but if you thought of anyone that you even consider, dare I say, "Enemies" in your life, do you ever wonder how they're doing in life?

Do you ever do the masochistic thing and stalk them on Facebook?

I did that today.

The dude is married with two kids. 

Fantastic universe. Keep rewarding these sucky people and leave me to rot!

...

Who do I think I am?

People can change. People can stop sucking. Maybe I was the sucky one in the first place! Maybe he even felt remorse for actually pulling knives on me and shouting expletives at my face while wearing a name tag with the name of Jesus Christ on it, and maybe there was just something I needed to learn there. Again, I acknowledge my view of reality only goes so far...

Or maybe this fallen world is just impartial and arbitrarily hands out happiness to whatever schmuck crosses Go at the right time. 

In any case, what does it matter to me what happens to him? Isn't the charitable thing to wish everyone universal happiness? It's a hard thing to do for sucky people, but it's all you can do for peace when those great-once-in-whiles happen and that jerk just crosses your mind. 

So here's to you Mr. Potato Head (name switched for privacy purposes)! I raise my metaphorical glass to you and start my fast now with the intent to being better at putting away old grievances. I should be worrying more about my own life and how it's become so insignificant I can only update my blog once every six months... And only with existential excerpts from my own journal.

Some Thoughts From a Muggle

You know what bothers me about Rowling's world of magic most? I mean, besides that absurd Quidditch game scoring (I know, plot reasons, Harry has to be the most important in EVERYTHING)...
It's the ease by which everyone can kill each other!
I mean, all you have to say is two gibberish words and BOOM headshot! Except it doesn't have to be a headshot. I assume you can Avada Kedavra someone in the butt or on their foot even and they stone-cold die. So what was so special about Bellatrix killing Sirius? What was so terrifying about the whole Death-Eaters in the first place? They're shooting off roman candles at each other while all they really need to do is rehearse the killing curse phrase over and over again. That's all Bellatrix had to do in her final battle against the Weasley gingers, but she giggles instead until she somehow disintegrates because Mrs. Weasley scowls so intently at her. Why? I dunno. Because magic.
So, in the magical world, it is tradition to give 11 year-olds the equivalent of a magical gun that never runs out of ammo. And they take it to school. And the school is full of raging hormonal teenagers. And the school deliberately polarizes these students by putting them into separate houses. And one of the houses happens to have all the offspring of known sociopathic killers.
If I was Peeves the Poltergeist, I'd be whispering to Lavender Brown, "It's so easy, Lavender. All you have to do is say two words and point your wand at Hermione. Then all the competition for Won Won will be gone gone!"
Or, I could be a new dark wizard that bests Harry Potter simply by duct taping my wand to my hands, so he's like "Expelliarmus!! Hey... WTF?" And I'm like, "LOL, Avada Kedavra. Boom. Hufflepuffs FOREVER!!" Then I Imperius curse my way to the top of the Muggle world and live in luxury and infamy to the end of my immortal days (immortal cause I'd throw a few horcruxes in there just for kicks).
Then I read back on what I have posted... oh man, I'm evil!

....

Pretty stellar for my first post since the second round of the NBA playoffs, and my first non-sports post since February, eh? What can I say... these days my thoughts are so deep that I am having a lot of trouble... retrieving... them. Yup. See you in six months!

Sports Corner with a Dunce Cap

Uninformed. Unintentional. Underdog.
Unbiased? Nah... it's kinda biased.
Here's some of the conspiracy theories I have in my head following the Rockets/Mavs beatdown... I mean series.

Theory #1: Rajon Rondo is a double agent for the Houston Rockets.
Daryl Morey's craftiness knows no bounds or precedents. Some Houston fans probably wondered why he didn't reach out to Rondo with a stronger hand than he did once Rondo hit the market. Well guess what... he DID! MOREY PAYED RONDO TO PLAY FOR THE MAVS!! Yup. Weeks before the deadline, Morey had a vision at night of J.J. Barrea making a fool out of the Rocket's 30+ point guards, so Morey decided to usurp the little man with a wash-up big name has-been, knowing full well that Mark Cuban loves has-beens more than even the New York Knicks. Predictably, Cuban took the bait, and the rest is history.
Here is Morey's EXACT conversation over the phone with Rondo that set it all in motion:
Morey: "You go 'play' for the Mavericks--and you can't see it over the phone but I'm putting up air-quotes when I say 'play'--and we'll make sure you're not hurting after the team excludes you from a playoff share."
Rondo: "Oh man, that's so GANGSTA!!"
Thus the first double-agent NBA playa is born... or is he the first? Remember that guy named Metta World Peace?

After Cuban exited the Toyota Center on Tuesday, talking about the game being sooooo "last season", he would then join Morey for dinner at some uppety restaurant in downtown Houston and Morey would tell him all about the Rondo scam. The two would then share a big laugh because, Theory #2, Daryl Morey and Mark Cuban are actually friends! All of Cuban's smack talk up to this point concerning the Rockets and Morey has just been business. It's press. It gets people saying bad things about Cuban, sure, but it still gets people saying things about Cuban. Morey understands. Morey has done the same thing when it comes to Charles Barkley. Then, after game seven of the Spurs/Clippers series, both Morey and Cuban will call Poppovich to congratulate him on his win and then all three will get together to form a trio of the most-ahead-of-the-curve minds in all of basketballdom and talk shop, particularly how they're gonna make basketball so powerful and dominant in the state of Texas that the NBA will have no choice but to keep the three Texan teams in the league even after Texas secedes from the the rest of the country.

After game 3 of the series, Coach Rick Carlisle--unaware of the secret camaraderie between Cuban and Morey--makes a calculated statement to the press knowing full well he was going to get fined. What is 25 grand compared to keeping your job? Carlisle witnessed the domination of Howard and knew there was no other way to stop him... his last option was Theory #3- Jim Carrey. Yes, that's right. With his statement, Carlisle already got the refs gunning for Howard, so now all he had to do was get his own players on the same page. Carlisle then calls upon his doppleganger--perhaps even a long lost brother--Jim Carrey to come teach the players a little about... over-acting. Yes. Embellishment. It's now a common and effective defensive strategy in the NBA. And, as we witness all throughout the 90's and much of this century, Jim Carrey knows a thing or two about falling. Barrea, Ellis, and Novitski (though Novitski was already pretty good at it) take the teaching to heart and what do you know, Dwight gets called for three offensive fouls in one single quarter in game 5, all of them on off-ball stuff (illegal screens and rebounding). Unfortunately for the Mavs, the refs make sure that the numbers even out most of the time regardless of the contact going on from either side, so Dwight got away with some real stuff in the fourth quarter. This is more evidence that Cuban is actually friends with Morey, because you can be certain that if Cuban REALLY wanted to win, those refs would have some fat wads of cash in their pockets and Dwight would have six fouls three minutes into the second quarter.

And despite the over-the-top tone of this article, I actually do believe that NBA players are coached to flop. I think it's a European strategy assimilated from soccer culture. I also believe that James Harden is NOT EVEN CLOSE to the league's top floppers. I've commented on social media about that before.

So the Rockets made it to the second round. Wow. The Astros are in first place in their division. Wow. Even the Texans have a soft enough schedule that playoffs are certainly a possibility for them. Is it finally Houston's time? Have I finally sufficiently repented that the Lord will let the teams I love most rise above mediocrity!? I don't know. Either I have just jinxed every one of them, or the Rockets are going to win a championship, the Astros are going to win a World Series, the Texans are going to win a Super Bowl, and Houston's expansion NHL team that nobody even knows about yet is going to defy all science and win a Stanley Cup in their first season. And then make sure your food storage is up to date because the Second Coming will be shortly thereafter...

No! Don't Do This To Me Father Time!

This is how I know the universe revolves around me:
Dinosaur Comics, one of my favorite things about waking up every day, was all about this today.
Today is a national holiday: Fat Tuesday. What did I have to eat today? A bacon cheeseburger and an XXL stuffed burrito from Taco Bell. Yup. This national holiday is all about me.
A step ladder went out of its way today just to be hit on the highway by the very car I was driving. Don't worry. No sexagenarians were injured in the incident. Also no 29 year olds. Just a flat tire.

!!!

Yes. 29. As much as I petition father time to let me slide, he only speeds things up. Next thing you know I'll wake up being like... 30 or something. That's beyond menace. That's like Sith Lord in the Mormon church, and not dashing and mysterious Vader... we're talking Palpatine.
With that reference is there any wonder I'm still single?
Anyways, no offense to any of my 30+ single male readers in the Mormon church. Last time I checked, I didn't have any of those, but I gotta put that in there just to cover my bases.
So there you have it. Irrefutable evidence that this universe exists only so I can live in it. So if anyone wants to know how the most important man in the world is spending the 29th anniversary of his graduation from the pre-mortal experience, just know that it involves hanging out with cats. And not much else.
So I gotta go. The kids are supposed to surprise me here in a bit. Huzzah!
See you with the next trippy dream! Still waiting for it...

Cobwebs

"Todd Martin is the real deal!" -someone potentially famous.
"If everyone in the world was like Todd Martin, there would be no war... also no taxes... and we would eat chimichangas all the time." -maybe Mark Twain?
"Everything is better when it is deep fried." -Todd Martin.

I know. There must be sooo many questions. Questions like, "Why did you start your post with these silly quotes?" or "What happened with the whole 'moving away from Atlanta thing' you hinted about in the last post?" or "Why did God give us bodies that produce boogers and poo and hairy armpits?" or

"WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE REST OF 2014?!"

Let me explain... no, it is too much, let me sum up.

Those three lines at the top (there was a fourth that I'm not sure where it went... maybe it didn't get approved?) are what appears on my profile under that "About Me" secion...

...on LDS planet.

Woa! Talk about lines I never thought I would cross!

Is it a New Year's resolution? Is it because I'm turning 29 soon and hit a landmark of desperation?

Kinda...

Here's what really happened.

I moved away from Atlanta.

Not only did I effectively RESTART my whole social life at virtual ground zero, but I am doing so in one of the smallest social-spheres I have ever been a part of. I call it the Brazosport Twig. It's the Brazosport Branch (get it? Twig?! :D), the YSA of the upper Bay City Stake, and its average sacrament attendance is about... 15. And 8 of the 15 are branch presidency or full time missionaries. You get it, right? That's like 8 people, less than half of which are girls. So, my social life becomes very fragile. Even if I was to try and date of the three to four girls that attends, what happens if things go sour? Would I get another chance? With anyone? So, the online dating thing is a way of increasing my... options.

Man I sound like such a tool right now.

Anyways, I'm open to other possibly better site suggestions from any of my... experienced readers.

So let's talk about less weird stuff. Why did I move back to Texas, and back in with my folks specifically... well there are a lot of factors. If you really want ot know them, you probably already know them, but let's just say I didn't come back to become this guy. This is a temporary thing.

And that is life. What more can I say? I'm enjoying being back with family and cats and stuff, but I also really really miss Atlanta in a lot of ways. And though there have been a lot of head-scratchers for me lately, I still look forward with faith and enthusiasm... and maybe even ambition, which is uncharacteristic of me. In the meantime, enjoy your Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever, enjoy your Galavant, enjoy your Over the Garden Wall, enjoy your Super Smash Brothers, enjoy your Josh Smith and Corey Brewer, and enjoy the finale of Legend of Korra (except for the fact that it got sprayed with progressive urine, just like Harry Potter, Adventure Time, and Frozen).

I'll see you again when I have another trippy dream!

Sports Corner with a Dunce Cap

Haha... woops. Remember that one time I had a blog?
So, now that NBA season has started up, I have something to talk about!... with myself... because nobody in Atlanta cares. "Braves! Braves! What's a 'hawk'? Is that something like phlegm in my throat?"
First of all, in the interest of not jinxing the Rockets, I won't say anything about how I used to think James Harden was overrated but now I don't anymore cause he can score in so many ways like outside shooting, step-back jumpers, Euro-steps, and the much maligned impossible-not-to-foul-me drive to the basket and also did I mention his passing being #6 in the league at 7.5 assists/game?
Deep breath
I also won't mention Dwight Howard, the anchor of a defense that was ridiculed last season but stands at #2 right now.
Sure, we're only eight games into the season. Sure, their opposition hasn't been incredibly taxing. That's why I'm not saying anything after all...
So let's focus on a team that I'm ok with jinxing. How about the Lose Angeles Lakers...
Here's a conspiracy theory: Jim Buss is paying ESPN and other sports media to focus on the flaws of Kobe's game. Evidence: Look at all the focus on how Kobe is now the all-time leader in MISSED shots. Like ever. Motive for Buss to do this: He wants to ease the Laker's fanbase out of the Kobe era as he tanks his way into a new dynasty... that will show up around 2024. The more blame that Kobe gets for the Lakers' woes, the better chance Buss has of not getting offed in a "random" Compton shooting when he makes the inevitable and GOOD basketball decision to let Kobe go. Now, since Kobe's contract expires in 2016, the Lakers are in for a solid 3 years of awfulness, four if you count the one disappointing year they had with Howard. Is that enough to sway the Kobe fanbase--not to be confused with the actual Laker fanbase?
I don't think so.
Here's an example of what kind of irrationality Lakers fans wake up with every day--and this also includes Kobe fans. I talked to a Laker fan recently--in person--and he truly believes that the success of the Orlando Magic from 2007-2010 was all because of HEDO TURKGOLU!! Yup. The bitterness for the Dwight departure runs deep and stirs up all kinds of stupid in the lives of people who don't have a whole lot else to invest their emotions in (Get a football team already!).
I have had other experiences with Lakers fans too. Sometimes I think it would be fun to kick up another flame war with Kobe groupies, but then I think, "Do I really want all that profanity on my Facebook page?" It's a lot like bible bashing... it can be fun, but it's really not good for the soul.
I admit, there's no getting past what Kobe did for this fanbase in giving them 5 championships... but I really think the key word of that last sentence was "Past".
So good luck, Jim Buss. I don't think you can avoid being "Public Enemy Number 1" in L.A. With Kobe it's a... Lose-Lose Angeles Lakers situation!! :D Uggg, that was pretty bad... sorry.
Enough about a largely irrelevant team, let's talk about the relevant ones; like every single other team in the Western conference not from Utah or Colorado. Even the Suckramento Queens? (I remember when I came up with this nickname for them and told it to my roommate who was from Sacramento--he responded with "How about those Houston D@#%heads?"!! Lolz). Because the talent is so tightly packed at the top, the Western conference--perhaps even the championship--will be decided by one thing: Injury. I imagine the entire city of Houston glimpsed just how fragile our season was when Harden landed awkwardly on his ankle last night--flashes of the wasted potential of Yao and McGrady probably came to mind for everyone. But how are all the other teams up there different? Blake Griffin gets into trouble at a club... Dirk is getting old... the entire roster of the Spurs seems to be old every year, even with all their depth. Take a look at what is happening in OKC and Chicago. Yes, the winners of this season... and most seasons, for that matter, will be who shows up in the postseason with the most 100% superstars. I'd argue that the only team with more than two superstars on the roster is Cleveland; nobody else can afford to lose even one. Except maybe the Spurs, because superstar coaches are not as much in danger of injury.
So there you have it. I hate to make my comeback from a two month lapse a sports bit, knowing many of my readers are bored to death with this stuff, but there's just not a whole lot going on in life otherwise. Even my dreams are becoming mundane and repetitive... or perhaps so trippy that words cannot make sense of them. Wow... dreams really do reflect our lives.
Then again, I do have this impending exodus and a new chapter of life starting... or restarting... but I'll talk more about that later. The thought of such things will only make me sad and anxious.

Dear Culture

I'm writing this post because I'm looonely!!!!...
...and BORED!!

For real, I suppose it's time to actually put words on here instead of my favorite animated gifs. Since the summer time is over and we're entering the most wonderful time of the year (for everybody not in school), I'm gonna write my thoughts on what went down this summer... because I wrote about how awesome fall is last year.

I did social things this summer--like social things beyond FHE and institute. Yeah, I'm talking YSA conferences. Two of them. Out of state. Social quota for the year FILLED!
Now what is it that most people think in their minds is the purpose of a single person going to single events filled with singles yet unfamiliar to that single person? And just for emphasis, let me say the word six more times until it starts to be phonetically humorous: "SINGLE SINGLE SINGLE SINGLE SINGLE SINGLE!!"
Yes! Single people are meant to not be single anymore, especially so in this church. At least, that is what church culture tells us, and there is some indirect doctrine to support this culture as well, but let me put a disclaimer here: everyone is an individual and is on their own individual path. The 'when'--or perhaps the 'if'--is different for everyone.
That being said, what is everyone's expectations of every single person--sometimes including themselves--when they go to any sort of co-ed social gathering, whether it be a two hour party or a week long YSA conference (which may not actually exist... mine were only weekend-long this summer)? That's right. Everyone expects you to fulfill priority one: GETTIN DIGITS!
Yes, we must speed up the process of perfection for the dudes, cause we all know they ain't gettin  there by themselves! The faster we slap a wife on them and get them out of the bachelorHOOD the better. Therefore, people prolonging whatever relationships developed over an ephemeral get-together can't help but be a good thing, right?
Well, I for one find the cultural mandate (emphasis on 'man') of getting chicks' numbers very shallow. It makes me feel a lot like these guys:

I mean, think about it--you got a girl's number, great! What made you go after that specific girl? Was it her blazing testimony that was apparent after you first laid eyes on her? Probably not.
It's her looks. Even if you just fall in love with someone's charm and wit, what made you go up and talk to them in the first place? In the short span of time that you had to get to know a multitude of potentially worthy females, you picked one, or two, or three, or seven to focus your attention on and risk rejection in case there is chance for more.
You know this is what "getting numbers" is based on. Don't fool yourself and think otherwise.
Does this make it an evil practice? No! It's just, to varying degrees, a shallow one. I'm sure a lot of good things have come from this.
So it's really just me. I never go to these YSA conferences with even the intention of meeting new people, and that statement probably drew a few gasps from my audience. It probably made some of the more austere people in the audience shake their heads and say, "And THAT's why he's still single..." To some degree, you are correct in your deduction. I'll admit to that.
I'll also say that I'm not a super saint that is all about a girl's inner beauty. Heaven knows I got shallowness issues...
So why the crusade here?
Perhaps I am justifying my own social cowardice. Perhaps this is just Bitter-Bachelor Todd railing on the pressures of getting hitched... again. Or, perhaps there are much deeper issues relating to my own family that give me pause before I jump headlong into a relationship with a girl that I've known for less than six months. When it comes down to it, I'm not even sure I truly know.
But the "Hey I just met you and this is crazy but here's my number call me maybe" always just felt wrong to me.
Opinion done. Stay in school kids!

Reason for graduating from bachelorhood number 47: This has NEVER EVER worked!

How About This One?

How Long Will You Watch This Loop Before Exiting the Web Page?

Beauty and the Beast: A Metaphor

Recently I went and watched a locally done musical called "Beauty and the Beast." It made me think about how long it has been since I've actually watched that Disney movie... and yet I could still sing most of the lyrics in my own head. "No one plots like Gaston, takes cheap shots like Gaston, plans to persecute harmless crack-pots like Gaston!"
Then I realized since I was watching this show as a pseudo-grown up for the first time that the whole thing...
...is a metaphor for LDS YSA life!!
Let me explain.
No it is too long, let me sum up.
First off we have Belle:

"I like to study for fun."

Belle is the most attractive girl in town, but where is her personality? She's all about family and books... so she never really progresses in her social life. Is this a bad thing? Maybe not... but it might just take a life sentence in prison and an enchanted curse to ever get her married. Believe it or not, these kind of girls DO exist. You may see them attending your YSA ward and wonder to yourself, "What are you doing here? How are you still single?!!" But in truth, it's all about priorities. One day she may wake up and think to herself, "Well, maybe I should go get a husband..." and she's got enough depth, ambition, and... well... HOTness that she could get it done in a week just by batting her eyes a little and giving a sly-come-hither stare. 

Then again, all she has to do is show up to attract this sort of guy:

"How would you like some... pest control?"

Here is a man who is absolutely confident in everything in life, especially in how to woo the ladies. In fact, apart from his manly job and/or hobby (notice 'hobby' is singular), getting himself a honey is pretty much the only thing that matters. Since he guzzles protein and plays guitar like Jack Johnson (which Jack Johnson does, right?), he can approach any social situation with the CERTAINTY that the hottest girl in the crowd will inevitably be his girlfriend by the end of the month or week or day or hour. And why should anyone else doubt him? He's probably done it dozens of times before. He's got a great track record of lassoing groupies in every YSA ward he's ever been in, and as soon as he showed his face in your ward, a secret Facebook fan club was formed with his face being the main page. So, again, you may be wondering to yourself, "Why are you still here? How are you still single?!!" Perhaps it's because he is so shallow in his relationships that he never really holds one down--and consequently he doesn't want to. Perhaps it's because he invested all his time on the prettiest girl in the ward (since looks are all that matters) whom he is incapable of forming any connection with. Perhaps it is God's way of protecting His daughters from some severe disappointments. 

Either way, the tools belong in the shed. Have some self respect ladies and be vigilant if you are ever approached by Gaston.

You never know, you might just find a guy like this:

Sure, all that hairiness may take some getting used to. Sure he lives in darkness and obscurity in his parents' basement because he's conscious of all that hairiness. Sure, he never really developed any social skills because he lived in his parents' basement all this time because he was conscious of all that hairiness. So when he finally emerges and some girl is forced onto him--probably by a setup from a third party who would benefit from his graduation from single hopelessness (thus Lumiere, Mrs. Potts and company represent his parents), he may be rude and whiney and even demanding... but rest assured ladies, HE IS MORE SCARED OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF HIM. Like way more scared. I mean, it's ridiculous just how scared this guy is of you. He would probably rather be hunted by wolves that shoot lasers and ride velociraptors than go on a date with you. That being said, if you ever get beyond those first few awkward get-togethers with him and he starts to relax around you, you may find that he's actually very kind and gentle, so much that you could even look past all that hairiness. And then he gains a little confidence in himself as a result of the attention he's getting from a female and starts to care a little about his appearance. Suddenly!!:

Voila!! 10 Cow Husband!

Wow! All the sudden he has some real... face value... :D*

And the rest is happily ever after history.

Notice how Beast and Gaston are on opposite ends of the spectrum. One treats women as property and one treats women like they are completely unattainable. Beast had to find some confidence in himself in order to make the magic happen, so he moved a little toward the middle. What if Gaston had done the same? Belle admitted he was handsome at one point... and then followed it up with "rude and conceited." If he wasn't so full of himself, he probably could have successfully courted Belle. And thus it goes for single dudes. We all need to seek that happy medium between the two spectrums, but most of us either have to man up and gain some confidence or shed some arrogance in order to get there. Here's a high tech display to sum it all up:

The line represents "Self Confidence" and it depreciates as you go from left to right.

The rose is wilting guys. Soon as you're 31... game over!

This also helps clear up the age-old argument of whether it's better to be a nerd or a jock when finding true love. The answer is... no.
Also, one lesson you should NOT take from Beauty and the Beast (or Seven Brides for Seven Brothers): Stockholm syndrome is a good way to get hitched.

And then a girl asked me in real life, "But what about the girls who aren't as pretty as Belle? Where's their happily ever after?" All I can say to that is... watch Mulan. That movie is a metaphor about women knowing their worth even if they're not married right off the bat. 

I think... I think I'm gonna use this as a devotional for FHE someday. 

Reason for graduating from bachelorhood number 28: Everything in life doesn't have to become a metaphor and sad reminder for how hopelessly single you are.

* This may be the first time I've ever used an emoticon ever. Like in my whole life. Therefore, you may expect me to methodically continue to use this particular emoticon as a sort of punctuation denoting a pun that I'm particularly proud of.

Happy Fourth of July.

Emphasis on how I put a period instead of an exclamation. By the way, since when did we all start calling it the Fourth instead of Independence Day? Did that 90's movie get the copyright?

I belong in the air!

Or is it that some people out there don't want to celebrate the birth of the country?

Yes, I was feeling kind of unpatriotic this year. Between taxes and that moral disease called 'progressivism' that has run so rampant across this country that it even found its way into my church, I begin to wonder if this country is the same one that the founding fathers fought for and established. I could write whole essays on these issues, particularly the latter and why I call it a "moral disease," but I promised not to get too political on this blog because I failed to vote at the last presidential election. Regardless, I still love America and think it's the best the world has to offer (mainly for theological reasons) and I'm still incredibly grateful that I can enjoy the Restored Gospel without repercussion. Here's to you America! May the future guide you more on the road of what you once were and less on the road of what you are actually becoming.

So apart from hearing the numerous pops outside of my apartment as I worked on the company database, I didn't experience any fireworks. Without family, I think I'd have to go to some over-crowded public event and sit (if I'm lucky) on the grass and sweat for a show of pyromantics. Is that a word? Pyromantics? Or maybe that's just a romantic pirate... snicker. Anyways, the firework show would be cool and all, but a lot of the magic of the whole concept just isn't there. It'd be much more magical if I was setting them off myself, but that would mean I'd have spent money--probably illegally--on something that lasts for just one go and isn't food. Instead I'd have to find friends and parking and bug repellent and Tylenol for watching something that I've basically already seen numerous times.

How did I celebrate the Fourth then? I did give reason to celebrate it after all... Well, in case I haven't already given it away by the general tone and that odd question right after the first Pullman pic, I celebrated by watching "America; Imagine a World Without Her." It's a documentary by Dinesh D'Souza, in case you're familiar with "2016: Obama's America". It both scared the daylights out of me and restored my patriotism for this year. Weird. Time and money well spent, nonetheless. I recommend it to conservatives everywhere.

Happy Independence Day America!!! Football.

What is President Pullman saying here? Put the caption in the comments.

Also

"The water makes the rocks darker!"

Reason for graduating from bachelorhood number 1776: Firework shows are more fun with someone to cuddle with... wait, really? In July? Sweaty... gross.

In that Old Violin

I apologize in advance. Normally, readers come to this blog for light-hearted giggles and... whatnot (really, I have no better word to describe this blog than "whatnot"). However, every now and then you get a post that's a bit more heavy... something a bit more what it is NOT instead of whatnot. Know what I mean? 

This is one of those posts.

Sometimes I will find a song that I immediately develop a deep, spiritual connection with. I'm not just talking about Motab here; in fact it may happen just as much with "secular" songs as it does with "spiritual" songs. This particular secular song:

Regardless of whatever message--if indeed there is a message--that Amos Lee wanted to put forth in this particular song, this is the message I got (and it's kind of meta):

Amidst the financial, social, and spiritual struggles of life, it really helps to just reconnect with divinity. Here we get a song about a man who faces the selfishness of the world every day and manages to do just that (reconnecting with God) through the simplest of means: an old violin. Whether this violin holds memories of a simpler time or it provides a talented musician with an emotional outlet that puts everything back in perspective, he doesn't say. For me, it doesn't matter. I have my own "old violins" when I face bills, seemingly unpayable debts, loneliness, family distress, hitting my funny bone on things, etc. The piano is an emotional outlet for me almost as much as writing in my journal is. Unfortunately, it didn't become such until late in my highschool years so I never got really good at it. I still have other music that can reconnect me to my God, even songs like this one here, so this song becomes itself an "old violin" for me. It's not the only one, of course. I can remember many such tumultuous points in my life where my soul rises from despair (whatever relative tumult and despair I have faced) through a seemingly miraculous blend of lyric and melody. Additionally, even without getting me through hard times music has played an integral part in building who I am. I truly believe that the Spirit has built every good aspect there is about Todd Martin, from whatever acts of compassion and diligence I have occasionally done to having the wits and creativity to type up inane posts about nothing and everything at once. Music like this strengthens my connection to that Spirit.

I always thought that if you want to take a look into someone's soul, go through their iTunes playlist or their CD case. If those randumb excerpts from my journal weren't enough, here's another peak for all you readers.

Gross. Enough of wading in the kiddie pool of the soul of the man of little consequence. Let's get back to silliness!

Chinese Pizza

One of my friends from college used to try to recruit me to his business meetings for business stuff. He claimed that I was one of the most creative people he knew. To this day, I'm not sure what he based that presumption off of besides the fact that he enjoyed the Book of the Man of Little Consequence... but I do have ideas. Sure, these ideas are kind of big and impractical, and somebody has probably already had them somewhere, and I've probably already mentioned them before, but here you go:

#1: Chinese Pizza
Everybody knows that when you mix two nationalities into one restaurant, the result is always unique and wildly successful!... I mean, look at Taco Bell. It's a successful chain based off of both Mexico and I think Mordor. And I luuuuurve me some Toxic Bell!
So here's my contribution to the world of international food cross-overs: It looks just like a pizza, but you take a bite and supplies your taste-buds with a fiesta of Asian persuasion! Instead of cheese, you get rice. Instead of tomato sauce, you get sweet and sour sauce. Instead of pepperoni, it's orange chicken! Instead of bread dough, you get wanton... and perchance even stuffed crust wanton with crab cheese! Choose from any list of toppings like broccoli, cabbage, noodles, tofu, radish, fortune cookies, and all kinds of chicken, pork, beef, and dog.
And the best part is that when it's delivered, on top of the stack of boxes is a cardboard Eastern-style roof gable like the ones you associate with samurai and ninja. I don't think I'm describing this well, so I'll put a picture of something in the neighborhood of what my imagination is cooking up:

Instead of housing, those will be pizza boxes, and probably much smaller without the weird thingy on top

So there. I think the big sell on this one would be that you can enjoy a Chinese meal and not be ashamed about being really bad at using chop sticks, which I'm pretty sure most Amelicans suffer with. You just eat it like it's pizza. Get to it, world. I want one by the end of the year.

#2 The Man Factory

This is an outlet store hybrid of sorts. No, it doesn't produce actual men but stuff FOR men. It mainly deals in power tools and bacon. It also has TV's that play Anchor Man and Major Payne 24/7, punctuated by episodes of NCIS (because Gibbs is the Uber man) and Sports Center.

Yes, there may be many who walk into the place looking for dirty mags or other such objectifications of women, but the Man Factory will have no such thing. I personally think such material is the opposite of manliness. Go get a family and take care of them, THAT's manly. Maybe Anchor Man isn't the best for this kind of theme after all...

And yes, I'm not one to talk about having a family and taking care of them. I never claimed to be the paradigm of manliness myself. What kind of brony would?

#3 Interactive Movies

Do you ever watch movies and just get so frustrated with the characters' choices? Do you ever watch a movie again and again and somewhere in the back of your mind you hope that things turn out differently then how you know it's going to be? Do you ever read Choose-Your-Own-Adventure books and love it so much that you want to see a film adaptation? Probably not for that last one... but I know I've contemplated how things would have been different if Mufasa had landed on the back of a wildabeast and rode it to safety like a boss. 

So what about this: you go to a theater and there's a nifty little electronic voting device attached to every chair, kind of like an audience poll type thing from Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. At critical points during your feature film, the movie pauses for a moment and gives the audience choices on which they vote, possibly severely altering the course of the plot. For examples:

1. A live T-Rex is assaulting the jeep of two kids. You hate kids, Dr. Grant. You:

A. Run out and light a flare to distract the T-Rex and save those kids you hate.

B. Watch in gorey fascination as the T-Rex enjoys two bite-size snacks.

C. Offer up Jeff Goldblum as a sacrifice.

D. Call the military, duh! Launch a proper investigation on the whole dinosaur breeding project and prevent Jurassic Parks 2 and 3 from happening.

2. Harry Potter sees a stream of spiders leading to a potentially lethal situation. But Hagrid said... You:

A. Follow the spiders.

B. Go get Dumbledore to follow the spiders.

C. Drop out of Hogwarts and became a Muggle businessman using the magic you have already learned to cheat the system and become a millionaire by the time you're 19.

D. Make out with Hermione. 

3. Who wins the battle of Helms deep?:

A. Rohan

B. The Uruk-Kai (however you spell it)

C. Gollum

4. Luke Skywalker is getting shot by lightning from the Emperor.

A. Ok, I give up! Dark side it is.

B. Anakin has another completely unpredictable and out-of-character change of heart.

C. Samuel L. Jackson, who actually survived, comes out of nowhere and saves the day, spawning the new Star Wars series spinoff: Jedi with the Purple Saber.

D. The emperor reveals himself to be George Lucas and stops being evil once Mickey Mouse bribes him into giving up his plotting and scheming. 

Ok, so I understand that production cost of interactive movies would skyrocket. I mean, it would be like making dozens of movies for just one. But imagine the replay value! How often would people revisit the theaters in order to get every possible ending? The critics would be too confused to even give any movie a bad rating! And Nicholas Cage could win EVERYTHING!!

Yeah, some DVD's offer alternate endings to things, but that's as close as it gets. Get on it, world! I wanna see Kevin actually get to eat that macaroni before the bad guys try to invade his home.

The Other Journal

Hey guys, I just scored 100,000 views since I put the view counter on this blog! The Rockets are struggling amidst another nail-biter and I want to think of happier things. So let's celebrate those 100,000 plus with something...
How about this, oh privileged audience: Actual excerpts from my actual journal!
Yeah, for those of you who don't know, in addition to this blog I actual keep a real journal electronically, like Dougie Houser (so 90's). And, I've chronicled nearly every day for the last six years in this journal. Before that, I used to conventionally hand-write the stuff--which I did faithfully from the start of BYU through about 2008 (that includes all of the mission). So, let me boast on my own spiritual rockin-taco-ness for a bit and say--this is one thing that I'm really good at.
In fact, my journal is more entertaining than most novels I read in my opinion, including Harry Potter, Hunger Games, and Dr. Seuss... Ok, that may be a bit exaggerated, especially since life is getting professionally repetitive, but I'll let you decide for yourself once you read some of these outside-of-context direct quotes from my very personal inner thoughts. These are the things my soul is made of, and all from 2013:

"...being the catalyst for other peoples’ relationships is as unheralded as being a 27 year old bachelor. You’re welcome world."

"...what is life if you can’t look forward to your next splurge buy?"

"I spent a large amount of time today thinking about things I hate. I almost just gave in to the notion that today was a bad day and the universe had mandated it to be so for me."

"Eventually, we did what we always do when it comes to my last moments with my parents—play [Ticket to Ride]. Mormons are boring."

"You know who suggested karaoke? I did. What a moron."

"And what do I deserve a treat for? I didn’t go to the temple yet this month… nor do I have a date pending. Maybe to congratulate myself for finishing another anime series, but I should treat myself to a healthy dose of Life for that one… real life. Like talking to people and stuff."

"It’s like that terrible feeling you get right before you hit the call button on your phone that could possibly mean a girl’s surprised greeting on the other line. And then imagine the relief when I firmly decide to procrastinate that moment of near fatal inquiry."

"I swear, the worst parts about dating are the beginning (the phone call) and the end (to hug or not to hug)."

"So… I cooked a lasagna. And started eating that lasagna. I soon realized the terrible situation I had put myself in… who else is gonna help me eat this lasagna?"

"I get separation anxiety with my own pillow. Snark snark…"

"So, what happens when Tuesday night [basketball] dies altogether? I get fat… simple as that."

"People must think I’m really good at stuff when I’m actually just really lucky."

"At institute, [name removed for confidentiality reasons] continued to endanger herself of being asked out. Sitting next to me, playful hitting… things I don’t often experience so I’m likely to blow way out of context…"

"I was spending a lot of time without a shirt in front of these people… I wonder if any of the girls would still interact with me."

"I guess it adds to the weirdness of this week though. A lawyer, an institute teacher, and now a detective… if I really was a criminal, people would be making my hit list."

"Back at home, I made some homemade pizza by myself... and it was disappointing. I failed in recapturing those magic moments defined by birthday dinners back in my childhood wherein Jon looked angstily at the camera and said, “Water.”"

"I am grateful for the trials I experience in this life. Not only does it give me wisdom when facing similar or lesser trials in the future of this life, but it also gives me some celestial cred when I cash in my chips and approach the heavens as one who has lived through at least some hard knocks. How sheepish I would feel to stand amidst the martyrs and persecuted if I coasted through life in supreme hedonism."

"We played some SSB (on the Gamecube) and then a game of Ticket to Ride—really not much of a party, but completely inbounds for Mormon culture."

"Today I realized that all these trials I have experienced over the last few days are probably mostly due to my own negligence. Mostly. Sometimes you have to deal with things simply because you live in a fallen world. The whole interrogation deal, for instance, was totally out of the blue. In fact, it happened as a result of my being nice and amiable."

"I was still really upset at how the most unlikely of circumstances landed me back at my place this weekend and, in the words of Nicholas Cage, completely and utterly alone."

"Is my life constructed simply with obligations, spiritual dues, and whims?"

"Anyways, the depo went seven hours today and I was so gassy I was about to explode. I realized why: my last three meals were frosted mini-wheats, broccoli and chili and macaroni all mixed together, and potato salad with some middle-Eastern oatmeal thrown in there somewhere."

"The kids came home and Andrew spent several hours on [Mario Wii] again, playing the same level over and over because that’s what he does. Eventually I jumped on and proceeded to chuck him off cliffs and stuff as punishment for being so anti-progress. Then I began to evaluate my life..."

"I’ve always thought that I should approach the dating scene with the “what have I got to lose?” mentality, but it’s just never that simple."

"I feel like every relationship is just one miscommunication away from total collapse. Every budding romance is so delicate that the slightest wind of adversity causes it to wilt or causes the ship to sail away."

"That is the mercilessness of the professional world for you. It makes me think of those many times when I was going to interviews in Houston and sitting in those conference rooms and just feeling like I had stepped into a different world—a cruel and unfeeling world where nobody wanted Todd Martin but on an off chance could possibly agree to giving a refined and robotic semblance of Todd Martin a chance to be a part of that world."

"Apparently the witness today was a big deal celebrity. I was not familiar with the guy at all, but I looked him up on Wikipedia and his estimated worth is around 80 million.

Maybe this country should just sell its celebrities to pay off its debt."

"Are all my sports teams going to be monumental disappointments this year? Maybe the Lord is making a whole city suffer through mediocre sports just to teach me a lesson in un-worldliness. Maybe…"

"I watched all of the BYU game as they held their own pretty well but lost to Notre Dame for the umpteenth time in a row. Those Irish and those Utes… why can we not beat nationality specific mascots?"

"I got this weird idea that I should just write everything in MadLibs today… except this journal of course. The sword pro-gram wood knot bee sew hap-pea with at."

"Just for the record, hay rides are on my “Top Five List of most Overrated Social Activities for Grown-Ups” along with bonfires and bowling. You just sit there and ride. Sure, it’s magical for kids and cuddling couples, but the practicality for a single dude like me is just not there."

"I ate a ton of beets tonight. Then I cleaned the kitchen like a boss as they watched their regurgitated Hallmark movies."

"As things went on I couldn’t help but think like Nicholas Cage as he looked through his alternate reality’s wardrobe, “This is just sub-par.” "

"...until it was time to go to the Christmas party.

“What am I going to do to be weird tonight?” That’s usually what goes through my head on such occasions."

"I guess, after all these years, it’s all about the company you keep. Even a bonfire could be fun with the right people—specifically the right moderately good looking women who aren’t so friggin hot that you feel ashamed just to be in their company and they are surrounded by a 24/7 sausage fest and maybe they’re just good looking enough to make the night feel like you’ve made progress in your bachelor life."

"[For Christmas] Everyone got ponies and tablets."

""And the sun rises on the 27 year old sad sack that is Todd Martin in the year 2014. Part of me wonders, “Why couldn’t everything just have ended in 2012 like it was supposed to?” "

So what impression do these excerpts give you?

Perhaps you think now that I'm negative, shallow, narcissistic, whimsical, and utterly devoid of self-confidence? Well, I'm here to tell you that that's the case only about... maybe 10% of the time. Except for the negativity part, which is more like 90% of the time in April and 2% of the time every other month of the year. I firmly believe that happiness is a CHOICE--albeit a choice that is harder to make some days than others. Still, it's a part of our God-given agency, so despite my sarcastic inside jokes with myself I am generally a happy person. I also have complete confidence in every endeavor I face in life* and I am completely conscious of my more toolish and shallow moments, which means I am working to rectify them. So you might say that the things you would assume about me given the above writings--I am like the opposite of those things! I just think they're more fun to write on my blog cause they're more entertaining than the up-beat and fluffy stuff that will make you feel more lousy about your lousy life for not being me. THAT was another narcissistic moment. See, I know I'm not perfect...

Reason to graduate from bachelorhood number 32: Part of me--a tiny part--regrets that 2012 didn't bring about a zombie apocalypse. 

*excepting those pertaining to girls