Beauty and the Beast: A Metaphor

Recently I went and watched a locally done musical called "Beauty and the Beast." It made me think about how long it has been since I've actually watched that Disney movie... and yet I could still sing most of the lyrics in my own head. "No one plots like Gaston, takes cheap shots like Gaston, plans to persecute harmless crack-pots like Gaston!"
Then I realized since I was watching this show as a pseudo-grown up for the first time that the whole thing...
...is a metaphor for LDS YSA life!!
Let me explain.
No it is too long, let me sum up.
First off we have Belle:

"I like to study for fun."

Belle is the most attractive girl in town, but where is her personality? She's all about family and books... so she never really progresses in her social life. Is this a bad thing? Maybe not... but it might just take a life sentence in prison and an enchanted curse to ever get her married. Believe it or not, these kind of girls DO exist. You may see them attending your YSA ward and wonder to yourself, "What are you doing here? How are you still single?!!" But in truth, it's all about priorities. One day she may wake up and think to herself, "Well, maybe I should go get a husband..." and she's got enough depth, ambition, and... well... HOTness that she could get it done in a week just by batting her eyes a little and giving a sly-come-hither stare. 

Then again, all she has to do is show up to attract this sort of guy:

"How would you like some... pest control?"

Here is a man who is absolutely confident in everything in life, especially in how to woo the ladies. In fact, apart from his manly job and/or hobby (notice 'hobby' is singular), getting himself a honey is pretty much the only thing that matters. Since he guzzles protein and plays guitar like Jack Johnson (which Jack Johnson does, right?), he can approach any social situation with the CERTAINTY that the hottest girl in the crowd will inevitably be his girlfriend by the end of the month or week or day or hour. And why should anyone else doubt him? He's probably done it dozens of times before. He's got a great track record of lassoing groupies in every YSA ward he's ever been in, and as soon as he showed his face in your ward, a secret Facebook fan club was formed with his face being the main page. So, again, you may be wondering to yourself, "Why are you still here? How are you still single?!!" Perhaps it's because he is so shallow in his relationships that he never really holds one down--and consequently he doesn't want to. Perhaps it's because he invested all his time on the prettiest girl in the ward (since looks are all that matters) whom he is incapable of forming any connection with. Perhaps it is God's way of protecting His daughters from some severe disappointments. 

Either way, the tools belong in the shed. Have some self respect ladies and be vigilant if you are ever approached by Gaston.

You never know, you might just find a guy like this:

Sure, all that hairiness may take some getting used to. Sure he lives in darkness and obscurity in his parents' basement because he's conscious of all that hairiness. Sure, he never really developed any social skills because he lived in his parents' basement all this time because he was conscious of all that hairiness. So when he finally emerges and some girl is forced onto him--probably by a setup from a third party who would benefit from his graduation from single hopelessness (thus Lumiere, Mrs. Potts and company represent his parents), he may be rude and whiney and even demanding... but rest assured ladies, HE IS MORE SCARED OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF HIM. Like way more scared. I mean, it's ridiculous just how scared this guy is of you. He would probably rather be hunted by wolves that shoot lasers and ride velociraptors than go on a date with you. That being said, if you ever get beyond those first few awkward get-togethers with him and he starts to relax around you, you may find that he's actually very kind and gentle, so much that you could even look past all that hairiness. And then he gains a little confidence in himself as a result of the attention he's getting from a female and starts to care a little about his appearance. Suddenly!!:

Voila!! 10 Cow Husband!

Wow! All the sudden he has some real... face value... :D*

And the rest is happily ever after history.

Notice how Beast and Gaston are on opposite ends of the spectrum. One treats women as property and one treats women like they are completely unattainable. Beast had to find some confidence in himself in order to make the magic happen, so he moved a little toward the middle. What if Gaston had done the same? Belle admitted he was handsome at one point... and then followed it up with "rude and conceited." If he wasn't so full of himself, he probably could have successfully courted Belle. And thus it goes for single dudes. We all need to seek that happy medium between the two spectrums, but most of us either have to man up and gain some confidence or shed some arrogance in order to get there. Here's a high tech display to sum it all up:

The line represents "Self Confidence" and it depreciates as you go from left to right.

The rose is wilting guys. Soon as you're 31... game over!

This also helps clear up the age-old argument of whether it's better to be a nerd or a jock when finding true love. The answer is... no.
Also, one lesson you should NOT take from Beauty and the Beast (or Seven Brides for Seven Brothers): Stockholm syndrome is a good way to get hitched.

And then a girl asked me in real life, "But what about the girls who aren't as pretty as Belle? Where's their happily ever after?" All I can say to that is... watch Mulan. That movie is a metaphor about women knowing their worth even if they're not married right off the bat. 

I think... I think I'm gonna use this as a devotional for FHE someday. 

Reason for graduating from bachelorhood number 28: Everything in life doesn't have to become a metaphor and sad reminder for how hopelessly single you are.

* This may be the first time I've ever used an emoticon ever. Like in my whole life. Therefore, you may expect me to methodically continue to use this particular emoticon as a sort of punctuation denoting a pun that I'm particularly proud of.

Happy Fourth of July.

Emphasis on how I put a period instead of an exclamation. By the way, since when did we all start calling it the Fourth instead of Independence Day? Did that 90's movie get the copyright?

I belong in the air!

Or is it that some people out there don't want to celebrate the birth of the country?

Yes, I was feeling kind of unpatriotic this year. Between taxes and that moral disease called 'progressivism' that has run so rampant across this country that it even found its way into my church, I begin to wonder if this country is the same one that the founding fathers fought for and established. I could write whole essays on these issues, particularly the latter and why I call it a "moral disease," but I promised not to get too political on this blog because I failed to vote at the last presidential election. Regardless, I still love America and think it's the best the world has to offer (mainly for theological reasons) and I'm still incredibly grateful that I can enjoy the Restored Gospel without repercussion. Here's to you America! May the future guide you more on the road of what you once were and less on the road of what you are actually becoming.

So apart from hearing the numerous pops outside of my apartment as I worked on the company database, I didn't experience any fireworks. Without family, I think I'd have to go to some over-crowded public event and sit (if I'm lucky) on the grass and sweat for a show of pyromantics. Is that a word? Pyromantics? Or maybe that's just a romantic pirate... snicker. Anyways, the firework show would be cool and all, but a lot of the magic of the whole concept just isn't there. It'd be much more magical if I was setting them off myself, but that would mean I'd have spent money--probably illegally--on something that lasts for just one go and isn't food. Instead I'd have to find friends and parking and bug repellent and Tylenol for watching something that I've basically already seen numerous times.

How did I celebrate the Fourth then? I did give reason to celebrate it after all... Well, in case I haven't already given it away by the general tone and that odd question right after the first Pullman pic, I celebrated by watching "America; Imagine a World Without Her." It's a documentary by Dinesh D'Souza, in case you're familiar with "2016: Obama's America". It both scared the daylights out of me and restored my patriotism for this year. Weird. Time and money well spent, nonetheless. I recommend it to conservatives everywhere.

Happy Independence Day America!!! Football.

What is President Pullman saying here? Put the caption in the comments.

Also

"The water makes the rocks darker!"

Reason for graduating from bachelorhood number 1776: Firework shows are more fun with someone to cuddle with... wait, really? In July? Sweaty... gross.

In that Old Violin

I apologize in advance. Normally, readers come to this blog for light-hearted giggles and... whatnot (really, I have no better word to describe this blog than "whatnot"). However, every now and then you get a post that's a bit more heavy... something a bit more what it is NOT instead of whatnot. Know what I mean? 

This is one of those posts.

Sometimes I will find a song that I immediately develop a deep, spiritual connection with. I'm not just talking about Motab here; in fact it may happen just as much with "secular" songs as it does with "spiritual" songs. This particular secular song:

Regardless of whatever message--if indeed there is a message--that Amos Lee wanted to put forth in this particular song, this is the message I got (and it's kind of meta):

Amidst the financial, social, and spiritual struggles of life, it really helps to just reconnect with divinity. Here we get a song about a man who faces the selfishness of the world every day and manages to do just that (reconnecting with God) through the simplest of means: an old violin. Whether this violin holds memories of a simpler time or it provides a talented musician with an emotional outlet that puts everything back in perspective, he doesn't say. For me, it doesn't matter. I have my own "old violins" when I face bills, seemingly unpayable debts, loneliness, family distress, hitting my funny bone on things, etc. The piano is an emotional outlet for me almost as much as writing in my journal is. Unfortunately, it didn't become such until late in my highschool years so I never got really good at it. I still have other music that can reconnect me to my God, even songs like this one here, so this song becomes itself an "old violin" for me. It's not the only one, of course. I can remember many such tumultuous points in my life where my soul rises from despair (whatever relative tumult and despair I have faced) through a seemingly miraculous blend of lyric and melody. Additionally, even without getting me through hard times music has played an integral part in building who I am. I truly believe that the Spirit has built every good aspect there is about Todd Martin, from whatever acts of compassion and diligence I have occasionally done to having the wits and creativity to type up inane posts about nothing and everything at once. Music like this strengthens my connection to that Spirit.

I always thought that if you want to take a look into someone's soul, go through their iTunes playlist or their CD case. If those randumb excerpts from my journal weren't enough, here's another peak for all you readers.

Gross. Enough of wading in the kiddie pool of the soul of the man of little consequence. Let's get back to silliness!

Chinese Pizza

One of my friends from college used to try to recruit me to his business meetings for business stuff. He claimed that I was one of the most creative people he knew. To this day, I'm not sure what he based that presumption off of besides the fact that he enjoyed the Book of the Man of Little Consequence... but I do have ideas. Sure, these ideas are kind of big and impractical, and somebody has probably already had them somewhere, and I've probably already mentioned them before, but here you go:

#1: Chinese Pizza
Everybody knows that when you mix two nationalities into one restaurant, the result is always unique and wildly successful!... I mean, look at Taco Bell. It's a successful chain based off of both Mexico and I think Mordor. And I luuuuurve me some Toxic Bell!
So here's my contribution to the world of international food cross-overs: It looks just like a pizza, but you take a bite and supplies your taste-buds with a fiesta of Asian persuasion! Instead of cheese, you get rice. Instead of tomato sauce, you get sweet and sour sauce. Instead of pepperoni, it's orange chicken! Instead of bread dough, you get wanton... and perchance even stuffed crust wanton with crab cheese! Choose from any list of toppings like broccoli, cabbage, noodles, tofu, radish, fortune cookies, and all kinds of chicken, pork, beef, and dog.
And the best part is that when it's delivered, on top of the stack of boxes is a cardboard Eastern-style roof gable like the ones you associate with samurai and ninja. I don't think I'm describing this well, so I'll put a picture of something in the neighborhood of what my imagination is cooking up:

Instead of housing, those will be pizza boxes, and probably much smaller without the weird thingy on top

So there. I think the big sell on this one would be that you can enjoy a Chinese meal and not be ashamed about being really bad at using chop sticks, which I'm pretty sure most Amelicans suffer with. You just eat it like it's pizza. Get to it, world. I want one by the end of the year.

#2 The Man Factory

This is an outlet store hybrid of sorts. No, it doesn't produce actual men but stuff FOR men. It mainly deals in power tools and bacon. It also has TV's that play Anchor Man and Major Payne 24/7, punctuated by episodes of NCIS (because Gibbs is the Uber man) and Sports Center.

Yes, there may be many who walk into the place looking for dirty mags or other such objectifications of women, but the Man Factory will have no such thing. I personally think such material is the opposite of manliness. Go get a family and take care of them, THAT's manly. Maybe Anchor Man isn't the best for this kind of theme after all...

And yes, I'm not one to talk about having a family and taking care of them. I never claimed to be the paradigm of manliness myself. What kind of brony would?

#3 Interactive Movies

Do you ever watch movies and just get so frustrated with the characters' choices? Do you ever watch a movie again and again and somewhere in the back of your mind you hope that things turn out differently then how you know it's going to be? Do you ever read Choose-Your-Own-Adventure books and love it so much that you want to see a film adaptation? Probably not for that last one... but I know I've contemplated how things would have been different if Mufasa had landed on the back of a wildabeast and rode it to safety like a boss. 

So what about this: you go to a theater and there's a nifty little electronic voting device attached to every chair, kind of like an audience poll type thing from Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. At critical points during your feature film, the movie pauses for a moment and gives the audience choices on which they vote, possibly severely altering the course of the plot. For examples:

1. A live T-Rex is assaulting the jeep of two kids. You hate kids, Dr. Grant. You:

A. Run out and light a flare to distract the T-Rex and save those kids you hate.

B. Watch in gorey fascination as the T-Rex enjoys two bite-size snacks.

C. Offer up Jeff Goldblum as a sacrifice.

D. Call the military, duh! Launch a proper investigation on the whole dinosaur breeding project and prevent Jurassic Parks 2 and 3 from happening.

2. Harry Potter sees a stream of spiders leading to a potentially lethal situation. But Hagrid said... You:

A. Follow the spiders.

B. Go get Dumbledore to follow the spiders.

C. Drop out of Hogwarts and became a Muggle businessman using the magic you have already learned to cheat the system and become a millionaire by the time you're 19.

D. Make out with Hermione. 

3. Who wins the battle of Helms deep?:

A. Rohan

B. The Uruk-Kai (however you spell it)

C. Gollum

4. Luke Skywalker is getting shot by lightning from the Emperor.

A. Ok, I give up! Dark side it is.

B. Anakin has another completely unpredictable and out-of-character change of heart.

C. Samuel L. Jackson, who actually survived, comes out of nowhere and saves the day, spawning the new Star Wars series spinoff: Jedi with the Purple Saber.

D. The emperor reveals himself to be George Lucas and stops being evil once Mickey Mouse bribes him into giving up his plotting and scheming. 

Ok, so I understand that production cost of interactive movies would skyrocket. I mean, it would be like making dozens of movies for just one. But imagine the replay value! How often would people revisit the theaters in order to get every possible ending? The critics would be too confused to even give any movie a bad rating! And Nicholas Cage could win EVERYTHING!!

Yeah, some DVD's offer alternate endings to things, but that's as close as it gets. Get on it, world! I wanna see Kevin actually get to eat that macaroni before the bad guys try to invade his home.

The Other Journal

Hey guys, I just scored 100,000 views since I put the view counter on this blog! The Rockets are struggling amidst another nail-biter and I want to think of happier things. So let's celebrate those 100,000 plus with something...
How about this, oh privileged audience: Actual excerpts from my actual journal!
Yeah, for those of you who don't know, in addition to this blog I actual keep a real journal electronically, like Dougie Houser (so 90's). And, I've chronicled nearly every day for the last six years in this journal. Before that, I used to conventionally hand-write the stuff--which I did faithfully from the start of BYU through about 2008 (that includes all of the mission). So, let me boast on my own spiritual rockin-taco-ness for a bit and say--this is one thing that I'm really good at.
In fact, my journal is more entertaining than most novels I read in my opinion, including Harry Potter, Hunger Games, and Dr. Seuss... Ok, that may be a bit exaggerated, especially since life is getting professionally repetitive, but I'll let you decide for yourself once you read some of these outside-of-context direct quotes from my very personal inner thoughts. These are the things my soul is made of, and all from 2013:

"...being the catalyst for other peoples’ relationships is as unheralded as being a 27 year old bachelor. You’re welcome world."

"...what is life if you can’t look forward to your next splurge buy?"

"I spent a large amount of time today thinking about things I hate. I almost just gave in to the notion that today was a bad day and the universe had mandated it to be so for me."

"Eventually, we did what we always do when it comes to my last moments with my parents—play [Ticket to Ride]. Mormons are boring."

"You know who suggested karaoke? I did. What a moron."

"And what do I deserve a treat for? I didn’t go to the temple yet this month… nor do I have a date pending. Maybe to congratulate myself for finishing another anime series, but I should treat myself to a healthy dose of Life for that one… real life. Like talking to people and stuff."

"It’s like that terrible feeling you get right before you hit the call button on your phone that could possibly mean a girl’s surprised greeting on the other line. And then imagine the relief when I firmly decide to procrastinate that moment of near fatal inquiry."

"I swear, the worst parts about dating are the beginning (the phone call) and the end (to hug or not to hug)."

"So… I cooked a lasagna. And started eating that lasagna. I soon realized the terrible situation I had put myself in… who else is gonna help me eat this lasagna?"

"I get separation anxiety with my own pillow. Snark snark…"

"So, what happens when Tuesday night [basketball] dies altogether? I get fat… simple as that."

"People must think I’m really good at stuff when I’m actually just really lucky."

"At institute, [name removed for confidentiality reasons] continued to endanger herself of being asked out. Sitting next to me, playful hitting… things I don’t often experience so I’m likely to blow way out of context…"

"I was spending a lot of time without a shirt in front of these people… I wonder if any of the girls would still interact with me."

"I guess it adds to the weirdness of this week though. A lawyer, an institute teacher, and now a detective… if I really was a criminal, people would be making my hit list."

"Back at home, I made some homemade pizza by myself... and it was disappointing. I failed in recapturing those magic moments defined by birthday dinners back in my childhood wherein Jon looked angstily at the camera and said, “Water.”"

"I am grateful for the trials I experience in this life. Not only does it give me wisdom when facing similar or lesser trials in the future of this life, but it also gives me some celestial cred when I cash in my chips and approach the heavens as one who has lived through at least some hard knocks. How sheepish I would feel to stand amidst the martyrs and persecuted if I coasted through life in supreme hedonism."

"We played some SSB (on the Gamecube) and then a game of Ticket to Ride—really not much of a party, but completely inbounds for Mormon culture."

"Today I realized that all these trials I have experienced over the last few days are probably mostly due to my own negligence. Mostly. Sometimes you have to deal with things simply because you live in a fallen world. The whole interrogation deal, for instance, was totally out of the blue. In fact, it happened as a result of my being nice and amiable."

"I was still really upset at how the most unlikely of circumstances landed me back at my place this weekend and, in the words of Nicholas Cage, completely and utterly alone."

"Is my life constructed simply with obligations, spiritual dues, and whims?"

"Anyways, the depo went seven hours today and I was so gassy I was about to explode. I realized why: my last three meals were frosted mini-wheats, broccoli and chili and macaroni all mixed together, and potato salad with some middle-Eastern oatmeal thrown in there somewhere."

"The kids came home and Andrew spent several hours on [Mario Wii] again, playing the same level over and over because that’s what he does. Eventually I jumped on and proceeded to chuck him off cliffs and stuff as punishment for being so anti-progress. Then I began to evaluate my life..."

"I’ve always thought that I should approach the dating scene with the “what have I got to lose?” mentality, but it’s just never that simple."

"I feel like every relationship is just one miscommunication away from total collapse. Every budding romance is so delicate that the slightest wind of adversity causes it to wilt or causes the ship to sail away."

"That is the mercilessness of the professional world for you. It makes me think of those many times when I was going to interviews in Houston and sitting in those conference rooms and just feeling like I had stepped into a different world—a cruel and unfeeling world where nobody wanted Todd Martin but on an off chance could possibly agree to giving a refined and robotic semblance of Todd Martin a chance to be a part of that world."

"Apparently the witness today was a big deal celebrity. I was not familiar with the guy at all, but I looked him up on Wikipedia and his estimated worth is around 80 million.

Maybe this country should just sell its celebrities to pay off its debt."

"Are all my sports teams going to be monumental disappointments this year? Maybe the Lord is making a whole city suffer through mediocre sports just to teach me a lesson in un-worldliness. Maybe…"

"I watched all of the BYU game as they held their own pretty well but lost to Notre Dame for the umpteenth time in a row. Those Irish and those Utes… why can we not beat nationality specific mascots?"

"I got this weird idea that I should just write everything in MadLibs today… except this journal of course. The sword pro-gram wood knot bee sew hap-pea with at."

"Just for the record, hay rides are on my “Top Five List of most Overrated Social Activities for Grown-Ups” along with bonfires and bowling. You just sit there and ride. Sure, it’s magical for kids and cuddling couples, but the practicality for a single dude like me is just not there."

"I ate a ton of beets tonight. Then I cleaned the kitchen like a boss as they watched their regurgitated Hallmark movies."

"As things went on I couldn’t help but think like Nicholas Cage as he looked through his alternate reality’s wardrobe, “This is just sub-par.” "

"...until it was time to go to the Christmas party.

“What am I going to do to be weird tonight?” That’s usually what goes through my head on such occasions."

"I guess, after all these years, it’s all about the company you keep. Even a bonfire could be fun with the right people—specifically the right moderately good looking women who aren’t so friggin hot that you feel ashamed just to be in their company and they are surrounded by a 24/7 sausage fest and maybe they’re just good looking enough to make the night feel like you’ve made progress in your bachelor life."

"[For Christmas] Everyone got ponies and tablets."

""And the sun rises on the 27 year old sad sack that is Todd Martin in the year 2014. Part of me wonders, “Why couldn’t everything just have ended in 2012 like it was supposed to?” "

So what impression do these excerpts give you?

Perhaps you think now that I'm negative, shallow, narcissistic, whimsical, and utterly devoid of self-confidence? Well, I'm here to tell you that that's the case only about... maybe 10% of the time. Except for the negativity part, which is more like 90% of the time in April and 2% of the time every other month of the year. I firmly believe that happiness is a CHOICE--albeit a choice that is harder to make some days than others. Still, it's a part of our God-given agency, so despite my sarcastic inside jokes with myself I am generally a happy person. I also have complete confidence in every endeavor I face in life* and I am completely conscious of my more toolish and shallow moments, which means I am working to rectify them. So you might say that the things you would assume about me given the above writings--I am like the opposite of those things! I just think they're more fun to write on my blog cause they're more entertaining than the up-beat and fluffy stuff that will make you feel more lousy about your lousy life for not being me. THAT was another narcissistic moment. See, I know I'm not perfect...

Reason to graduate from bachelorhood number 32: Part of me--a tiny part--regrets that 2012 didn't bring about a zombie apocalypse. 

*excepting those pertaining to girls

Batlanta

This past weekend, I tried to do this punny thing with an overly-friendly lady at some corner cafe in Cleveland, GA. She came out of nowhere and started talking to my friends and I about how her son had just won two baseball games and was all giddy and huggy about it (again, we were complete strangers to her just moments before--gotta love the south). So I says to her, "Maybe you should enjoy some... BUNT... cake?" Cause in baseball you can do this thing called "bunting"...
It was such a bad joke that nobody even noticed it was a joke. Kind of like the title of this post...
So here comes another sports rant. One thing that I don't enjoy so much about Atlanta is that within my social circle of locals here, I got nobody to talk NBA with! This can be somewhat painful as the Rockets are having one of their most exciting seasons since Olajuwon and my Houston NBA team is on my top ten favorite things right now--right up there with MLP and anime. Of course we want to talk to people about our top ten favorite things in life, right? But I'll tell you this... even after the Hawks just scored a huge post-season victory on the road against the 1 seeded Pacers, I will go to church tomorrow and people will be like, "Who is Jeff Teague?" Maybe Bill Simmons was right in saying that this city (along with Charlotte and Memphis--two other teams that are in the post-season) never had the fanbase to support a basketball team. I mean, they LOVE their Braves and their Falcons (depending on the season) but could care less about Paul Milsap and Al Horford. I am going to test this theory at church today--I'm betting I will know more Hawks players than every single Atlanta native that I talk to at church. Heck, the three I mentioned in this post might be enough as it is.
On a related note, I'm not talking too much about the Rockets so as to not jinx them.
On an unrelated note, I just mentioned sports and ponies in the same post. Hashtag manliness.

Reason to graduate from bachelorhood number eighteen: Your list of top ten favorite things in life is largely dominated by cartoons, sports, and video games. Hoping to one day replace some of those with names of children. Just hoping, not promising anything mom and dad...

Speaking as Future NBA Commissioner

I feel like there has been a lot of stink about tanking lately in the NBA. A particularly lucrative draft pool can do this to a season, and this year has quite the selection. As such, it flares up a host of reactions to the deliberate losing of professional sports players.
Being a Houston fan, I really can't even remember the last time the Rockets were tanking. I guess I didn't pay a whole lot of attention to the team when Steve Franchise was the titular face of the franchise--that awkward post-Olajuwon and pre-Yao period--but Yao took us regularly to the playoffs, and even after his injuries and retirement we still finished like ninth or so... which is a very unrewarding position.
Notice how many times I put "us" and "we" in this post as if I am part of this team.
Anyways, now the Rockets are contending stronger than ever since the glory days of Olajuwon (in my opinion; nothing becomes fact until the post-season), but their success is a little marred by all these "gimme" games, i.e. games against tanking teams. What is special about a win if you're the only team that wants to win in the contest?
The NBA as a whole should take some notice as to how these tanking teams are damaging the product. Imagine how season ticket holders of Lakers and Jazz games feel right now... or Celtics or Bucks or Kings or Sixers etc. etc. etc. As such, sportswriters have voiced their opinions about how to fix this bug, the most prominent one being "the wheel" draft, but I have my own idea:
Why not attack the pride of an organization? Why not hit the individual players' egos? You know they got 'em. How do we do that?
How about after the All-Star break, give the bottom six teams a name change. They have to officially change the team's name until they no longer have one of the six worst records. What would their name changes be? I'll demonstrate with the current bottom six teams:

1. Boo-ston Sell-Outics. (I understand this could be interpreted as a positive thing, so I'm open to suggestions here)
2. Lose Angeles Fakers (I also considered Loss Angeles, but it has no phonetic punch)
3. Utah Funk, or maybe Utah Gordon-Hayward-is-our-best-player? Jazz
4. Orlando Muggles... wait, this would be a better name for Washington, but they're actually in playoff contention. Poorlando Tragic?
5. Smelladelphia #'ers (where the # equals the numbers of wins they have. At the time I wrote this post, they would be the 15ers)
6. Mil-whacky Sucks, or Mil-whakcy Does.

and for an honorable mention, the Suckramento Queens.

What about tanking for other sports, you ask? Well, I only thought of one for the NFL and here it is:

The Houston Mexicans

Oops. That was racist. I'm a go repent now.