Hey guys, I just scored 100,000 views since I put the view counter on this blog! The Rockets are struggling amidst another nail-biter and I want to think of happier things. So let's celebrate those 100,000 plus with something...
How about this, oh privileged audience: Actual excerpts from my actual journal!
Yeah, for those of you who don't know, in addition to this blog I actual keep a real journal electronically, like Dougie Houser (so 90's). And, I've chronicled nearly every day for the last six years in this journal. Before that, I used to conventionally hand-write the stuff--which I did faithfully from the start of BYU through about 2008 (that includes all of the mission). So, let me boast on my own spiritual rockin-taco-ness for a bit and say--this is one thing that I'm really good at.
In fact, my journal is more entertaining than most novels I read in my opinion, including Harry Potter, Hunger Games, and Dr. Seuss... Ok, that may be a bit exaggerated, especially since life is getting professionally repetitive, but I'll let you decide for yourself once you read some of these outside-of-context direct quotes from my very personal inner thoughts. These are the things my soul is made of, and all from 2013:
"...being the catalyst for other peoples’ relationships is
as unheralded as being a 27 year old bachelor. You’re welcome world."
"...what is life if you can’t look forward to your next
splurge buy?"
"I spent a large amount of time today thinking about
things I hate. I almost just gave in to the notion that today was a bad day and
the universe had mandated it to be so for me."
"Eventually, we did what we always do when it comes to
my last moments with my parents—play [Ticket to Ride]. Mormons are boring."
"You know who suggested karaoke? I did.
What a moron."
"And what do I deserve a treat for? I
didn’t go to the temple yet this month… nor do I have a date pending. Maybe to
congratulate myself for finishing another anime series, but I should treat
myself to a healthy dose of Life for that one… real life. Like talking to
people and stuff."
"It’s like that terrible feeling you get right before
you hit the call button on your phone that could possibly mean a girl’s
surprised greeting on the other line. And then imagine the relief when I firmly
decide to procrastinate that moment of near fatal inquiry."
"I swear, the worst parts about dating are the
beginning (the phone call) and the end (to hug or not to hug)."
"So… I cooked a lasagna. And started eating that
lasagna. I soon realized the terrible situation I had put myself in… who else is
gonna help me eat this lasagna?"
"I get separation anxiety with my own pillow. Snark
snark…"
"So, what happens when Tuesday night [basketball] dies altogether? I get fat… simple as that."
"People must think I’m really good at stuff when I’m
actually just really lucky."
"At institute, [name removed for confidentiality reasons] continued to endanger
herself of being asked out. Sitting next to me, playful hitting… things I don’t
often experience so I’m likely to blow way out of context…"
"I was spending a lot of time without a shirt in
front of these people… I wonder if any of the girls would still interact with
me."
"I guess it adds to the weirdness of this week
though. A lawyer, an institute teacher, and now a detective… if I really was a
criminal, people would be making my hit list."
"Back at home, I made some homemade
pizza by myself... and it was
disappointing. I failed in recapturing those magic moments defined by birthday
dinners back in my childhood wherein Jon looked angstily at the camera and
said, “Water.”"
"I am grateful for the trials I
experience in this life. Not only does it give me wisdom when facing similar or
lesser trials in the future of this life, but it also gives me some celestial
cred when I cash in my chips and approach the heavens as one who has lived through
at least some hard knocks. How sheepish I would feel to stand amidst the
martyrs and persecuted if I coasted through life in supreme hedonism."
"We played some SSB (on the Gamecube) and then a game
of Ticket to Ride—really not much of a party, but completely inbounds for
Mormon culture."
"Today I realized that all these trials I have
experienced over the last few days are probably mostly due to my own negligence.
Mostly. Sometimes you have to deal with things simply because you live in a
fallen world. The whole interrogation deal, for instance, was totally out of
the blue. In fact, it happened as a result of my being nice and amiable."
"I was still really upset at how the most unlikely of
circumstances landed me back at my place this weekend and, in the words of
Nicholas Cage, completely and utterly alone."
"Is my life constructed simply with obligations,
spiritual dues, and whims?"
"Anyways, the depo went seven hours
today and I was so gassy I was about to explode. I realized why: my last three
meals were frosted mini-wheats, broccoli and chili and macaroni all mixed
together, and potato salad with some middle-Eastern oatmeal thrown in there
somewhere."
"The kids came home and Andrew spent several hours on [Mario Wii] again, playing the same level over and over because that’s what he does.
Eventually I jumped on and proceeded to chuck him off cliffs and stuff as
punishment for being so anti-progress. Then I began to evaluate my life..."
"I’ve always thought that I should approach the dating
scene with the “what have I got to lose?” mentality, but it’s just never that
simple."
"I feel like every relationship is just one
miscommunication away from total collapse. Every budding romance is so delicate
that the slightest wind of adversity causes it to wilt or causes the ship to
sail away."
"That is the mercilessness of the professional world
for you. It makes me think of those many times when I was going to interviews
in Houston and sitting in those conference rooms and just feeling like I had
stepped into a different world—a cruel and unfeeling world where nobody wanted
Todd Martin but on an off chance could possibly agree to giving a refined and
robotic semblance of Todd Martin a chance to be a part of that world."
"Apparently the witness today was a big
deal celebrity. I was not familiar with the guy at all, but I looked him up on
Wikipedia and his estimated worth is around 80 million.
Maybe this country should just sell its
celebrities to pay off its debt."
"Are all my sports teams going to be monumental
disappointments this year? Maybe the Lord is making a whole city suffer through
mediocre sports just to teach me a lesson in un-worldliness. Maybe…"
"I watched all of the BYU game as they held their own
pretty well but lost to Notre Dame for the umpteenth time in a row. Those Irish
and those Utes… why can we not beat nationality specific mascots?"
"I got this weird idea that I should just write
everything in MadLibs today… except this journal of course. The sword pro-gram
wood knot bee sew hap-pea with at."
"Just for the record, hay rides are on my “Top Five
List of most Overrated Social Activities for Grown-Ups” along with bonfires and
bowling. You just sit there and ride. Sure, it’s magical for kids and cuddling
couples, but the practicality for a single dude like me is just not there."
"I ate a ton of beets tonight. Then I cleaned the
kitchen like a boss as they watched their regurgitated Hallmark movies."
"As things went on I couldn’t help but think like
Nicholas Cage as he looked through his alternate reality’s wardrobe, “This is
just sub-par.” "
"...until it was time to go to the
Christmas party.
“What
am I going to do to be weird tonight?” That’s usually what goes through my head
on such occasions."
"I guess, after all these years, it’s all about the
company you keep. Even a bonfire could be fun with the right
people—specifically the right moderately good looking women who aren’t so
friggin hot that you feel ashamed just to be in their company and they are
surrounded by a 24/7 sausage fest and maybe they’re just good looking enough to
make the night feel like you’ve made progress in your bachelor life."
"[For Christmas] Everyone got ponies and tablets."
""And the sun rises on the 27 year old sad sack that is
Todd Martin in the year 2014. Part of me wonders, “Why couldn’t everything just
have ended in 2012 like it was supposed to?” "
So what impression do these excerpts give you?
Perhaps you think now that I'm negative, shallow, narcissistic, whimsical, and utterly devoid of self-confidence? Well, I'm here to tell you that that's the case only about... maybe 10% of the time. Except for the negativity part, which is more like 90% of the time in April and 2% of the time every other month of the year. I firmly believe that happiness is a CHOICE--albeit a choice that is harder to make some days than others. Still, it's a part of our God-given agency, so despite my sarcastic inside jokes with myself I am generally a happy person. I also have complete confidence in every endeavor I face in life* and I am completely conscious of my more toolish and shallow moments, which means I am working to rectify them. So you might say that the things you would assume about me given the above writings--I am like the opposite of those things! I just think they're more fun to write on my blog cause they're more entertaining than the up-beat and fluffy stuff that will make you feel more lousy about your lousy life for not being me. THAT was another narcissistic moment. See, I know I'm not perfect...
Reason to graduate from bachelorhood number 32: Part of me--a tiny part--regrets that 2012 didn't bring about a zombie apocalypse.
*excepting those pertaining to girls
*excepting those pertaining to girls
