Another Game Show Thing!

Time for me to flaunt my talents as an obscure movie quote rememberer... Holiday Style!
NAME THAT CHRISTMAS MOVIE!

1. "Then I'm going to spend four hours skiing alone. Completely and utterly alone."
2. "I don't pay extra for the warmth you know." "You should, it's the only warmth he ever had."
3. "This is a very interesting situation!"
4. "Do you like kids?" "On a case-by-case basis."
5. "It's turbo time!"
6. "That was the speech?" "It was dumb!" "It was obvious!" "It was pointless!" "It was short..." "I LOVED IT!"
7. "How are you doing?" "Mutual I'm sure."
8. "Because Santa is watching Saturated Fats!"
9. "Forget it. We'll get a funnel cake. It will be the highlight of my week!"
10. "Is it taaaastey? Is it scruuuuuuumptious?"
11. "Look what you did you little jerk."
12. "Hoity toity Mr. god-like smarty pants!"
13. "Wanna pick some snowberries?" "Not now Arctic Puffin!"
14. "You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant!"
15. "It's the first season of Lost on DVD." "That's the meaning of Christmas?" "It's a metaphor. It represents lack of payoff."
16. "Everyone stay perfectly sincere. Humbugs are attracted to sarcasm."
17. "There's children throwing snowballs instead of throwing heads! They're busy building toys and absolutely no one's dead!"
18. "Ceaser Romero is not Spanish." "I didn't say Ceaser Romero was Spanish." "Well what did you say?" "I said Ceaser Romero was tall."
19. "Every family has a kid who doesn't eat. My kid brother hadn't eaten voluntarily in over three years."
20. "Later Dudenator!"

Why I Can't Write Love Stories

"Hey Todd! Why don't you write a love story, since you're so knowledgeable on the subject?"
Said no one ever.
Well guess what, randumb imaginary fan... I can't because my love is like the love of a Jedi: it's so deep and profound that I'll probably wander the universe completely alone for the rest of my life. So, akin to the reason I can't ever invent children's games, I simply can't in consideration of other peoples' souls. I mean, if I wrote a sappy love story, the critics would say things like:

"Oh man, I feel like I just got punched right in the feels! Sixty-eight times!"

"Am I done reading yet? I can't see through all the tears."

"After reading that story, my love life feels like a dried up dishrag with boogers on it."

"I think I forgot the meaning of life. Where's my gun?"

"If Stephanie Meyer and Nicholas Sparks had a baby and made Jack Weyland the godfather, this story would still be ten times sadder than that baby."

"I want to hug all the people in the world, which is weird because I'm Satan."

And then, everyone would have to reinvent their acronyms and replace all their "l"s with "c"s. Like COL (crying out loud), ROFC (rolling on the floor crying), YOCO (you only cry once), cmao (crying my... yeah you get the point). 

And then all the macho dudes on the earth would have to accept their more sensitive side on such a grand and universal scale that bronies would become the new paradigm of manliness.
So that's why I will never write a story about love or whatnot. Peeps need their balance in life!

Reason to stay a bachelor for life number 11: The man of little consequence remains so, much to the delight of his audience!

Things That Really Irk Me!

It's December, so it's time to write about something that really irks me. "Since when do you write about things that irk you in December?" you ask? Shut up.

Today I want to talk about the newest Kia Soul commercial. It REALLY irks me!
Those friggin hamsters have always been creepy and annoying to me. First of all, they're giant rodents! Not all that different from rats, really. Secondly, I hate to break it to them, but you can't solve the worlds problems by driving around and dressing all gangsta and having rave parties. You'd probably make the world worse actually.
The most recent depiction of these life-size dancing balls of fuzzy disease REALLY gets me! Yes, it irks me so much that I want to not-so-randumbly vandalize every Kia Soul I ever see and NEVER buy one in my whole life! Way to go ad wizards, this one really backfired. I mean, they slimmed down the hamsters which made them even CREEPIER with their disproportionate heads and bodies and then gave them a giant splash of tool, haircuts and everything. I mean, it's like taking something creepier than the Furby and Muppet ghost of Christmas past combined and dragging it through a sea of d**che (pardon my french) and poisoning ESPN with it! Curse you Kia Soul for ruining my Christmas Spirit!

In essence:

Plus

Equals

Plus

Puts you in the neighborhood of:

Which is in the Top Ten Worst Things of 2013 According to Todd Martin Who Happens to Be a Guy Who Knows About Things.

Reason to remain a bachelor for life number 25: One of the worst things you experienced this year was a really annoying commercial.

...Which is also consequently reason number 25 to graduate from bachelorhood. Sigh...