Why I Can't Write Love Stories

"Hey Todd! Why don't you write a love story, since you're so knowledgeable on the subject?"
Said no one ever.
Well guess what, randumb imaginary fan... I can't because my love is like the love of a Jedi: it's so deep and profound that I'll probably wander the universe completely alone for the rest of my life. So, akin to the reason I can't ever invent children's games, I simply can't in consideration of other peoples' souls. I mean, if I wrote a sappy love story, the critics would say things like:

"Oh man, I feel like I just got punched right in the feels! Sixty-eight times!"

"Am I done reading yet? I can't see through all the tears."

"After reading that story, my love life feels like a dried up dishrag with boogers on it."

"I think I forgot the meaning of life. Where's my gun?"

"If Stephanie Meyer and Nicholas Sparks had a baby and made Jack Weyland the godfather, this story would still be ten times sadder than that baby."

"I want to hug all the people in the world, which is weird because I'm Satan."

And then, everyone would have to reinvent their acronyms and replace all their "l"s with "c"s. Like COL (crying out loud), ROFC (rolling on the floor crying), YOCO (you only cry once), cmao (crying my... yeah you get the point). 

And then all the macho dudes on the earth would have to accept their more sensitive side on such a grand and universal scale that bronies would become the new paradigm of manliness.
So that's why I will never write a story about love or whatnot. Peeps need their balance in life!

Reason to stay a bachelor for life number 11: The man of little consequence remains so, much to the delight of his audience!