Guessed by the Akinator

Oh yeah, the Answers to the Game Show

Here's the answers:

1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (from like the 90's)

2. Oscar (Tim Curry quote of course)

3. Ferngully (Batty, voiced by Robin Williams. I am still amazed by how much we used to quote this one back in the days of Nam)

4. Batman and Robin (Chris O'Donnel and George Clooney. I know, the Arnold Freeze quotes would have been so much better, but way too easy)

5. Cat's Don't Dance (Such an underrated movie)

6. Galaxy Quest ("Cerrus, what about my people!")

7. The Great Muppet Caper (not Treasure Island. Fooled all of you!)

8. Balto (surprisingly didn't fool any of you)

9. Blazing Saddles (one of my all time favorite western moments)

10. 101 Dalmations (It's Disney, but the older type stuff)

11. Ever After (I can quote chick flicks too. Impressed?)

12. Maverick (one of my all time favorite western movies)

13. Scooby-Doo (Shaggy fessing up to what we suspected all along)

14. Tarzan (I got this one from a co-worker the other day. He was quoting this part of the movie, which pretty much inspired this post and my future career as a game show host)

15. Casper (Eric Idle, pardon his french)

16. Space Jam (Why does everyone love this movie so much!? Is it because Shawn Bradley was named one of the best players in the world?)

17. Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey (I don't think anyone has even thought of this movie since I was in second grade)

18. 8 Crazy Nights (I may be the only person in the world who has seen this, so this should have been a bonus question. Sorry)

19. Prince of Egypt (I used to quote this all the time on the mission when I rode my bike on the elevated sidewalk, and they were on the road. I don't think they got it either)

20. The Last Unicorn! (I don't think I've seen this in like a hundred years, but for some reason, I'll never forget how creepy this show is)

So far, Laurel submitted the most correct answers with like, seven. Everbody else got four or less... come on people! What's the point of me having this talent if I don't have any competition?

Beware the Ides of June!

Some strange things have been happening lately. Ill omens haunt my every step.
Last week, I was at Helaman Halls waiting for some kids to get done with volleyball so my roommate and I could take the courts with a bunch of friends. All of the sudden, a huge fire springs up next to the pavilion. We were all asking ourselves, "Is there supposed to be a fire there?" I think our question was answered when a fire truck showed up five minutes later after the players had thrown enough sand on the inferno to douse it. That really happened! Wierd. We asked them what happened to cause the fire, and they said, "It just started." Spontaneous combustion.

A few days later I was on a plane headed to Chicago. As I grow old, I find plane rides increasingly uncomfortable... and scary. As we went through about two hours of turbulence (probably more like half an hour, but it felt like two) and stormy skies, I looked out the window and saw naught but darkness and lightning. All I could think of then was Lost, or Castaway, or Alanis Morissette...

A few plane rides later, I found myself still alive and back at BYU's library where I was typing away when I heard something like someone dropping a gang of books behind me. I turned around and the girl sitting at the computer directly behind mine was on the floor. She was unconscious and making these horrifying little groaning noises. I froze. Someone shouted "Call 9-1-1!" I had a coherent thought about this time, "You don't need 9-1-1, it's just a seizure." Well, maybe not too coherent. Anyways, she came to in a minute or so and security came to her aid, so I thought my work there was done and I left promising myself to stay extra hydrated this summer.

For the most ill and final of omens (so far) I batted 0.000 at my first intramural softball game. I didn't even advance any runners! Et tu, softball? I hit it straight to the first baseman every time... So, if you added infinity more zero's to that 0.000, you'd still have my batting average spot on. So much swinging and so little success... why universe!? What is it you are trying to tell me?

There's only one thing to do to prepare for whatever calamity awaits... sniff some dishwasher soap and watch Avatar reruns.

If I Had A Game Show

So, lately, I haven't had school, so I've done a lot of thinking about random things. Sometimes, those random things are obscure movies I am familiar and you have probably forgotten them. If I ever had a game show, it would be to take quotes from these movies and see how often a contestant could get the right answer. I always would. Like I've always said, I have a quotagraphic memory.

Let's see how you would do...

1."Pork rind?"
"Pork rind."

2."Watch it there, Connie. You've got a dangling participle."

3."They have big big bottoms with bad shorts. They walk around going, Hi Helen!"

4."I want a car. Chicks dig cars."
"This is why Superman works alone."

5."Shut up Max!"

6."Perhaps I'm not as stupid as I am ugly."

7."We're gonna catch those thieves red-handed."
"What color are their hands now?"

8."Boris, you ever think you're the reason the other geese fly south?"
"If only your feet were as fast as your mouth."

9."Look at that."
"Steady as a rock."
"Ya, but I shoot with this hand."

10."I'll pop 'em off and you do the skinnin"

11."It is your words that have me hypnotized."

12."KILL INJUN! Is it legal here?"
"White man been doing it for years."

13."Mary Jane, that's like my favorite name!"

14."And daddy, he took my boot!"

15."I'll have a little dog, and I'll name it Kerrigan. It'll be a b**** just like you!"

16."You heard of the dream team? Well we're the mean team!"

17."What is that?"
"I don't know. It's probably a squirrel having a really bad hair day."

18."Wow, just when you really started to like Davy, he goes and has a butt-hole relapse."

19."Admit it, you've always looked up to me!"
"Yes, but it's not much of a view."

20."What is the matter with your eyes? Why can I not see myself in your eyes?"

----Hint----

"I'm alive! I'm alive!"

How many can you get!?

The Sequel to the Book You are Reading Right Now!

This is also not original... how I lament that fact.
Nope, it's from a little piece of gold I discovered from a friend's blog while I was supposed to be studying for my finals. They're called Dinosaur Comics!!!! The title alone should be cool enough to distract you from whatever life-and-death scenario you are currently living.

This book that I am about to write is a sequel to whatever book you are reading. Are you ready to go on a reading adventure!!?

"Yay!" go all the little children in the audience.

The Book that is a Sequel to Whatever Book You are Reading RIGHT NOW!

"Wow! It was all a dream!" said Antonio Tony as he sat bolt upright in his bed. "Everything that happened prior to this: TOTALLY IMAGINARY! So crazy." He looked around his bedroom. "I think I'll dream ANOTHER narrative tonight, whether fictional or non-fictional, who knows?" [These are the next books you read] Antonio looked around his bedroom again. He scratched his neck and tooted, since it was late and nobody was there. "Nobody must ever know," he said, tooting.

Therefore, from this point on, every book you ever read or have read is now part of this colossal collaborative story. In fact, all literature from every author ever is now just fan fiction about this character. HIS NAME IS ANTONIO TONY; HE FARTED THE BED!

Clever Gal

Sometimes, I'm in the library at 11:45 on Saturday night. I look over at the window walls and imagine myself running at them full speed and jumping right through like in that movie Huddsucker, but without the fall. Then I have to snap back to reality in time to write the last few pages of a major research project due at 8 a.m. on Monday.
This is that moment where a raptor has just jumped on board the train. The music is getting deafening loud, and I'm writing on my blog instead when the music goes off. The raptor leaps!...
To be continued...

The Man Card

Here are some recent reasons why I am cutting corners off my man card:
1. I watched some food network the other day. Gina and someone Neely show... and I liked it.
2. I am reading Emma right now. Not for school... for fun.
3. A few weeks ago, I was playing basketball and I was guarding this girl, and she made me look like Tulsa trying to guard Rebekkah Brunson.
4. I just used a WNBA reference...
5. I can no longer do 10 reps of 135 on bench press. I probably can't even do 5.
6. I opted for institute tonight instead of game 4 of the finals.
Note: In my defense, this is a spiritual trumping which can be considered quite manly, though not by the world's standards. However, I did forego watching it at Iggy's with my roommate for a sort of bachelor party, so that's another point against me. Then again, I went to institute at the encouragement of a girl who didn't even show. I was promptly forgatten. Yup. ForgAtten. I don't know where I'm going with this...
7. While playing "What's Yours Like?" the other day, to describe my "Beauty Secret," I said "Inner."
8. I like to call my teacher (who doubles as one of my good friend's wife) Mrs. Yancey cause it reminds me of grade school days.
9. My favorite EFY song is not sung by Brett Raymond (you may know him as the LDS Sting... Remember the Promise, Do Likewise My Friend). Instead, it's by a girl and it's about girls. Hey, she's Irish. I think.
Note: This girl was actually in my Freshman ward here at BYU, back in the days of DT.
Also Note: Bono is Irish.
10. I giggle at gossip, but only the gossip I write in my own journal to myself. Wow.
11. I'm afraid of bees.

So there's some just to name a few. You may be wondering how my man card manages to have more than four corners... just remember that when you cut a corner off, two more appear. It's just that at this point, I've done it so often it's pretty much a circle.

And if anyone is really lost with this post, the Man Card is metaphorical.

Put Space Pirates on your Testimony Bingo

I was sitting next to one of my former roommates at testimony meeting the other day. He started listing off the cliches of testimony meeting that have inspired such silly and disrespectful games like "Testimony Bingo." You know, phrases like, "I didn't think I was gonna come up here, but I did."

So I says to him, "Well, how often do you hear space pirates being mentioned?" And then I promptly went up and mentioned space pirates in my testimony... twice.

Don't think I made a mockery of the meeting. It was in context and a very heartfelt testimony still. Sometimes in class, I think about how cool it would be to be a space pirate, like the ones on Treasure Planet, you know? Then I think about how happy church makes me, and then I realize that thinking about church makes me happier than thinking about being a space pirate.

BOOM, testified!

Flashbacks

Today I was thinking how sad I am that I didn't start writing in my journal until my freshman year at BYU (and I've written in it every day since except for a lost stint from late 2008 to 2010). I lament how time has faded some of my fondest memories from my childhood through the days of my youth. Some times, however, stick out to me in such a way that I will never forget them.

Oddly enough, they can be quite random. I remember like it was yesterday when we were helping the Hortons move out of their new home, I must have been in sixth grade or so (making it about 14 years ago) when a truck drove by with a picture of two businesslike fellows on the trailer. I remember pointing to one of them and telling my dad (or maybe it was my brother), "That's what I'm gonna look like when I grow up."

So now that I've kinda grown up, I remember the picture well, and I wasn't that far off... as far as the face and hair go. The business suit--not so much.

And then just a few days ago, I saw this commercial for like the infinitieth time, and I thought to myself, "That's what I'm gonna look like when I grow up."



I can only hope my teeth will be that nice.

English is a Crazy Language, but not as crazy as me...

The following is not originally mine, and you may have heard tidbits of it before. BUT! As I am an English major-hunk, I thought this particularly relative to my situation and your enjoyment. BUT! Particularly is my favorite word.

"English is a Crazy Language"

Let’s face it — English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English
muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce
and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural
of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese… One
blouse, 2 blice?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that
you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a
bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call
it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps
you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an
asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play
and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses
that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a ―slim chance‖ and a ―fat chance‖ be the same, while a ―wise
man‖ and ―wise guy‖ are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be
opposites, while ―quite a lot‖ and ―quite a few‖ are alike? How can the
weather be ―hot as hell‖ one day and ―cold as hell‖ another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a

sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone
who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all
those people who are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it
out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn’t a race at all). That is
why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out,
they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when
I wind up this essay, I end it?

– Richard Lederer