Martin's Hamful Act I Scene III

Ham: To date, or not to date... that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler to seek in vain as it were that companionship, that completeness; and in so doing perhaps to spend frivolously, and not inheritance alone but emotions so invested as chips on a poker table- or to be aloof as they say- to ignore- to ignore and perchance to forget, and to avoid suffering altogether at the price of solemnity. Yet nigh, I make an act of it, for doth any desire yet surpass that- to love, to hold, to be loved, to write as it were parodies of a more romantic and inspired author, and to go out on Fridays. Yet were I to hope contrary to this, methinks 'twould also be in vain, for fates have anon frowned upon this festering hermit! A score of years and many acquaintances, of which there be many fair wenches with their suitors, and I, even I shall never be one with them. Though kin and kind may ever attempt to convince otherwise, we do know, my precious, that they are they and not they to whom my affections reach, and their words but for a little self-esteem are counted as naught but a light fog on the pane of a heating automobile. Even the native hue of resolution bringeth favor, but experience, oh dreadful teacher, maketh me to wear the dunce cap and sit upon a stool in the corner of the room.

(A knock upon the door)

Ham: Tis only I in the house! Perhaps a maiden comes to confess her undying devotions and her stupidity in not heretofore proclaiming such forthright...

(Goes to the door)

Tod... er rather Ham: What ho?!

Man at door: Good man, I bear a simple parcel for one Lord Sprague. Perchance he is about?

Ham: Nay, good sir, for he has moved on and joined to the ranks of those wedded. O bringer of bitter gifts, perhaps you hold salt in the said parcel and are yet prepared to pour it into the open wounds of my soul!

Ups Man: I pray thee, only sign here, and grant me leave that I may be spared from another of your self-depricating soliloquies.

Ham: 'Tis done, 'tis done.

(Exit Ups Man)

Ham: Again, 'tis but I in the house. What now shall be made of my ample agency within these confining walls? Ay, may I no longer wallow as a sow in the filth of blue funk, may I...

(There is a buzzing noise in his pocket)

Ham: I am beck'ned! Who seeks audience with that which seemeth so lowly? Once... twice... thrice it vibrates, 'tis more than simple text! Alas, she who must not be named! O, so mightily unprepared am I for this! How inspiration now takes wing through yonder window!

(Answers phone)

Ham: What ho?

She Who Must Not Be Named: Average sir, do mind your manners! In response to thy courier, I most amiably consent to thy aid for the practice biology examination, [aside] though it pangs me to stoop..., [not aside anymore] but for thy request for courtship, or 'fun' as thou name it, I will only consent given accompaniment of a score of chaperons, all of whom be acquaintances of mine. Pray, is it well?

Ham: For pants sake, doth the lash of reality mock my very existence? For this practice, may it happen at sunset on the morrow, so the known world may have it known that Hamful indeed makes merry on his Friday nights... 'twill be all, for chance carrieth me about that night, and my appointment with him, blessedly free of expenses, will be met. Adieu'.

She Who Must Not Be Named: Speak again?

Ham: Adieu... it meaneth 'goodbye'.

She: Than say as much and be done with it!

(Hangs up phone)

Ham: 'Twill be a reunion of few words, I would wager my right hand! It seems now the air bites shrewdly; it is very cold. What, who enters my room?

(Enter GHOST)

Ham: A specter! Yet would my bones and inards crumble with fear, but it bears not the look of murder but of melancholy... and seems also to fain mirror my image, but with a slight bluish tint to its non-corporeality. Speak, spirit, and bring news of the reason of thy appearance!

Ghost: I am the ghost of last semester! I visit on account of your invitation!

Ham: But spirit, I am mortal, libel to fall!

Ghost: Fool! Thou residest not in some cornish Muppet spectacle! I come on pretense to warn thee! Decisions of late take toll and shadow that which has been, even that which you were in months past, and that which no man desires to be! Many a sleep will I break, and many a dream will turn to restlessness, for I bring gloom and despair, and inclination to sever the promises made to one self! If consequence brings familiarity to my time, I warn thee to stray from such paths, and look no more to what was! Thy future is untold... find fortune and make her your own! Else spend all thy waking hours with letters on a mindless and dull blog! Swear!

(Fading out GHOST)

Ghost: Swear!

(Still fading out)

Ghost: Swear!

(Finally... exit Ghost)

Ham: Now I leave to the lavatory to examine these things in my mind.

(Exit Hamful)

The 100th Post!!!

This marks the 100th post of my posting career! Why not celebrate by going to get me temporary replaced by another permanent crown? My mouf stiff hurts... it's a good thing I got these leftover 800 mg Ibuprofen tablets!

So I went disco skating on my last date. It was lots of fun, but fun isn't free. As we were preparing to leave I saw these spots on my pants on the left knee and found out that blood was running down my leg from one of the wrecks on the floor. I think I just reopened a former wound... and then there is the quarter-sized blister on my right foot. At least I didn't lose any teeth, right?

So after 100 posts, I can look back on this blog and find memories of the good times, the depressing times, the bi-polar times, the inspired times, and again, the sad times. Wow, I was kind of down a lot last year. And last semester too. It was probably the math classes... and the dating life. So I can remedy this, but I need your help! Dating every week takes a lot of creative juices or else a significantly heavier wallet than I now possess, so please cash in with your input on any fun things to do for first dates (because that's the only kind I'll probably be doing this semester)
Or else I might just have to put these to use:
1. We could go to smiths and sample the various over-the-counter drugs and then go sniff the lemon-scented dishwasher soap...
2. We could go to Ikea and play hide and seek. The first one to get kicked out by security loses.
3. We could go play raquetball, wherein I will CRUSH her while playing left-handed and in socks!
4. We could watch Muppet Treasure Island and quote Tim Curry for the rest of the night.
5. We could take fake engagement pictures and send them to our families. Maybe not on the first date...
6. We could make up surveys for random people on campus, with questions like, "Who would win in a fight, Darth Vador, or Harry Potter?"
7. We could go dancing, we could go walking, as long as we're together... Listen to some music, maybe just talking, get to know you better...
8. We could egg cars, throw snowballs at pedestrians, and then dodge the cops! Adventure time!
9. We could try to set the Guiness record for most Sudoku puzzles solved within three hours.
10. We could think of ten dumb and unlikely dating ideas and post them on someone's blog.

Notice they're all practically free! That's the best kind, except for maybe laser tag, and only if she pays.
Well, I gotta go work out. My tooth is feeling better already.

Crazy Pants

Just to let everyone know:
This semester is going well, exciting things are happening... just so much now that they're not as exciting.
Anyways, I got to play on an intramural water polo team on Tuesday. We were gloriously outnumbered, but held our own as much as scoring 12 points and allowing them only 40 or so... I was goalie for the second half, where they only scored like fifteen, and mostly by girls (which count as two per score). So is that a good thing?
Lost is starting up again. Good-bye life.
And finally, typical of early semester, I am staying ahead in all my classes. Maybe I'll actually keep it up this year, considering it's mostly just a bunch of reading and writing! So far so good on all my goals for the new year (including the date machine one), but it's only been three weeks. That's like 21 days though... not bad.

No Money, No Problems

Has it really been a few weeks already back in school? Poor family... I bet you miss me somethin awful!
Well, things have happened and things have not happened. For instance, holding true to last semester, I am yet unemployed (feeling too prideful to go back to reffing or janitoring) and the blind date cancelled again. It was the same one that was supposed to happen last semester... I did find out that I know who she is, so it's not so blind. In any case, it probably is not happening anymore.
And who needs a blind date anyways? Why don't I just pick my own!? Starting Saturday!
What else ain't happenin? Math Ed. Pretty big one, eh? This is a strange and euphoric feeling of going to school and not having any math classes... it's like those days of football practice when you only dressed in grays and punted the football around, but without the football coming out of the sky and hitting you in the crotch.
I do have a new idea for my new course in life. Stupid blog, look what you got me into...
What is happening? Sledding, late night movies, broom hockey (RIDICULOUS amounts of fun), snow in my pants, a nine-foot snowman, snow, snow, snow, snow, spam, spam, bake beans, and snow... lots of basketball, lots of dancing, volleyball, and so much fun I can barely write this blog without getting up and kicking someone right in the face! And some things happen that aren't fun, like a root-canal on an infected dying tooth. Then again, I do get these HEAVY Motrin pills for that. Dude...
As Patsy puts it so well, "Always look on the bright side of life!"