Martin's Hamful Act I Scene III

Ham: To date, or not to date... that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler to seek in vain as it were that companionship, that completeness; and in so doing perhaps to spend frivolously, and not inheritance alone but emotions so invested as chips on a poker table- or to be aloof as they say- to ignore- to ignore and perchance to forget, and to avoid suffering altogether at the price of solemnity. Yet nigh, I make an act of it, for doth any desire yet surpass that- to love, to hold, to be loved, to write as it were parodies of a more romantic and inspired author, and to go out on Fridays. Yet were I to hope contrary to this, methinks 'twould also be in vain, for fates have anon frowned upon this festering hermit! A score of years and many acquaintances, of which there be many fair wenches with their suitors, and I, even I shall never be one with them. Though kin and kind may ever attempt to convince otherwise, we do know, my precious, that they are they and not they to whom my affections reach, and their words but for a little self-esteem are counted as naught but a light fog on the pane of a heating automobile. Even the native hue of resolution bringeth favor, but experience, oh dreadful teacher, maketh me to wear the dunce cap and sit upon a stool in the corner of the room.

(A knock upon the door)

Ham: Tis only I in the house! Perhaps a maiden comes to confess her undying devotions and her stupidity in not heretofore proclaiming such forthright...

(Goes to the door)

Tod... er rather Ham: What ho?!

Man at door: Good man, I bear a simple parcel for one Lord Sprague. Perchance he is about?

Ham: Nay, good sir, for he has moved on and joined to the ranks of those wedded. O bringer of bitter gifts, perhaps you hold salt in the said parcel and are yet prepared to pour it into the open wounds of my soul!

Ups Man: I pray thee, only sign here, and grant me leave that I may be spared from another of your self-depricating soliloquies.

Ham: 'Tis done, 'tis done.

(Exit Ups Man)

Ham: Again, 'tis but I in the house. What now shall be made of my ample agency within these confining walls? Ay, may I no longer wallow as a sow in the filth of blue funk, may I...

(There is a buzzing noise in his pocket)

Ham: I am beck'ned! Who seeks audience with that which seemeth so lowly? Once... twice... thrice it vibrates, 'tis more than simple text! Alas, she who must not be named! O, so mightily unprepared am I for this! How inspiration now takes wing through yonder window!

(Answers phone)

Ham: What ho?

She Who Must Not Be Named: Average sir, do mind your manners! In response to thy courier, I most amiably consent to thy aid for the practice biology examination, [aside] though it pangs me to stoop..., [not aside anymore] but for thy request for courtship, or 'fun' as thou name it, I will only consent given accompaniment of a score of chaperons, all of whom be acquaintances of mine. Pray, is it well?

Ham: For pants sake, doth the lash of reality mock my very existence? For this practice, may it happen at sunset on the morrow, so the known world may have it known that Hamful indeed makes merry on his Friday nights... 'twill be all, for chance carrieth me about that night, and my appointment with him, blessedly free of expenses, will be met. Adieu'.

She Who Must Not Be Named: Speak again?

Ham: Adieu... it meaneth 'goodbye'.

She: Than say as much and be done with it!

(Hangs up phone)

Ham: 'Twill be a reunion of few words, I would wager my right hand! It seems now the air bites shrewdly; it is very cold. What, who enters my room?

(Enter GHOST)

Ham: A specter! Yet would my bones and inards crumble with fear, but it bears not the look of murder but of melancholy... and seems also to fain mirror my image, but with a slight bluish tint to its non-corporeality. Speak, spirit, and bring news of the reason of thy appearance!

Ghost: I am the ghost of last semester! I visit on account of your invitation!

Ham: But spirit, I am mortal, libel to fall!

Ghost: Fool! Thou residest not in some cornish Muppet spectacle! I come on pretense to warn thee! Decisions of late take toll and shadow that which has been, even that which you were in months past, and that which no man desires to be! Many a sleep will I break, and many a dream will turn to restlessness, for I bring gloom and despair, and inclination to sever the promises made to one self! If consequence brings familiarity to my time, I warn thee to stray from such paths, and look no more to what was! Thy future is untold... find fortune and make her your own! Else spend all thy waking hours with letters on a mindless and dull blog! Swear!

(Fading out GHOST)

Ghost: Swear!

(Still fading out)

Ghost: Swear!

(Finally... exit Ghost)

Ham: Now I leave to the lavatory to examine these things in my mind.

(Exit Hamful)