Book of the Man of Little Consequence

Chapter 5:

1. And the semester began anew in the third year since the man of little consequence had returned.
2. And he dwelt in a house where the people made merry oft and the air was warm and uncomfortable.
3. Notwithstanding these trials, the man of little consequence did strive to follow the path of righteousness and manliness, the former taking first priority.
4. He sought to do so by establishing good habits, such as doing homework, selling blood to the lepers, lifting exceedingly heavy weights as Samson, going to the temple once a week, shaving, and refraining from using gel in his hair. (Though there are no lepers to be known of in the land, let it be known that he would sell his blood to them, yea, for a slightly raised premium.)
5. But behold, the thought of such habits is easier than the act of such habits.
6. And he did struggle, being distracted often by books, naps, facebook, and the Enlightened and Somewhat Partial Network (or as some would say, ESPN).

7. And he was so beloved by his eldest sister that she bought him pajama pants of many colors (about five years ago). And they were blue and orange and cyan and plaid and orange and blue and orange and plaid and cyan and blue and orange and plaid...
8. And when he set his foot in them to retire the night, behold, the knee was torn! And the man of little consequence wept bitterly and received inspiration for another chapter in his mock scripture.
9. And his roommate knocked out his tooth and left his social life for dead in the wilderness.
10. But when the roommate returned to claim his friendright, which is like unto a birthright but dealing with mutual acquaintances rather than family, he recognized him not, for the tooth was replaced.
11. And the man of little consequence said to himself, "I shall now take them all for a ride, after all they have tried fratricide."
12. And this quote made no sense, but he mused to himself all the same.

13. Thus was the third week of the third year since the return of the man of little consequence. And it was a week of dwindling inheritance and loneliness.
14. For Satan whispered unto his heart, "She hath already a boyfriend, as thou knowest all attractive females at the university hath. If thou asketh for her number, she will be greatly offended and probably mace thine eyes. Spare thyself thine eyes and thy pride, for they are all that is left thee, thou man of less than little consequence!"
15. But it came to pass, that on the beginning of the fourth week, the man did rebuke the devil to silence and cried aloud, "I will not listen to thee but rather listen to psalms of merriment and whimsical twang (or as some would say, country music)!"
16. And he donned his forty-dollar cowboy hat and went forth with renewed swagger.
17. And the book was to be continued.