The Other Night, Act II

ACT II: At the Gym

Buzzer sounds and players move to the sidelines. Wilson and Rivers are exhausted, Klein is messing with his hair, Snow is apathetic, and the clown is only a bit tired and still altogether silly. A girl, Mandolin, is keeping score for the team.

Wil: A 24 point deficit is not unconquerable, yet listen close, for the strategy of our victory is revelation to me…

Riv: As it always seems to be…

Wil: Let me speak. Snow, from this point hence, avoid the ball and all activity on the floor. Thou art an abyss of sinking ambition and ignorant folly.

Clo: Let him alone, for heaven’s sake, today

We play a game, a recreation such

As it not worth such words of foul contempt.

My friends, have fun, and seek not else in games.

Wil: Take your glittering fantasies and stow them where the women prance, simple and foolish player! Desirest thou ‘fun’? Then win, I say, win! Losing sucketh, and gave no delight to any man e’er heard of. I am a man, and as such declare my allegiance to making a stand for my battles of life, and care not for the apathetic folly of those who would be trod upon rather than trodding forth!

Clo: Alas, I am so often trod upon,

Of this, you do not err in your judgment.

Though air I’d give you more in your jump-ment.

(Too far, I reach! That pun was most tasteless!)

Anon, returning to my first challenge.

I venture there are those who yet rejoice

When loss is had in games of temp’ral sport.

The winning team, who doth inconvenience

The losers with a mark of second best,

For in the games of me an’ you

One must win, and one must rue.

Wil: Thou wouldst vie for the opponent! Traitor! They are naught but miscreants! Clodpoles! Fatherless curs who spat upon our ancestors’ graves when they set foot in the same arena as us, the honorable defenders of integrity! And more, they had the gall of robbing me of possession of the ball and yet thou wouldst side with these? Oh look how wickedly they smile and joke, festering jackals of the underworld!

Sno: They did rob[1] you, multiple times. I counted for lack of having better endeavors at the time.

Wil: Undeserving pustule! I work more for the salvation of this team save the Lord himself who giveth you breath to waste![2] Had any of you efforts equal to mine, we surely would not have to climb from such a steep hell to compete with these lesser devils!

Riv: Gentlemen and fool, speak not such hot debate betwixt compatriots! We are the same team, and our time for strategy grows thin with your bickerings!

Clo: In more than one context, Rivers speaks truth

In saying that we wrongfully accuse

Each other of villainous acts, as such

I bear apologies and peace, agree?

Wil: I agree I am deserving of apologies, and likewise accept and forgive. Your skills are needed, simple player, for they seem void in the majority of the team.

Clo: Poor Snow, below your belt he strikes again!

Riv: And likely my own belt as well has been struck beneath.

Buzzer sounds

Wil: Come, let us anew[3]. The glory brought alone by victory awaits! Wait… where is Klein?

Sno: What is his merit that he achieves a sidelined position? He speaketh with our scorekeeper, Mandolin, who came by his invitation. Pray, may I join him?

Riv: Surely not to speak to a woman?!

Wil: Take your place! I will handle him. Klein! Come forth, the games begin!

Kle: Alas, my ankle, so tenderly formed, doth complain in a most bitter manner. If you value my services, let me sit this one out, for your games may cost me the use of this most valued appendage. (To Mandolin) Yet your games shall ne’er cause me injury. Shall we play on?

Mand: Oh vain flatterer, your games are wasted.

Yet still, she smiles[4]

Clo: Away, let him be, for such is his joy.

A game he plays in which he scores much less

Than the average scorer on this court.

Wil: No matter. So long as four of us set foot on this floor we may compete, though one less would cause us forfeit and myself serious personal injuries.

The game begins. The clown promptly gets the ball and promptly passes it to Snow who promptly travels.

Ref: He traveleth! Let the relevant team be awarded the ball!

Wil: Why dost thou so often pass him the ball? He cares not for it!

Clo: Only for thy reaction do I such.

The game continues. Wilson strikes a shooter.

Ref: Foul, I say! For this the shooter shall be awarded with two unmolested attempts.

Wil: What ridicule is this!? Such minimal contact surely cannot swing a game so much!

Ref: Lower thy voice and thy temperature before I acquaint you with the outside of this gym.

Wil: You have scorned my petitions to sense thus far, for what reason wouldst thou accept wisdom now?[5]

Ref: I doubly warn thee again, oh merciful soul that I am.

Wil: Merciful! What mockery thou believest…

Clo: Let us resume, I beg of you! And yet

A word with, good ref give me your ear.

(To the Ref) My roommate here who holds this game so dear

Has not much life, of which you may have guessed

Though life in this manner is relative

By the standards of this judgmental world

We are all lacking for this treasured ‘life’

Then wouldst thou so divinely excuse him

And punish me instead for all our sakes.

Ref: I cannot acquiesce to your request[6], and furthermore why wouldst thou take a metaphorical shot for one so unlivable?

Clo: You think it’s for this man that I do this?

In me thou trust, it’s not for him I care,

But to be alone with the lady there.[7]

Ref: Well… give me reason for show of the players that they may not take such advantage of the officials oft. Thy words do carry some semblance of poetic power, I’d say.

Clo: (Still talking just to Referee) Remember this, to you I mean it not.

(Out loud) Thou blind and offensive rapscallion!

When shall you do justice for this people!

We seek fairness and tolerate your whims,

But now it’s had too much, we must complain!

Ref: This was your attack? How whimpish. Nonetheless, thou are deserving of the dreaded technical. Take a seat and return not for the whole of two minutes!

Wil: Stupid clown! Even stupider ref! What is the meaning of this!

Clo: Silence, Wilson! I do deserve this fate.

Only spite him by all your exertions,

And play so that he forgets not this day,

And leave the jeer and jest to him who deemed

To take upon himself this lowly call.

(To Klein) And now, my friend, you’re forced to take the floor

And fix this game, as fix you were born for.

Kle: Oh sad reason! What might I care if we forfeit?

Mand: Klein, do not scorn your team! You are needed most fervently on the floor!

Clo: Indeed, dost thou fear the wrath of Wilson?

Kle: Never. He threatens me not in the least.

Clo: Then fear his appetite for such a crime

As thou are contemplating would excuse

His theft of all your victuals and food.

Kle: He does not dare! And as well, he cares not for the salads I most often consume for my sustenance.

Clo: Then for the lady, may I yet implore,

Desires such a show of athletics.

Else why would she concede to come scorekeep

When most other females reject the call

Accounting for their ignorance or e’en

Their nonchalance to what goes on down here?

This game of sweaty, brutish, manish play

Appeals so little to their diviner[8] nature.

Kle: Thou hast enough point.

How long must this happen?

Clo: For two minutes[9].

Kle: Very well. Farewell, my lady. My heroism is called for!

Klein fake limps onto the floor, and the clown takes his place at Mandolin’s side. Some time passes…

A little more time passes.

Finally, enough time passes that the Clown addresses the lady.

Clo: Dost thou enjoy the game enough to stay?

Mand: It has not been a game for quite a while.

Clo: So then the game you are acquainted with?

Mand: And many other games I assure you.

Including that with which Klein plays with me.

Clo: Oh foul, insuff’rable game, I never played

It well enough to win but only watch.

A sad and lonely spectator of those

Who win the everlasting victory.

Mand: Poor soul, art thou fishing for my good tastes,

As Klein has done for so many weekends?

Clo: I must confess, sink me[10], that I am guessed.

But hopefully this bate is worth a bite,

At least, for once, to make this sad clown happy?

Mand: I pity you as much as your iambs.

And for this pity sake, perhaps consent…

Is not too distant in the horizon

Where naught but clouds are seen by us,

Who are but simple players of this game.

Clo: Then may you be the light that shines through mist[11],

One thing, at least, to soon look forward to.

Mand: Such silly poetry, I must admit,

Can draw a woman’s grace like mice to cheese.

I pray this cheese sits not upon a trap?[12]

Clo: If cheesiness be your primary taste,

Then I shall never cease to provide such[13].

Mand: I think you ever will, but more by chance

Than choice[14], most semi-amorous player.

But tell me this, for what purpose took thou the fall for thy teammate? I know what you have done here this night for him despite his ill will toward thyself and all humanity who challenge his ego?[15]

Clo: Ha! Would you believe I did it for this place,

Next to wonderous Mandolin the fare?

Mand: Should I believe such?

Clo: Alas, this time it isn’t quite the case.[16]

Consider rather all my teammates here,

Who have chosen so few passions in life,

That if they were to lose but one, even

For only a night of no consequence

As this night is, then surely they are left

Here empty as a hollow shell of skin.

I pity them who in turn pity me--

I am a man of much smaller passions,

But with enough to ne’er have wont of meaning.[17]

Mand: Do you consider yourself so wise a fool,

To mock them directly to their witless

Countenances?

Clo: Yet seldom do I give offense.[18]

My time is up, I must return and bid

You victim to the mushiness of Klein

Again, forgive me lady for no choice I have.

Mand: Go on, sweet fool, they ever need your help.

The Clown returns to the game, and Klein returns to the sideline with Mandolin. Wilson continues to get angry, Snow loses interest and leaves the gym, and Klein is forced to return to the game. The deficit continues, and the short and short-handed Clown, Klein, Wilson, and Rivers eventually expand their loss by another 26 points, thus losing by 50.[19]

Wil: Cutting loss and eternal embarrassment! I must drown my sorrows in unprecedented calories![20]

Exeunt Wilson

Riv: ‘Tis naught but a silly game, and one I lament to have wasted time upon. I return to my studies.

Exeunt Rivers.

Kle: That leaves but you and I, fare Mandolin. Shall we return to our abode? Ludovicio will surely be most happy and pleasant company after such a sordid affair.

Mand: Alas, the good man here has offered first

His transport to accompany me thus.

Clo: I have?

Mand: Indeed you have.

Clo: Indeed I have.

Kle: The clown? But hither did you ride in my company! ‘Tis only the unwritten rules of mutual acquaintance that you would return with the same cavalier who most graciously escorted you!

Mand: The unwritten rules that you mention here are like unto the rules of government, church policy[21], and all other codes that encompass multitudes of peoples with multitudes of situations. For these, there are always exceptions, and my choice here is above such rules for it is the preference of a lady.

Clo: And ladies are themselves more government

Than any man yet ever discovered.[22]

Kle: Preference? What strengths possesses he that I lack?

Mand: Perhaps you may say it’s his poetry.

Come now, good man of somewhat consequence.[23]

She grabs the Clown by the arm. Exeunt Mandolin and Clown.

Kle: I alone am left to lament alone. O Ludovicio, had I given so much time in devotion to thee as I had the foulest tool of punishment ever devised by the devil in the days of man[24], then you would not have left me so yet again!

Singing

“Ain’t nothing but a heartache…

Tell my whyee!...”[25]

Exeunt Klein

---

[1] Wilson had a lot of turnovers, suggesting he controlled the ball for most of the game

[2] Doctrine and Covenants 135:3

[3] Hymn no. 217

[4] Perhaps a bit inconsistent with the character of Mandolin, but the audience must know that she came by Klein’s invitation

[5] Wilson’s last few lines are the classic lines of an unsportsmanlike participant, albeit in somewhat more poetic fashion

[6] A phrase based upon one taken from Pirates of the Carribean, Curse of the Black Pearl, noted for its prolixity

[7] Is this truly the reason for the clown’s intervention?!

[8] A play on some very common church beliefs

[9] The clown actually uses Klein’s previous line to complete this iamb

[10] A cliché from the Scarlet Pimpernel. The clown is not on his game at the moment

[11] Mandolin would go home and write this line in her journal, though she would never tell the clown

[12] She is hoping this vain flattery is not only for a NCMO (non-committal make-out session)

[13] Some girls do like cheese

[14] Mandolin is actually subtly making fun of the clown, saying he is cheesy by nature and not by deliberation

[15] Mandolin quits the iambs suggesting a significant change in tone—from witty word games to serious inquiry, and perhaps even interest

[16] Or is it?

[17] The clown, like most Shakespearean clowns, has these moments of profound lucidity that suggest a deep and philosophical understanding of human nature, or at least some humans’ nature

[18] The clown attempts to use Mandolin’s last line to complete his iamb, but overshoots by two syllables; this girl really has him flustered

[19] If the characters are indeed based off of me, this sort of result for intramural basketball was not much of an exaggeration for my team

[20] Wilson is unfortunately phased out here; I couldn’t find room for him in the rest of the story

[21] Disclaimer: Only the Spirit provides exceptions to church policy

[22] Perhaps the most profound statement ever taught by the clown

[23] Another reference to the Book of the Man of Little Consequence… although, in her eyes, his consequence is already gaining

[24] A quote directly from Ulysses McGill in “O Brother, Where Art Thou?”

[25] A Backstreet Boys song; turns out Klein is indeed a fan

Yoink!

Wow, you know, my hats off again to whoever writes these trailers... the movie looks kinda so-so, but watching the trailer was a lot like needing supplies from a small Asian man.

Dream Journal

I have a dream... but not like Abba's.

The other night, I had this strange one, where I was at some random chapel after some sort of reception or conference and I was playing basketball. Only, there was no hoop, and there were about twelve people playing and the teams were all of them against me. And I was doing surprisingly well, at least with ball handling, because there was no goal in this game of kinda-basketball. Usually, I can't do anything right in basketball... in my dreams. So, after that quick game, I packed some of my things up in this strange apartment that I had never seen before and went outside where my mom was waiting, only the world was perfectly vertical. I watched her walk to the car and wondered how she kept her traction when she should be falling into who knows what, so I took a few steps on this vertical world. I felt the pull of gravity at first, but eventually, I got used to it myself, like Spiderman but only with sticky feet. When I made it to the car, we began driving off, and some time during this period the world righted itself. My older brother and his wife and their recent son were in the car with us, and that nephew of mine (who just had his first birthday) knew my name even though he had seen so little of me. It was at that point that I realized I was dreaming, cause this was too good to be true. Me, good at basketball? Me, going home to Texas? Me, being addressed by my nephew who can barely talk?

Then I got to wondering as I often have. What if I am still in the back seat of that van, only dreaming that I am writing on this blog, only dreaming that I am going to BYU, only dreaming that I am Todd? I have spent so little time with both feet in reality (or what appears to be reality) as it is that sometimes I doubt my existence, and I had these ideas (or premonitions) long before I ever saw Inception... or the Matrix.
What if this life is a dream? Who will know the difference? It is as Joseph Conrad said, "We live as we dream--alone."
Maybe I just want to wake up and be like, "This is a dream," and have some hot elven maiden say, "Then it is a good dream," and then we make out. She wouldn't look like Liv Tyler though, I'd say more like Jennifer Connely from her Rocketeer days.

What is Fat Albert Like?

Sometimes, when there's a break in the teacher's lecture, I quickly snap out of the comatose condition the droning voice has hypnotized me into and I hope that he doesn't notice the great red splotch on my cheek from where my head has rested for the last couple of minutes... the last couple of minutes that turns out to be about 45 minutes. Hooray! Only five more minutes until class is done and I can get home and start the oven for another baked potato paradise! Have I ever mentioned that I like food more than most people?

Does this mean:
A. That I like food more than most people like food
B. That I like food more than I like most people
C. That I like food so much I use ridiculous superlatives.

If you guessed C, guess again. If you guessed A for your second guess, well you just don't know me all that well, do you?

School continues on during the summertime, and more than ever I am dreading the march of ages. Time keeps slipping through my hands like a greased rope attached to an accelerating Dodge Caravan. I feel like that if I sleep too long at night, I'll wake up on the eve of another heavy research project, and my sanity will be only so-so. I thought it would be easier with only two classes and a great lack of stress born from hours of taking flak from ignorant basketball fans and players. My Thursday night shows are better than ever, and the basketball playoffs are more entertaining than I can ever remember them to be sans Rockets.

Does that last sentence mean:
A. The playoffs are better without the Rockets involved.
B. The playoffs are better despite the Rockets being involved.
C. The playoffs were best when the Rockets were involved, but they are still pretty good as it is.
D. I don't know what "sans" means.

C is the correct one here, with D being a close second.

As such, time continues to fly most unceremoniously towards that dreadful August, which I thought for a time was less dreadful, but is in reality still quite dreadful. Not to mention there lies Spanish 205 and English 495 inbetween here and there, which are a couple of stress bombs I am keeping on my shelf for later use.
Remember that time when I compared life at the end of the semester to riding an accelerating train that is being attacked by increasing numbers of velociraptors? I'm not at that point yet, but I can here the calls...
In the meantime, I'm probably going to keep looking at the teacher as if I'm paying attention, but twenty minutes into my two-and-a-half-hour class I'll be a space pirate captain with a Firefly class vessel and a crew full of hobbits.

Why I Think the Muppets are Great

One of my favorite all-time movies is Muppet Treasure Island. I am also a huge fan of Muppet Christmas Carol, and most people think that's either real cute or deserving of another snip from my man card. Either way, I don't declare my allegiance to such Muppetries for your sake, and probably not for the reason you think either.


My favorite character on Muppet Treasure Island is not even a muppet, actually. It's a person. No, it's certainly not Kevin Bishop and his amazing falsetto/soprano. It's definitely Tim Curry. He makes such a good pirate! I know he's done weird things before, but I don't condemn his performance as Long John because of his trans-sexual character in another film. I only emulate his laugh and hope it can land me a job at Pirate Island in Orem for a dream come true.

"PIRATES!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA... pirates...? Oh Jim, if that's what you're thinking, you're DEAD wrong!" (Insert musical number here)

As for the muppets, there's not a whole lot of 'em that entertain me. I can't stand Miss Piggy (shoot her please, Long John!) and Kermit is boring, Fozzy is cliche (though refreshingly stupid in MTI) and the rest of them are all the same. I enjoy the masochism of Gonzo and the running joke of his whateverness--something ruined by the awful "Muppets in Space"--and Rizzo is tolerable, being a cowardly glutton, much like myself. I would have to say my favorite Muppets are Statler and Waldorf--
"That was the speech!?" "It was dumb!" "It was pointless!" "It was obvious!" "It was short..."
"I Loved it!"

Followed in a close second by Animal, who almost single-handedly redeems the Great Muppet Caper with "Woman! Woman!"

Moral of the story: the Muppets have never been the same without Jim Henson, and they will never be the same again... until they do "Muppets Independence Day" or "Muppets Firefly" with guest star Nathan Fillion.

The Other Night, Act I

Characters:

Clown and his roommates, Klein, Snow, Rivers, and Wilson.

Mandolin, a girl and certainly not a type

Referee

perhaps some others, I haven't really decided yet

ACT I: In an apartment

Clo: Too long! Too long it runs, this rail of life

‘Ere it spans the length of man’s vision

And leaves us but to struggle all our days

To stand, and nay, to walk toward that vast

And inconceivable horizon, faith,

And all the while upon our wretched toes

For great its length and small its breadth on which

We each struggle, for one step here or there

To left or right is folly, fall, and faint

Toward that fog, where imbalance doth cloud

Our sight, deepen our hearts, and damp and dam

Progress, for which all man must strive and strive[1],

Indeed, there is no rest for those who live.

But what of this fall, can it be so grim?

The great abyss of gross insanity

In one degree or in many, so heats

The convection which bakes for souls habits,

And with habits, characters, and anon
A man is made, with passion, more it seems

That governs all his acts, and takes his choice

Like one, scorn’d and rail’d against since youth[2].

Enter Klein[3]

Kle: O, but that it were true, good jester, that choice were taken and mankind, as well as womankind, were left to follow the whims of those who seek their better happiness.

Clo: Now Klein, thou seems a bit crescent-fallen[4],

But whatever doth put thy mind in sorts,

For truth, could not be naught but can be so

Fix’d by thy warm, utilitarian

Nature, and by and by no longer stain

Thy bright and most expensive countenance.[5]

Kle: I am but crest-fallen, for so many a maiden practices enjoyment whilst in my company and yet turns away the greater reward when it comes due time.

Clo: And this reward, I cannot guess, for life

Hath made of thee the master of their hearts,

Not I, and so wouldst thou, in more, detail

The manner of this great offense thou suff’rst?

Kle: Ay, in more detail. Perhaps my longest and happiest friend will assist in the telling of the tale. Come, Ludovicio[6], for thou art the tool of tales in which I sorrow and rejoice. Give but a moment to attune my melancholy to its strings of fortune.

Clo: Thine instrument, a name? Average sir,

By thy label[7] I think tis thy brother.

Kle: More of a brother than can be asked for among such base folk as we are.

[Singing]

“She hid her face from me on the front porch,

And gave her love, burning like a torch,

A dousing of cold water and shoulders

And gave no action, so I told her

Off!”[8]

Enter Snow[9]

Sno: What racket, what racket! Silly jester, doth thou again prod him to his vain caterwaulings? Oft have his ugly verses disturbed my solitutde.

Kle: Back to thy gaming, dark spider. Speak not of vanity, I am in lament.

Clo: Would I destroy tradition for thy sake?

But use thy strengths, indeed, thy strength of noise,

And drown this wrench amidst the cries and clangs

Of never-ending battle, fantastic

It may be, more genuine than we,

At least to thee, and all thy friends abroad.

Sno: Would that it were so and you all were but imaginations of my lesser existence and I could but dismiss with you a thought. No matter, your advice is sound and I retire with increased volume that yours may be decreased.

Exeunt Snow

Kle: With little sympathy ever I regard him. Shall I resume?

[Singing]

“She gave not lip nor tongue,

So I felt I was stung,

By a great bee of disappointment…”

Clo: I pray, hold thy rantings for but a while,

For how wilt thou be beck’nd by that device

Which makes its home in thy outworldish pants

And governs thy life moreso than it seems

Than thy feminine equals of whom

You so lament the existence of here,

For methinks she calls upon thee soon

To rectify this base and sordid choice

To be rid of this, your most esteemed company.

Kle: Nay, twill make no matter, for it is on vibrate. Thy sentiments are most keen, jester, but I think not that they are remedy to my woe begotten state. Only the mirth of Ludovicio’s and my own voice combined can repair the wrongs of the universe.

Clo: [Aside] Repair, so true, for you to use such text.

Alas, here comes Rivers to join my cause.

Enter Rivers[10]

Riv: Mine ears were touched again by the sorrowful song of our perpetually sad roommate ‘ere I entered thus. I wonder, are thy lyrics truly of thy heart, or do they speak from another’s?

Kle: Simple man, you question my originality? ‘Tis worthy of a sound slapping of thy spectacles across yonder filthy[11] tiles!

Riv: Forgive me, they but sounded so much alike the sounds that play upon the radio these days. Doth the Fray or Nickleback[12] inspire thee?

Kle: What base accusation is this!? I seek not the lyrics of others when I am seeking the muse of my soul, and especially not such poppish and universally disliked bands of amateurs!

Clo: Heaven forbid, the lads and girls of note

Should discover such ugly truths in him.

Riv: Then it is Backstreet boys?

Kle: Social insect, you buzz too much!

Riv: I hear they may yet return, or so is rumored upon the net.

Kle: I believe you not, but if such is truth, I must be privy to such a disaster.

Exeunt Klein, probably to go check his computer for updates on various Boy Bands.

Clo: O what wisdom doth shine from your large head,

Most studious and ardent man of books.

By your sagacity he is retired,

And we are left to ponder life in peace.

Riv: My wisdom is heavily sought for and rightly earned. Pray, fool[13], have you yet given thought to your studies.

Clo: I thought of them, yes, but the thought troubled

Me so greatly, for thoughts would gather more,

And with study the very thought of thought

Compounds upon my poor, imbecile brain.

I imagine you thought upon yours too.

Riv: No, not thought, but acted. Silly fool, you cheaply sell that which would ever remain to strengthen thy character. Today we studied vice, and one of its greatest uglinesses is sloth. I thought of thee today as I studied such.

Clo: Didst thou study as well the sin of av’rice?

Or perhaps that most universal one,

Of which I shan’t name here, but only hint

Remains foremost, and marked in front with ‘p’.[14]

Riv: Poverty? Aye, a most heinous crime in my family, and one to which all the world’s fools are bound, and all those who actively practice sloth.

Clo: Yet, what is sloth? ‘Tis relevant at best,

For of two men, one who makes highest marks,

And ever thus attends his class and work—

Thus is he rewarded with earliest

Letters of the Latin alphabet[15],

And declared a scholar of words and numbs[16].

And yet, the next of these two men who oft

Skips his class and opts instead for home,

Wherein he cleans and sees to order there

So that his fellows may enjoy the house.[17]

For as the former never thus employs

His art or wit to do that which without

Complaint, the latter thus achieves, then who

Sayest thou, would be the more slothful now?

Riv: Easily, it is the second, for he sought to employ himself in the easier industry.

Clo: Easy, you say? Then why did he not make

Time for such a selfless, simple task yet,

I say for him, and even in defense,

The schooling is more easily obtained,

For he is practiced more in this than base

And menial tasks which he finds too hard.

Else why would he refuse to lend a hand?

Riv: I have not time for your riddles, fool. I must retire to review the day’s intake of sacred learnings, both secular and otherwise.

Exeunt Rivers

Clo: Indeed, he missed the greater moral here,

And being thus refuted from his claim

Of knowledge invulnerable, he runs

Perhaps to ponder such a riddle more.

For sloth is never as it seems but is

More of a matter of priorities.

For River, books; for Klein, the woman’s lips.

For Snow, his games; for Wilson, food and games.

And for me, the clown of no consequence[18],

All of the above, just in shambled parts.[19]

Enter Wilson

Wil: [Yelling] Come hither, player, come hither all ye players! Snow, Rivers, Klein, it is time for us to depart and take part in that sordid recreation of mannish strength and speed[20]. Come hither, for the other competitors hope for our absence, as ‘tis the only means by which they obtain victory! Come hither, else the battle goes awry and we are left without reason to indulge in foodstuffs for celebration!

Clo: You fit the type too well, Wilson,[21]

And prove my label thus mentioned.

Wil: Prepare yourself, player, for we take on a much greater fiend than your broken iambic. The fiends who deem themselves officials and have yet always robbed me to this day, and I stand before you a broken and ravaged man by their judgment. Perhaps your charisma may sway them to our cause, and see me benefited, for once in eternity.[22]

Re-enter Klein and Rivers, wearing shorts and tennis shoes

Riv: I remembered the event and intend to attend, so leave of your prep-talkings. Let’s get this over with.

Kle: Will there be fans today?

Wil: Fans, indeed. Who cares for such a crowd? And where is Snow, our numbers are short without him.

Clo: And we are short[23], whether or not he comes.

Wil: Speak not this pessimism. I hunger. What leftovers may be had in seconds?

Kle: Take my noodles and spare me the carbs.

Wil: Done. Someone get Snow before I pumble[24] him and let us depart for the gym.

---

[1] Being a play on words, the double meaning being both “putting forth effort,” and in biblical terms “fighting, arguing” (Matt. 12:19, 2 Tim. 2:14, 24)

[2] Being a reference to Satan who takes away agency.

[3] Klein is named after the brand of power tools, he being the quintessential “tool” or player or whatever name you give to one who spends all his faculties (and often in vain) to impress the ladies.

[4] A deliberate twisting of the term, “crest-fallen” referring to the crescent wrench. This will not be the only tool pun from the clown.

[5] Notice how the clown retains a semblance of iambic while no other character does except, as you will see later on, Mandolin, and only she does so as a sort of game with the clown.

[6] I was afraid that to have Klein name his guitar would be playing too much into the stereotype and make him too much of an unlikable character. I ended up leaving it for some reason…

[7] Another tool pun, being a reference to when Klein called the guitar his “tool of tales”

[8] For clarification, the lyrics are deliberately awful

[9] Being named in reference to the popular electronics company, Blizzard, Snow is one of those one-in-ten or so guys that has spent a fortune of time and money on Mass Multiplayer Online Games

[10] A name simply sounding hoity toity smarty-pants, and later discovered to be accidently harmonious with ‘River’ Tam from the series, “Firefly”

[11] All mens’ apartments have filthy floor tiles

[12] In ten years, both of these bands will be completely forgotten

[13] The clown is called something different by each of his roommates—Klein refers to him as the “jester,” Snow calls him the “joker,” Rivers calls him “fool,” and Wilson calls him “player”

[14] “Pride,” in case you didn’t catch that

[15] Aka, good grades

[16] A slightly distasteful slant of the word “numbers”

[17] This latter man certainly describes the author… er, the clown

[18] The first of a few references to the “Man of Little Consequence.” If you need explanation on what that is, check out this blog: regularguylife.blogspot.com

[19] Here is stated, nearly outright, the central motif of the play: balance. The clown represents some semblance of balance whilst his roommates have become slaves to their solitary passions, however noble those passions may be. In this imbalance comes a form of madness which clouds reason and even spirituality, and I believe this was one of Shakespeare’s chief portrayals of madness in all his plays as well

[20] Aka, basketball

[21] This is a sort of “disclaimer” line, somewhat vindicating me for using such obvious stereotypes

[22] Having been an official once myself, I couldn’t resist putting in a plug for the inhumanity by which they are treated

[23] Referring to the stature of the roommates. If they are all indeed patterned after some facet of my life, then they may also reflect my physical stature as well

[24] A word having much history in my family, derived from a 3-year old’s mispronunciation of the word “pummel”