ACT II: At the Gym
Buzzer sounds and players move to the sidelines. Wilson and Rivers are exhausted, Klein is messing with his hair, Snow is apathetic, and the clown is only a bit tired and still altogether silly. A girl, Mandolin, is keeping score for the team.
Wil: A 24 point deficit is not unconquerable, yet listen close, for the strategy of our victory is revelation to me…
Riv: As it always seems to be…
Wil: Let me speak. Snow, from this point hence, avoid the ball and all activity on the floor. Thou art an abyss of sinking ambition and ignorant folly.
Clo: Let him alone, for heaven’s sake, today
We play a game, a recreation such
As it not worth such words of foul contempt.
My friends, have fun, and seek not else in games.
Wil: Take your glittering fantasies and stow them where the women prance, simple and foolish player! Desirest thou ‘fun’? Then win, I say, win! Losing sucketh, and gave no delight to any man e’er heard of. I am a man, and as such declare my allegiance to making a stand for my battles of life, and care not for the apathetic folly of those who would be trod upon rather than trodding forth!
Clo: Alas, I am so often trod upon,
Of this, you do not err in your judgment.
Though air I’d give you more in your jump-ment.
(Too far, I reach! That pun was most tasteless!)
Anon, returning to my first challenge.
I venture there are those who yet rejoice
When loss is had in games of temp’ral sport.
The winning team, who doth inconvenience
The losers with a mark of second best,
For in the games of me an’ you
One must win, and one must rue.
Wil: Thou wouldst vie for the opponent! Traitor! They are naught but miscreants! Clodpoles! Fatherless curs who spat upon our ancestors’ graves when they set foot in the same arena as us, the honorable defenders of integrity! And more, they had the gall of robbing me of possession of the ball and yet thou wouldst side with these? Oh look how wickedly they smile and joke, festering jackals of the underworld!
Sno: They did rob[1] you, multiple times. I counted for lack of having better endeavors at the time.
Wil: Undeserving pustule! I work more for the salvation of this team save the Lord himself who giveth you breath to waste![2] Had any of you efforts equal to mine, we surely would not have to climb from such a steep hell to compete with these lesser devils!
Riv: Gentlemen and fool, speak not such hot debate betwixt compatriots! We are the same team, and our time for strategy grows thin with your bickerings!
Clo: In more than one context, Rivers speaks truth
In saying that we wrongfully accuse
Each other of villainous acts, as such
I bear apologies and peace, agree?
Wil: I agree I am deserving of apologies, and likewise accept and forgive. Your skills are needed, simple player, for they seem void in the majority of the team.
Clo: Poor Snow, below your belt he strikes again!
Riv: And likely my own belt as well has been struck beneath.
Buzzer sounds
Wil: Come, let us anew[3]. The glory brought alone by victory awaits! Wait… where is Klein?
Sno: What is his merit that he achieves a sidelined position? He speaketh with our scorekeeper, Mandolin, who came by his invitation. Pray, may I join him?
Riv: Surely not to speak to a woman?!
Wil: Take your place! I will handle him. Klein! Come forth, the games begin!
Kle: Alas, my ankle, so tenderly formed, doth complain in a most bitter manner. If you value my services, let me sit this one out, for your games may cost me the use of this most valued appendage. (To Mandolin) Yet your games shall ne’er cause me injury. Shall we play on?
Mand: Oh vain flatterer, your games are wasted.
Yet still, she smiles[4]
Clo: Away, let him be, for such is his joy.
A game he plays in which he scores much less
Than the average scorer on this court.
Wil: No matter. So long as four of us set foot on this floor we may compete, though one less would cause us forfeit and myself serious personal injuries.
The game begins. The clown promptly gets the ball and promptly passes it to Snow who promptly travels.
Ref: He traveleth! Let the relevant team be awarded the ball!
Wil: Why dost thou so often pass him the ball? He cares not for it!
Clo: Only for thy reaction do I such.
The game continues. Wilson strikes a shooter.
Ref: Foul, I say! For this the shooter shall be awarded with two unmolested attempts.
Wil: What ridicule is this!? Such minimal contact surely cannot swing a game so much!
Ref: Lower thy voice and thy temperature before I acquaint you with the outside of this gym.
Wil: You have scorned my petitions to sense thus far, for what reason wouldst thou accept wisdom now?[5]
Ref: I doubly warn thee again, oh merciful soul that I am.
Wil: Merciful! What mockery thou believest…
Clo: Let us resume, I beg of you! And yet
A word with, good ref give me your ear.
(To the Ref) My roommate here who holds this game so dear
Has not much life, of which you may have guessed
Though life in this manner is relative
By the standards of this judgmental world
We are all lacking for this treasured ‘life’
Then wouldst thou so divinely excuse him
And punish me instead for all our sakes.
Ref: I cannot acquiesce to your request[6], and furthermore why wouldst thou take a metaphorical shot for one so unlivable?
Clo: You think it’s for this man that I do this?
In me thou trust, it’s not for him I care,
But to be alone with the lady there.[7]
Ref: Well… give me reason for show of the players that they may not take such advantage of the officials oft. Thy words do carry some semblance of poetic power, I’d say.
Clo: (Still talking just to Referee) Remember this, to you I mean it not.
(Out loud) Thou blind and offensive rapscallion!
When shall you do justice for this people!
We seek fairness and tolerate your whims,
But now it’s had too much, we must complain!
Ref: This was your attack? How whimpish. Nonetheless, thou are deserving of the dreaded technical. Take a seat and return not for the whole of two minutes!
Wil: Stupid clown! Even stupider ref! What is the meaning of this!
Clo: Silence, Wilson! I do deserve this fate.
Only spite him by all your exertions,
And play so that he forgets not this day,
And leave the jeer and jest to him who deemed
To take upon himself this lowly call.
(To Klein) And now, my friend, you’re forced to take the floor
And fix this game, as fix you were born for.
Kle: Oh sad reason! What might I care if we forfeit?
Mand: Klein, do not scorn your team! You are needed most fervently on the floor!
Clo: Indeed, dost thou fear the wrath of Wilson?
Kle: Never. He threatens me not in the least.
Clo: Then fear his appetite for such a crime
As thou are contemplating would excuse
His theft of all your victuals and food.
Kle: He does not dare! And as well, he cares not for the salads I most often consume for my sustenance.
Clo: Then for the lady, may I yet implore,
Desires such a show of athletics.
Else why would she concede to come scorekeep
When most other females reject the call
Accounting for their ignorance or e’en
Their nonchalance to what goes on down here?
This game of sweaty, brutish, manish play
Appeals so little to their diviner[8] nature.
Kle: Thou hast enough point.
How long must this happen?
Clo: For two minutes[9].
Kle: Very well. Farewell, my lady. My heroism is called for!
Klein fake limps onto the floor, and the clown takes his place at Mandolin’s side. Some time passes…
A little more time passes.
Finally, enough time passes that the Clown addresses the lady.
Clo: Dost thou enjoy the game enough to stay?
Mand: It has not been a game for quite a while.
Clo: So then the game you are acquainted with?
Mand: And many other games I assure you.
Including that with which Klein plays with me.
Clo: Oh foul, insuff’rable game, I never played
It well enough to win but only watch.
A sad and lonely spectator of those
Who win the everlasting victory.
Mand: Poor soul, art thou fishing for my good tastes,
As Klein has done for so many weekends?
Clo: I must confess, sink me[10], that I am guessed.
But hopefully this bate is worth a bite,
At least, for once, to make this sad clown happy?
Mand: I pity you as much as your iambs.
And for this pity sake, perhaps consent…
Is not too distant in the horizon
Where naught but clouds are seen by us,
Who are but simple players of this game.
Clo: Then may you be the light that shines through mist[11],
One thing, at least, to soon look forward to.
Mand: Such silly poetry, I must admit,
Can draw a woman’s grace like mice to cheese.
I pray this cheese sits not upon a trap?[12]
Clo: If cheesiness be your primary taste,
Then I shall never cease to provide such[13].
Mand: I think you ever will, but more by chance
Than choice[14], most semi-amorous player.
But tell me this, for what purpose took thou the fall for thy teammate? I know what you have done here this night for him despite his ill will toward thyself and all humanity who challenge his ego?[15]
Clo: Ha! Would you believe I did it for this place,
Next to wonderous Mandolin the fare?
Mand: Should I believe such?
Clo: Alas, this time it isn’t quite the case.[16]
Consider rather all my teammates here,
Who have chosen so few passions in life,
That if they were to lose but one, even
For only a night of no consequence
As this night is, then surely they are left
Here empty as a hollow shell of skin.
I pity them who in turn pity me--
I am a man of much smaller passions,
But with enough to ne’er have wont of meaning.[17]
Mand: Do you consider yourself so wise a fool,
To mock them directly to their witless
Countenances?
Clo: Yet seldom do I give offense.[18]
My time is up, I must return and bid
You victim to the mushiness of Klein
Again, forgive me lady for no choice I have.
Mand: Go on, sweet fool, they ever need your help.
The Clown returns to the game, and Klein returns to the sideline with Mandolin. Wilson continues to get angry, Snow loses interest and leaves the gym, and Klein is forced to return to the game. The deficit continues, and the short and short-handed Clown, Klein, Wilson, and Rivers eventually expand their loss by another 26 points, thus losing by 50.[19]
Wil: Cutting loss and eternal embarrassment! I must drown my sorrows in unprecedented calories![20]
Exeunt Wilson
Riv: ‘Tis naught but a silly game, and one I lament to have wasted time upon. I return to my studies.
Exeunt Rivers.
Kle: That leaves but you and I, fare Mandolin. Shall we return to our abode? Ludovicio will surely be most happy and pleasant company after such a sordid affair.
Mand: Alas, the good man here has offered first
His transport to accompany me thus.
Clo: I have?
Mand: Indeed you have.
Clo: Indeed I have.
Kle: The clown? But hither did you ride in my company! ‘Tis only the unwritten rules of mutual acquaintance that you would return with the same cavalier who most graciously escorted you!
Mand: The unwritten rules that you mention here are like unto the rules of government, church policy[21], and all other codes that encompass multitudes of peoples with multitudes of situations. For these, there are always exceptions, and my choice here is above such rules for it is the preference of a lady.
Clo: And ladies are themselves more government
Than any man yet ever discovered.[22]
Kle: Preference? What strengths possesses he that I lack?
Mand: Perhaps you may say it’s his poetry.
Come now, good man of somewhat consequence.[23]
She grabs the Clown by the arm. Exeunt Mandolin and Clown.
Kle: I alone am left to lament alone. O Ludovicio, had I given so much time in devotion to thee as I had the foulest tool of punishment ever devised by the devil in the days of man[24], then you would not have left me so yet again!
Singing
“Ain’t nothing but a heartache…
Tell my whyee!...”[25]
Exeunt Klein
[1] Wilson had a lot of turnovers, suggesting he controlled the ball for most of the game
[2] Doctrine and Covenants 135:3
[3] Hymn no. 217
[4] Perhaps a bit inconsistent with the character of Mandolin, but the audience must know that she came by Klein’s invitation
[5] Wilson’s last few lines are the classic lines of an unsportsmanlike participant, albeit in somewhat more poetic fashion
[6] A phrase based upon one taken from Pirates of the Carribean, Curse of the Black Pearl, noted for its prolixity
[7] Is this truly the reason for the clown’s intervention?!
[8] A play on some very common church beliefs
[9] The clown actually uses Klein’s previous line to complete this iamb
[10] A cliché from the Scarlet Pimpernel. The clown is not on his game at the moment
[11] Mandolin would go home and write this line in her journal, though she would never tell the clown
[12] She is hoping this vain flattery is not only for a NCMO (non-committal make-out session)
[13] Some girls do like cheese
[14] Mandolin is actually subtly making fun of the clown, saying he is cheesy by nature and not by deliberation
[15] Mandolin quits the iambs suggesting a significant change in tone—from witty word games to serious inquiry, and perhaps even interest
[16] Or is it?
[17] The clown, like most Shakespearean clowns, has these moments of profound lucidity that suggest a deep and philosophical understanding of human nature, or at least some humans’ nature
[18] The clown attempts to use Mandolin’s last line to complete his iamb, but overshoots by two syllables; this girl really has him flustered
[19] If the characters are indeed based off of me, this sort of result for intramural basketball was not much of an exaggeration for my team
[20] Wilson is unfortunately phased out here; I couldn’t find room for him in the rest of the story
[21] Disclaimer: Only the Spirit provides exceptions to church policy
[22] Perhaps the most profound statement ever taught by the clown
[23] Another reference to the Book of the Man of Little Consequence… although, in her eyes, his consequence is already gaining
[24] A quote directly from Ulysses McGill in “O Brother, Where Art Thou?”
[25] A Backstreet Boys song; turns out Klein is indeed a fan
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