Re: You're In Texas

I'm in Texas. I am reminded of that fact every time I step outside and my face threatens to melt right off. Record highs this summer.

I also am reminded of that fact because Nick Jr. has a tendency to play all day long. I also have a tendency to look behind me at every stoplight and ask, "Are those my friends?"

I am further reminded when I am eating my third bowl of ice cream... for lunch! I often step in mysterious liquids around this house... and I never ask.

I also run into some Astros fans sometimes. When I go to singles wards or branches, and they talk about going to Astros games, it still takes me a little by surprise. I guess they are making history this year...

I also feel like gravity is pulling harder here, especially in basketball. Then again, maybe that's just those extra bowls of ice cream.

Dream Journal

Since my return to my home state, my dreams have oft been filled with anxieties of eminent papers and deadlines for school, and I often wonder to myself within these dreams how I ended up back in my apartment in Provo with that same life after I could swear that I had finished that life long ago... as a man partaking in full reality, I knew those dreams would happen. Retro-visions, I call them. The ones of being in high school are pretty few and far between, but mission ones still happen quite often, and now BYU ones will surely inhabit my subconscious.

Does this mean that when I dream of being a dark wizard or a space pirate, that it is actually a re-glimpse of a previous life? Cool!

But now to last night... what a doozey! I usually don't recall three from one night, but last night...

The first involved me taking some sort of trip somewhere... a long trip. I was driving somewhere late at night and I couldn't recognize what state I was in because the shape of the state on the state highway signs was totally unfamiliar to me. Turns out it was Maryland... but some sort of bizarre Maryland located where Kentucky should be, being just above another state, Maryland Island. I found this out by looking at a bizarro world map, though it never occurred to me that I was in any sort of bizarro world. I began to contemplate either going back to Texas, which was about a six hour drive or going back to Provo, which was like 13. The math didn't really add up, but that didn't deter me from plotting a course for Texas, even though it was late at night. What was six hours more? So I drove South on this snaking highway which had large chunks of it missing, but I managed to manuever it just fine.

If this isn't some sort of symbolic foreshadow of my unclear future, I don't know what is...

The next moment I was in church in Lake Jackson. My mind was kind of fuzzy, so I somehow ended up going with the high priests for Priesthood meeting. I felt intense embarrassment (I never spell that word right) at the realization, so I decided to try and swim to the exit. Yup, swim. Priesthood meeting was being held in a giant room that was nothing but a swimming pool. There was just a bunch of old, shirtless, hairy men there talking the gospel, and me splashing around in the background. I managed to escape without notice, only to be further embarrassed by being discovered in my swim trunks by the primary kids, being led by an acquaintance of mine from BYU who will remain unnamed here.

And then I was riding around with my trainer from the mission, being actually on the mission... except here we were driving around in some deserted country like Arizona or something, and we were driving an astro-van. We were going to stop by some trashy family which my trainer told me were, quote, "Excited to see us, but last time I went there, they tried to poison me." We arrived to see a trashy family of a father and a few full grown sons. The father gave us a giant avocado, split down the middle and covered in some sort of green sauce, which occurred to me was redundant, being on an avocado and all. My trainer shrugged his shoulders and bit into the giant pit in the middle, but I hesitated long enough to see a huge bug pop out of the pit that split open like some alien cocoon. Gross! So I didn't eat it, and I refused the aspirin that one of the boys offered me, which might have saved us both as my trainer started feeling really strange after biting into that avocado. I managed to get us both back to the astro-van before I had to tell the trashy family off for trying to poison us and loot our van. It felt cool standing up for myself right then, but a gun fight ensued in which I'm pretty sure I got shot in the face, but I won. And then I tripped over some wiry cord which caused this helicopter to spin out of control and explode, and I'm pretty sure it was being piloted by Jamie Lee Curtis... How in the heck did (s)he get in my subconscious?

You know what, I guess this is what comes from a night of homemade lasagna. Perhaps a bit of undigested beef can cause the mind to cheat. Yes, there's more of gravy than of grave about you!

More than anything... where is Joseph and his dreamcoat when you need him?

The Other Night, Act IV

The clown meets Mandolin outside her apartment late that night.

Clo: I am here, my lady of the morning.[1]

Mand: Good eventide, shall we go for a walk?

Silence for a long awkward moment…

Clo: For eventide, why not abide?[2]

Mand: Good man, we must have words so let us walk.

Clo: Truly? I fear this walk more than I fear

A sorcerous swine[3], which oft haunts my dreams.

But this walk could take ALL my dreams away,

And leave me without fear or hope to burn

Or animate my soul in some degree,

To bring to mind the fact that I yet live

As living should be done by all beings.[4]

Mand: Are you quite done? The time has come to walk.

Clo: Then let us walk, and speak your peace for peace

Upon us both, but make it swift, indeed,

O make it swift and painful.

Mand: You leap so quickly to your doom, perhaps

This moment is not dark for you, perhaps

What truth I speak will free us both.

Clo: Be that the case, yet still I’m unprepared.

But, yes, let us be walking in the night.

They begin walking for about five minutes before either speaks.

Mand: Let me be frank, o giver of mixed signals. I know not what this game is you play of which we jested upon so long ago, the other night[5], but now I would be quit of it. Answer me thus: what is it that you truly want in this world.

Clo: A question most profound you pose to me,

And one I fear I can’t justly answer

I am a fool, of rioutous living

And wayward ways, having but one purpose:

To be a catalyst for others’ joy.

But as for what I want to have myself,

No clown has ever thus pondered on it.

Mand: Then be no longer a clown, a fool, a jester, or whatever nameless occupation you choose to be entitled with. I know there is more to you, for you are not an ordinary fool.

Clo: Perhaps that is my one desire then,

To be more than the fool of no regard.

But really what I want is ne’er concerned

Compared to what the lady wants, and so,

Fair Mandolin, what do you want?

Mand: I want for these riddles and iambs to end. As charming as it be, there is more in store for you. Can you not straightforwardly tell me your heart? Upon each setting of the scholarly week, you beckon me to enjoy company like I’ve never known before, and with the dawn of the first day[6] I hear not or see not of the clown for another six days. This is madness to a woman. Can you not tell what I want?

Clo: What you want is simple prose to me,

Gawain once asked a quite loathly lady,[7]

And she answered simply: Sovereignty.

To govern all your thoughts and acts without

Interference from any man,

Is not this what you want?

For this you have freedom to act your will

For all the greater part of every week,

And only impose I on rare occasions.

(Aside) Oh no, I fear I sound too much like Snow!

Mand: I will forget that I was likened unto anything loathly. Your intentions are sweet, but too much sweetness is bad for any tooth, as well as for any man or woman. Do not spoil me with your offerings of “sovereignty.”

Clo: Then you would desire more imposition?

Mand: Imposition, no. Perhaps just more time, that very limited currency more valuable to our generation than any other sort of trade. Be it impossible or unnatural to you in any fashion, then let us end this walk and part our ways.

Clo: But to part our ways would be utter misery! Oh, how could you have known my repinings at the very thought! It was enough to fill almost an entire act should all this drama be ever put to form in Shakespearean verse![8]

Mand: Fear not your repinings, o man of wont.

For they are yet the most honest display

By how they are confessed under the moon

When no one else is here to view the game.

Clo: Oh take my repinings then, take whatever confession you must! I will sacrifice myself to be that which you desire!

Mand: If any woman ever desires that of you, make haste and get elsewhere. I will not change who you are, imperfect as you may be. Your change is only brought about yourself, when you sense that balance beginning to falter in any sense.

Clo: Perhaps I was not as solidly founded[9] as I had imagined. Perhaps to complete myself and my balance, there must needs be this hole filled by one who would be ever more vigilant of those wretched hours when I forfeit humanity for madness.

The clown gets on one knee

Clo: Would you be my next and last roommate?

Mandolin rolls her eyes

Mand: O clown, you change too fast for all my tastes.

She grabs his hand and their fingers intertwine

Mand: Why not start here, o man of consequence?[10]

Clo: Yes, let us start.

Curtains fall

---

[1] Perhaps a reference to “La dama del alba” signifying just how nervous the clown is on this occasion (the lady of the morning in the said play is actually death incarnate)

[2] Hymn no. 165

[3] As in, a swine infected or practicing sorcery, a phantasm which indeed did haunt my dreams as a youth

[4] In other words, any animated being should live with dreams and emotions

[5] Hey, that’s the name of the play!

[6] Sunday. Mandolin is frustrated with the lack of contact throughout the week outside of the weekendly dates

[7] The reference here is obvious

[8] The clown has broken from his iambs, relieving himself of the role for just the right moment…

[9] Referring to his belief that he was always balanced because balanced objects tend to not tip over

[10] Indicating the hand hold.

Defective

And the man of little consequence took his talents to Southeast Texas.

Suppose that was the end... What more have I got to write? Ever? Now that I have BYU growing smaller in the rearview mirror of my life, whatever interesting thing could I possible write about? Perhaps about the 18 hour marathon I drove yesterday? Nah, apart from hitting a few birds and a bat and a questionable run-in with the Border Patrol (how was I supposed to know EVERY car had to stop? I thought only delapidated pick-ups were worth their time... surely not a Nissan Altima), it was pretty monotonous. How about my plans for the future? Well, we all know how I feel about plans... eck.

I did spend some time with my sister Becky this past weekend. We watched Kung Fu Panda 2. It was the second time I've seen that movie, and my contacts must have really been bothering me because there's no WAY I am gonna ball like that for a movie that I'm seeing for the second time...

Ultimately, know that this was not a rash decision like I've been known to make this past semester. The stache, the Cowboys and Aliens, the hot dogs wrapped in bacon, the sliding on hardened earth... maybe not my best calls. Yet, the one to leave Utah was done with much deliberation. All that time I feared August, I didn't much entertain the idea of being back to my roots, but here I am going country again. It's real good to see the family, and it's real good to be taking the advice of Rafiki, or Smashmouth, or Marley and Marley (played by Statler and Waldorf)... I will give 5 MILLION house points to whomever can get that connection!

We Three

Get it?

Celebricats

If you ever want to be famous, it's best to have a cat to make you famous first. Some cats are soooo famous that they regularly land thousands of hits on YouTube... a day! So, if you want to be big on YouTube, find a cat that does human-ish things (Nora) or one that has OCD (Maru) or one that'll tolerate being turned into a puppet (Keyboard Cat). If not, e-Harmony videos can land you a gig super easy!

Peer Pressure

"Do it!"
"No way!"
"Do it!"
"It's like ten times as ugly as a normal one..."
"Do it!"
"Never in a million years!!"
"Do it!"
...
"Ok!"

So I went to the library with my mustache... half shaved off. This wasn't even on my bucket list.

Cowboys and Aliens Do Not Get Along

Cowboys and aliens do not get along. They're like Ninjas and Pirates... or Robots and Monkeys... or Fish heads and banana phones...

Then again, who do cowboys get along with? Mexican Ladies? Certainly not even each other, as I witnessed this weekend. Harrison Ford sounded like he was gargling rocks, and Daniel Craig, as always, was a man of very few words (unless you're torturing him with a knotted rope and chair with no bottom).
I speed dated this weekend. Interesting experience, I must say... and certainly not a bad experience. I was a bit apprehensive when the bishop calls me cause I'm old on Tuesday: "We have an activity for those who are 25 years or older..." I was in the middle of eating my hotdog dinner when I got a call from the stake president to be there in just a few or else... I'm using a lot of ellipsis in this post...
So what was the result of this speed dating activity? Well, I'll let you know when I find out myself.
On Saturday, I had a pretty grood diving catch that tore my knee open for a third time in the past six weeks, but we still lost the game. Now all I have left is frisbee... and this mustache...
Also on Saturday, I went rock climbing with some old friends who are leaving soon. As I was climbing, I was like, "Brother, I am committed!" Turns out, I'm not very good at valleting... balleting... whatever that word is where you hold the rope and the other person climbs. I'm an English major.
On Sunday, I wore a turtle neck and a blazer to ward prayer. What a tool.
So, I figured another riptide week is happening right now, filled with 15 pages of who-knows-what as well as a comprehensive Spanish explosion test (I'll be writing "Bastante!" a lot) and a scramble for a new residence. All in all, it's one of those "I can't wait for Friday" weeks cause it'll all be over. Then I can go back to being a space pirate cowboy ninja, which is about as renegade as you get.