Speaking as Future NBA Commissioner

I feel like there has been a lot of stink about tanking lately in the NBA. A particularly lucrative draft pool can do this to a season, and this year has quite the selection. As such, it flares up a host of reactions to the deliberate losing of professional sports players.
Being a Houston fan, I really can't even remember the last time the Rockets were tanking. I guess I didn't pay a whole lot of attention to the team when Steve Franchise was the titular face of the franchise--that awkward post-Olajuwon and pre-Yao period--but Yao took us regularly to the playoffs, and even after his injuries and retirement we still finished like ninth or so... which is a very unrewarding position.
Notice how many times I put "us" and "we" in this post as if I am part of this team.
Anyways, now the Rockets are contending stronger than ever since the glory days of Olajuwon (in my opinion; nothing becomes fact until the post-season), but their success is a little marred by all these "gimme" games, i.e. games against tanking teams. What is special about a win if you're the only team that wants to win in the contest?
The NBA as a whole should take some notice as to how these tanking teams are damaging the product. Imagine how season ticket holders of Lakers and Jazz games feel right now... or Celtics or Bucks or Kings or Sixers etc. etc. etc. As such, sportswriters have voiced their opinions about how to fix this bug, the most prominent one being "the wheel" draft, but I have my own idea:
Why not attack the pride of an organization? Why not hit the individual players' egos? You know they got 'em. How do we do that?
How about after the All-Star break, give the bottom six teams a name change. They have to officially change the team's name until they no longer have one of the six worst records. What would their name changes be? I'll demonstrate with the current bottom six teams:

1. Boo-ston Sell-Outics. (I understand this could be interpreted as a positive thing, so I'm open to suggestions here)
2. Lose Angeles Fakers (I also considered Loss Angeles, but it has no phonetic punch)
3. Utah Funk, or maybe Utah Gordon-Hayward-is-our-best-player? Jazz
4. Orlando Muggles... wait, this would be a better name for Washington, but they're actually in playoff contention. Poorlando Tragic?
5. Smelladelphia #'ers (where the # equals the numbers of wins they have. At the time I wrote this post, they would be the 15ers)
6. Mil-whacky Sucks, or Mil-whakcy Does.

and for an honorable mention, the Suckramento Queens.

What about tanking for other sports, you ask? Well, I only thought of one for the NFL and here it is:

The Houston Mexicans

Oops. That was racist. I'm a go repent now.

Oh... My... BRONY!!

Sometimes it's good to spice up Sundays a bit. People can get lost in the hum-drum of recycled--yet still very important--lessons and talks and primary answers and whatnot. I feel it's ok to introduce a bit of tempered unorthodox so long as it is doctrinally sound--or given with a disclaimer.
Today I gave a talk. Though I didn't mention space pirates or NCIS, I did confess to the whole congregation...

...that I'm a brony.

That may have been as earth shattering as my otaku confession on this blog a while back, but this was even more daring because I did it in front of my most significant social group. You may be wondering how I tied it in to any sort of spiritual topic, and all I can say is... too bad. You had to have been there.

Because what is important now is that fact that I don't know if I've ever really talked about being a brony on this blog. I have hinted at it, and most of you who do read this already know that I am... and what a brony is for that matter. For those of you who this is news to, check this out:

And for the record, I am a moderate. Maybe one day I'll be a creative...

But why did I become a brony? Simple answer is that it went in stages for me. I was introduced to the show through my nephews and nieces, particularly the ones in North Carolina, and I immediately enjoyed the cleverness of the show and often opted for it over Team UmiZumi or Dora the Explora when appeasing the children. The few episodes that showed me that there was more to the show than straight cheese and lessons on friendship (cause I already know all those anyways) were probably "Putting Your Hoof Down," "Lesson Zero," and "MMMystery on the Friendship Express." The first one mentioned had numerous parodies on pro-wrestling, the second had a Lord of the Rings reference, and the third had a James Bond reference. Clearly, the writers of this show had more than just the typical pre-adolescent girls in mind when they wrote it. That's when I entered the second and scariest stage: when I started watching the episodes EVEN WHEN LITTLE KIDS WERE NOT IN THE ROOM! At this stage I also grew in curiosity about the show in general, and I started looking up writers and voice actors and such. Not only did I see a lot of familiar names, I also first discovered the term "brony" and realized that I wasn't the only dude who appreciated the more grown-up aspects of the show (and not gross grown-up, more like intelligent grown-up). I would still spend most of this stage appreciating the show with my nephews and nieces and sharing some little easter eggs with them.

The third stage happened just recently, and it's mainly because I cancelled my DirecTV service (they tried to raise my monthly rates by 30 bucks... psssshhhh!! I'll miss the basketball, but everything else I can get online). Having little to do in my spare hours here, I perused YouTube a lot and found just OOODLES of pony videos. Now, some of them had bad language and even others had gore, but I was just amazed at how much Hasbro and the Hub just let be. They could really be handing out C&D's left and right with all this stuff, but I think the fact that they let these creatives just run rampant really contributes to the whole brony phenomenon. It's almost like this obscure cartoon on an even more obscure network built for little girl toys has become an interactive creator-to-viewer experiment. And it has turned out results that none of the writers or producers ever imagined. 

I think it also benefited from a not-so-golden age of Western television, the not-so-golden applying especially to Western animation. When everything is episodic inane children stuff like Spongebob or adult humor shallowness like Family Guy (both types of shows certainly fill their niche, don't get me wrong), people don't get their escapes-from-reality as much--the type of escape that is especially provided by linear, progressive shows. You know, when something cool happens at the end of an episode and you get to look forward to the next episode to see what happens as a result of said coolness. We get this from shows like Avatar (the Last Airbender cartoon type... it annoys me that I have to specify this now--thanks James Cameron and M. Night Shizalloverit) and Korra and Young Justice, but those shows are few... and largely over with. I guess you could consider Pokemon and Bukugan and such things linear, but how much depth can you get from a show about a card game or spinning tops? Anyways, I don't speak for the rest of the brony community--they all have their individual stories as to how they got sucked into a show about little girl horses--but this was one contributing factor as to my turning. Who knows if I would have even noticed the ponies if Greg Weiss was still writing Gargoyles and Kevin Conroy was still voicing Batman? 

Summing it up, 1: It's a surprisingly clever show. 2: I can enjoy it with the kids. Unlike Naruto. WAFFLE DAWG!!! 3: Oodles of bonus content. 4: Everything else mostly sucks.

There you go. I'm a brony. I also play sports. What now!?

You can go ahead and think I'm wierd. That's cool and you're probably right. I'm still gonna love and tolerate the @#$% out of you! But only if you're lovable and tolerable. If not then:

Whatevs.

Reason for graduating from bachelorhood NUMBER ONE: This... Just... Happened.

Some Thoughts on Sports

Imagine my delight when I discovered I could watch the Super Bowl without having DirecTV (via streaming on Foxsports). I wouldn't have to spend my whole day finding interesting youTube videos to watch!
Imagine my dismay when it wasn't that fun of a game to watch. I mean, after a while you just started feeling bad for Peyton Manning. Kind of like how I felt about the Texans after watching many of their second halves.
So, the fallout after the game was actually more interesting. The dominant Seahawks took a back seat again as everyone and their dog talked about how Peyton was feeling now. And then that kind of took a back seat as another controversy was sparked over PC America--concerning this commercial:

I watched it and I was like, "How are people getting offended by this?" Maybe I didn't see it because I'm mormon and I'm used to people singing "I Am a Child of God," in like a million different languages.
What I found to be the much more offensive commercial was this one:

So, apparently all German engineers are middle aged white males from... get this... Germany! Uhhhh.... stereotype much? Where's the diversity VW?*

In other leagues, Joakim Noah better watch himself: (warning, bad language is inferred here and probably readable on lips)

I mean, Ron Worldpeace is irrelevant and Rasheed Wallace is retired. Are the refs looking for a new target?
One more thing:
Why aren't the Rockets trying for Pau Gasol? Was he a bad fit with Dwight last year? Also, some people may say he's washed up and everything, but I think he's just been treated badly by a Lakers franchise that is willing to throw anybody under the bus for Kobe the Virus Bryant. He's still got a great offensive skill set, something to break the bad ice when Dwight is not making his free throws and everybody else are not making their threes. Maybe's he's too old for Morey to even look at him... I dunno. Of course, if Terrence Jones continues to be a break out bargain deal (like CP), why even bother? Four spot may not even need all that much of an upgrade.
Ok, my next potato is done in the oven. Time to carboload in preps for my own basketball tonight!! Is it just me, or does gravity pull harder in the south?
*Not a serious rant. More like a satire on the hyper-sensitivity of America.

Dream Journal

Ok, I'm out of boxes of macaroni so I need to do some shopping, but before I forget:
Last night, I was hanging out with Morgan Freeman and I was Andy Duphrain, only Shawshank looked more like high school with a cafeteria and hallways and such. We still all wore the same denim prison outfits though. Some of the guys close to Morgan Freeman knew that he was about to bust out of prison. For some reason, we had seen it on a movie before, but nobody said anything to him even though I wanted to go up to him and be like, "Hey Morgan, hatch any good plans lately?" Instead I just said, "Hey Morgan, you're looking strange today..." Wink wink. What a terrible friend! And then, immediately after saying that, I suddenly remembered that I was the one who was supposed to bust out of prison that night, so I had better get to it!
Then we were all in the cafeteria and my friend Richie from the mission/EFY was there and his family was visiting him and I was thinking, "Oh man, it's got to be so embarrassing to be in prison when your family still cares about you!" And then I hoped my family never showed up. In fact, I was hoping they never found out that I was ever wearing denim prison outfits. Then the movie started on the big screen which actually was the reason that everybody was gathered in the cafeteria for in the first place. And then this hefty lady in a satin red dress started dancing and singing (not in the movie, in real life... sorta) and I thought "Man, this is supposed to be entertainment? PSssssshhhh... Prison sucks. Where's Morgan? Did he bust out yet?"

My alarm then went off and I got out of bed to face the feels-like-negative-nine weather outside and I started wishing I was in a warm prison somewhere hanging out with Morgan Freeman. Have you guys seen that Lego's Movie trailer yet? It actually looks really funny.

Reason to stay a bachelor for life number 88: You can eat chili mac for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and not have to worry about holding in the explosive gas around ladies or children.

Another Game Show Thing!

Time for me to flaunt my talents as an obscure movie quote rememberer... Holiday Style!
NAME THAT CHRISTMAS MOVIE!

1. "Then I'm going to spend four hours skiing alone. Completely and utterly alone."
2. "I don't pay extra for the warmth you know." "You should, it's the only warmth he ever had."
3. "This is a very interesting situation!"
4. "Do you like kids?" "On a case-by-case basis."
5. "It's turbo time!"
6. "That was the speech?" "It was dumb!" "It was obvious!" "It was pointless!" "It was short..." "I LOVED IT!"
7. "How are you doing?" "Mutual I'm sure."
8. "Because Santa is watching Saturated Fats!"
9. "Forget it. We'll get a funnel cake. It will be the highlight of my week!"
10. "Is it taaaastey? Is it scruuuuuuumptious?"
11. "Look what you did you little jerk."
12. "Hoity toity Mr. god-like smarty pants!"
13. "Wanna pick some snowberries?" "Not now Arctic Puffin!"
14. "You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant!"
15. "It's the first season of Lost on DVD." "That's the meaning of Christmas?" "It's a metaphor. It represents lack of payoff."
16. "Everyone stay perfectly sincere. Humbugs are attracted to sarcasm."
17. "There's children throwing snowballs instead of throwing heads! They're busy building toys and absolutely no one's dead!"
18. "Ceaser Romero is not Spanish." "I didn't say Ceaser Romero was Spanish." "Well what did you say?" "I said Ceaser Romero was tall."
19. "Every family has a kid who doesn't eat. My kid brother hadn't eaten voluntarily in over three years."
20. "Later Dudenator!"

Why I Can't Write Love Stories

"Hey Todd! Why don't you write a love story, since you're so knowledgeable on the subject?"
Said no one ever.
Well guess what, randumb imaginary fan... I can't because my love is like the love of a Jedi: it's so deep and profound that I'll probably wander the universe completely alone for the rest of my life. So, akin to the reason I can't ever invent children's games, I simply can't in consideration of other peoples' souls. I mean, if I wrote a sappy love story, the critics would say things like:

"Oh man, I feel like I just got punched right in the feels! Sixty-eight times!"

"Am I done reading yet? I can't see through all the tears."

"After reading that story, my love life feels like a dried up dishrag with boogers on it."

"I think I forgot the meaning of life. Where's my gun?"

"If Stephanie Meyer and Nicholas Sparks had a baby and made Jack Weyland the godfather, this story would still be ten times sadder than that baby."

"I want to hug all the people in the world, which is weird because I'm Satan."

And then, everyone would have to reinvent their acronyms and replace all their "l"s with "c"s. Like COL (crying out loud), ROFC (rolling on the floor crying), YOCO (you only cry once), cmao (crying my... yeah you get the point). 

And then all the macho dudes on the earth would have to accept their more sensitive side on such a grand and universal scale that bronies would become the new paradigm of manliness.
So that's why I will never write a story about love or whatnot. Peeps need their balance in life!

Reason to stay a bachelor for life number 11: The man of little consequence remains so, much to the delight of his audience!

Things That Really Irk Me!

It's December, so it's time to write about something that really irks me. "Since when do you write about things that irk you in December?" you ask? Shut up.

Today I want to talk about the newest Kia Soul commercial. It REALLY irks me!
Those friggin hamsters have always been creepy and annoying to me. First of all, they're giant rodents! Not all that different from rats, really. Secondly, I hate to break it to them, but you can't solve the worlds problems by driving around and dressing all gangsta and having rave parties. You'd probably make the world worse actually.
The most recent depiction of these life-size dancing balls of fuzzy disease REALLY gets me! Yes, it irks me so much that I want to not-so-randumbly vandalize every Kia Soul I ever see and NEVER buy one in my whole life! Way to go ad wizards, this one really backfired. I mean, they slimmed down the hamsters which made them even CREEPIER with their disproportionate heads and bodies and then gave them a giant splash of tool, haircuts and everything. I mean, it's like taking something creepier than the Furby and Muppet ghost of Christmas past combined and dragging it through a sea of d**che (pardon my french) and poisoning ESPN with it! Curse you Kia Soul for ruining my Christmas Spirit!

In essence:

Plus

Equals

Plus

Puts you in the neighborhood of:

Which is in the Top Ten Worst Things of 2013 According to Todd Martin Who Happens to Be a Guy Who Knows About Things.

Reason to remain a bachelor for life number 25: One of the worst things you experienced this year was a really annoying commercial.

...Which is also consequently reason number 25 to graduate from bachelorhood. Sigh...