How to Survive in a B-Rated Horror Film

One Friday night as all my friends were out partying and I was at home enjoying my Knorr pasta dinner special, I realized what a terrible predicament I was in when Man v. Food was not on, and AMC was showing something like Titanic. What on earth was I going to watch? Since summertime Sports Center is usually just a rerun of difficult but unspectacular defensive baseball plays, focusing mainly on teams I resent (Spankees and Red Jocks), I was forced with only one alternative...
My own personal Mystery Science Theater 3000!! Lately, Syfy has provided plenty of opportunities.
So here's what I got from my very educational weekend:
If you are ever on an island with a giant alligator or a genetically enhanced shark DO NOT:
1. Trip.
2. Look momentarily confused amidst a mob of running and screaming people.
3. Go out hunting or touristing alone.
4. Go out hunting or touristing with a group of less than four people.
5. Do alcohol or drugs of any type.
6. Be black (Samuel Jackson=death)
7. Be a scantily clad female (bikinis=death).
8. Come to an island as hired muscle with an arsenal of you'll-soon-find-out-worthless weapons and an overly-confident attitude.
9. Try to exploit any freak activity going on for money or fame.
10. Disbelieve any reports of huge monsters eating people.
11. (If you are a guy) Hit on chicks at the beginning of the movie. Don't worry, if you make it to the end, it'll happen quite naturally.

Above all, don't ever let Kevin Bacon out of your sight!

All of these spell oversized and overintelligent animal fodder, and you know they won't let you go out clean. Who are "they" anyway? I feel like I could write a B-rated horror movie about these people who write B-rated horror movies.

Consider yourself warned...